Revision 5
ADMISSION REPORT SUBMITTED BY CONSTABLE NELSON
The waif was wandering near a costermonger's eel cart. She is a bundle of rags and weeping sores. There was no sense to her words. She was admitted to the facility under the lunacy act of 1845.
Through the warren
Small cuts on the arm
A human sundial
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS AND PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient appears to be a 13-year-old female who was found incoherent and disheveled. She exhibits periods of long silence broken by strident outbursts.
words scurry and slink
rearrange before I can speak
dyslexic mice bite
CHIEF SYMPTOMS
The patient suffers from bouts of Ncytophobia, along with Tetraphobia, which is uncommon in one her age. Speculation: The “monsters” may represent abuse during her time on the streets.
eyes draw the Bandersnatch
claws that scrape
claws that catch
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
The patient exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder. She regards a mirror as one would a window. Her appearance suffers for this anxiety.
this glass isn't cold
as you suspect the fire leaks
like a warm breath
Patient cannot decide what to eat in the cafeteria; she claims the “sky would break if she chooses wrongly.”
bones remember clouds
ceiling too low for breakfast
The empty bowl
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS AND EVALUATION OF EARLY TREATMENT
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. It would be wise to reject the primitive trepanning treatment, as medication appears to be lessening the patient’s symptoms. More evaluation is necessary.
The grin floats
laughter over my shoulder
last beacon to fade
~~~
Revision 4: Optional
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS:
The waif was wandering
near a costermonger's eel cart,
a bundle of rags and weeping
sores, brought to the facility under
the lunacy act of 1845.
PRESENTING PROBLEM:
She speaks of rabbits, and marks the passage
of time with small cuts upon her arm--
claims to be a human sundial.
When I took the knife, she settled
into the labored breathing of an Ottoman
opiate-eater.
CHIEF COMPLAINT Patient's own outburst:
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION:
She cannot decide what to eat
in the cafeteria, claims the sky will break
if she chooses wrongly, and anyway
the ceiling is "too low for breakfast."
She considers mirrors
as I would a window. Her appearance
suffers for this anxiety.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS:
I have noted the lumps
over her right ear.
Phrenology would indicate
that I was correct
to take the knife.
~~~
I'll probably try some other options later. Thanks all for sticking with me.
Revision 3: Optional
--by order of the Lunacy Act, 1845
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
~~~
Edit notes: Very close to the original. The reason I originally went down this psychiatric notes thing was because the setting wasn't coming through, and to try something different (still a valid reason). That said, I think I took it too far and should take a tip from Ted Kooser and rethink the title.
Revision 2
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and disheveled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.
PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts.
CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.
~~~
Revision 1
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
~~~
Original
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.
But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
ADMISSION REPORT SUBMITTED BY CONSTABLE NELSON
The waif was wandering near a costermonger's eel cart. She is a bundle of rags and weeping sores. There was no sense to her words. She was admitted to the facility under the lunacy act of 1845.
Through the warren
Small cuts on the arm
A human sundial
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS AND PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient appears to be a 13-year-old female who was found incoherent and disheveled. She exhibits periods of long silence broken by strident outbursts.
words scurry and slink
rearrange before I can speak
dyslexic mice bite
CHIEF SYMPTOMS
The patient suffers from bouts of Ncytophobia, along with Tetraphobia, which is uncommon in one her age. Speculation: The “monsters” may represent abuse during her time on the streets.
eyes draw the Bandersnatch
claws that scrape
claws that catch
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
The patient exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder. She regards a mirror as one would a window. Her appearance suffers for this anxiety.
this glass isn't cold
as you suspect the fire leaks
like a warm breath
Patient cannot decide what to eat in the cafeteria; she claims the “sky would break if she chooses wrongly.”
bones remember clouds
ceiling too low for breakfast
The empty bowl
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS AND EVALUATION OF EARLY TREATMENT
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. It would be wise to reject the primitive trepanning treatment, as medication appears to be lessening the patient’s symptoms. More evaluation is necessary.
The grin floats
laughter over my shoulder
last beacon to fade
~~~
Revision 4: Optional
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS:
The waif was wandering
near a costermonger's eel cart,
a bundle of rags and weeping
sores, brought to the facility under
the lunacy act of 1845.
PRESENTING PROBLEM:
She speaks of rabbits, and marks the passage
of time with small cuts upon her arm--
claims to be a human sundial.
When I took the knife, she settled
into the labored breathing of an Ottoman
opiate-eater.
CHIEF COMPLAINT Patient's own outburst:
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION:
She cannot decide what to eat
in the cafeteria, claims the sky will break
if she chooses wrongly, and anyway
the ceiling is "too low for breakfast."
She considers mirrors
as I would a window. Her appearance
suffers for this anxiety.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS:
I have noted the lumps
over her right ear.
Phrenology would indicate
that I was correct
to take the knife.
~~~
I'll probably try some other options later. Thanks all for sticking with me.
Revision 3: Optional
--by order of the Lunacy Act, 1845
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
~~~
Edit notes: Very close to the original. The reason I originally went down this psychiatric notes thing was because the setting wasn't coming through, and to try something different (still a valid reason). That said, I think I took it too far and should take a tip from Ted Kooser and rethink the title.
Revision 2
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and disheveled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.
PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts.
CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence.
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.
~~~
Revision 1
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.
Subject prone to poor auditory discrimination.
But somebody killed something,or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
Subject exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder.
You have removed my vanity—the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
Subject expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
Subject shows apprehension in front of mirror.
~~~
Original
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.
But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
)
. It was a hell of an eye-opener.
I don't think the current format is ideal but because I'm technically incompetent, I don't know how to make it more obviously notes -- italics might help though, and if they could be a bit closer to the main text. 
