(02-10-2010, 02:31 PM)Larry Wrote: Hello to all, and fire away!
Thank you for reading my first poem here!
I saw her nest by frozen bay
Upon an oak which lay below
One canopy of winter gray
And countless coins of opal snow.
The coiled twigs were tightly twined
And crowned the branch in ginger rings
One powdered nest against the sky-
A remnant of departed spring.
Though winter sun had sent away
The bird that sewed her April nest
December, in it’s dead array-
Amplified what life was left.
we don't have many poets here but it will grow,
hopefully with people just like you.
to the poem:
first off l love poems about nature.
not much wrong with the form
the meter works well though L1 of the 2nd stanza
has 7 syllables as does the last line. all the other lines have 8 syllables.
each stanza has a different rime scheme, some would grumble. for me it works. it could be done with a uniform scheme but i don't think it needs it.
the content:
i see you changed laid to lay...well done.
would L3 read better as;
a canopy of winter gray
you have one line with
I in it;
would;
she nested by the frozen lake work any better.
what i liked:
not sure why because opal doesn't make me think of snow but i love
And countless coins of opal snow. maybe the translucency is what does it.
And crowned the branch in ginger rings is another image i loved.
and also
One powdered nest against the sky-
i often ask people to be original. for me, those three lines convey originality.
i like aspect of winter the poem portrays.
it's crisp in its presentation, it isn't namby pamby.
it has some good images, and use of poetic devices such as metaphor, imagery, to name but two, there are more.
well worthy of being read. i really enjoyed it. that you're only 17 and writing without angst makes my heart bleed with joy
thanks for sharing it.
feel free to post what poetry you wish larry. we don't have too many members as you can see so we need a few poems to reply to lol.
