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Magnetic
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07-04-2011, 05:07 PM
Chanteuse,
teasing my skin lounging with breasts pressed into mine... magnetic mouths, wanting. *Feedback appreciated
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
07-04-2011, 06:33 PM
(07-04-2011, 05:07 PM)Aish Wrote: Chanteuse,L5, 6, feel cliché i had to look up chanteuse and found it was a singer of sorts. on that premise i'm taking chanteuse as a woman's name. for me the poem works better with a couple of lines removed. the two i think cliche and 'an early sunday morning kiss'. which would leave it as; Chanteuse, teasing my skin lounging with breasts pressed into mine... magnetic mouths, wanting. which i found to be erotic yet not over the top. jmo thanks for the read.
07-04-2011, 06:52 PM
I meant chanteuse as a literal singer (she was) and figuratively (a sirens song).
*closes eyes* Snip!Snip!Snip! I pared it down, painful that.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
07-04-2011, 06:55 PM
Less is more, to cliche myself to hell
 I know this is a small and silly thing, but I'd love to see this centre formatted, because now your middle is "breasts pressed" and it's such a lovely sound combination. You've also got a mirror effect happening with the syllables. You have magic scissors...
It could be worse
07-04-2011, 07:02 PM
Oooooh, I see the allure!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
07-04-2011, 07:05 PM
It is.
You are both much appreciated.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
it reads better to me and i like the center align as well.
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