Stitches

[Aish]

I have learned to hear beyond
abrasive tongues
and vulgarity,
emerging from agonized mumbles.

The soul readjusts,
pushes boundaries,
becomes calm.

Sometimes the sun,
reckless,
chews before digestion.

Fallen
hands never idle,
overworked and gnawed
asunder:

My demon lover,
torn apart
and reassembled.
Satin stitches
adorn a growling brow.

[Leanne]

Very nice images here, Aish, it's quite surreal and the final juxtaposition between the traditional usage of soft, shiny satin against the "growling brow" is excellent.

That one inversion of syntax in "asunder made" (S4) stands out awkwardly to me -- obviously you want to avoid the cliched "torn asunder" etc, but it is quite odd. Odd is not necessarily bad, of course -- it may be that it just needs to stand out, as it forces a pause in the reading.

One small typo in S2, "boundaries".

Thanks very much for the read, it's good to see you posting

[Aish]

Very nice images here, Aish, it's quite surreal and the final juxtaposition between the traditional usage of soft, shiny satin against the "growling brow" is excellent.

That one inversion of syntax in "asunder made" (S4) stands out awkwardly to me -- obviously you want to avoid the cliched "torn asunder" etc, but it is quite odd. Odd is not necessarily bad, of course -- it may be that it just needs to stand out, as it forces a pause in the reading.

One small typo in S2, "boundaries".

Thanks very much for the read, it's good to see you posting

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, Leanne.
I was indeed attempting to avoid cliche, I will ponder on how to fix that line.
I didn't notice the typo, shall fix that as well!

[Leanne]

I wonder how it would sound to you if you left that line alone, forcing that stop -- maybe with a colon to end the line -- but then took out the next stanza entirely and went straight to "my demon lover"?

Just tossing ideas at you

[Aish]

All ideas are welcome!!

---

I have put your suggestion to use. Any thoughts?

[Leanne]

I am biased, but I like it I would perhaps put "made" back in as it was, but it does work ending at asunder... actually, it might work better with the metaphor, since you're tearing the poem at that point...

Anyone who says "all ideas are welcome" is unbelievably welcome here.

[billy]

I have learned to hear farther
than abrasive tongues
and vulgarity,
from out deep, agonized mumbles. i stumbled a little with 'from outdeep',

As a soul readjusts,
pushes boundries,
becomes calm.

Sometimes the sun,
reckless,
chews before digestion.

Fallen
hands never idle,
overworked and asunder
made. is this line needed?

The beauty beneath 'beauty' feels too vague could an image be used instead?
proliferates
and shines.

My demon lover,
torn apart this line make me think of the 'asunder'
and reassembled.
Satin stitches
adorn a growling brow.

high aish, good to see you broke ground with us.

i like the last verse most of all. mainly because it has a couple of good images. apart from the one place i mentioned, it flowed well. it lacks cliché which is good. the last two lines are a perfect finale to the rebuild of the 3 previous lines.
i like the use of fallen idle which make me think of fallen idol which tie in with the last verse.
i think it show some creativity in the writing of it. hope tp see some more of you stuff. (jmo)

thanks for the read

[billy]

i see you both discussing the 'made' line hehe.

[Leanne]

Too slow, billy-o :p

[Aish]

Thank you both! I am happy to be here.

[billy]

[Aish]

No whiny-ass titty babies here!

[billy]

we have a poetry discussion forum you can join in as well if want.
it's pretty civil in the main.

[Aish]

I shall try

[Leanne]

No whiny-ass titty babies here!

Isn't it a relief?

We'll disagree plenty and sometimes throw things -- not tantrums, they don't cause enough actual damage -- but then we have cake.

Although I'm still waiting on the cake. Billy's a very slack baker.

[billy]

you can have a link/banner to your sites home page in your signature if you've a mind too as well.
sorry for cluttering up your poem.

[Aish]

A very welcome relief!
Disagreements and dodging dishes I can deal with. It's attention whores and quasi-half baked tripe that makes me puke.

Literary cake...is it magic cake?

[Leanne]

Everything here is magic. Or rotten, I forget which.

[billy]

rotten magic.

[addy]

Welcome Aish ... great to see another poet here

This is some good stuff. I think you've got a deft instinct as a writer... it has beauty and originality. Nicely done.

I have learned to hear farther
than abrasive tongues love the way you phrased this
and vulgarity,
from out deep, agonized mumbles.

As a soul readjusts,
pushes boundaries,
becomes calm. I think this part needs a good image.

Sometimes the sun,
reckless,
chews before digestion. My favorite part

Fallen
hands never idle,
overworked and asunder:

My demon lover, unfortunately, pop culture has made this line a little cliche, so it might be all right to rephrase it
torn apart
and reassembled.
Satin stitches
adorn a growling brow. I like the dissonance/ tension you put in these last lines.