Aching Inside Lightbulbs

[jadielue]

"I don't suspect you care much about me, I don't even trust that you'll open the door for me on our first date.
Right now you could be stirring your coffee, psyching yourself out of work, if you have a job. I can't say much
more about my self, I sit at a typewriter and tickticktick my eyes out whilst filtering my dreams through a bow.
I don't suspect you care much about anything. Nor do I." ~ Sarah Palsy, The Dream Quake

"Strike me, please. I'll do anyone you want me to, like the books the vets read when clipping another bitch.
I don't want your pity, your love, or your wallet. I want some substance, coke, smack, acid, 'shrooms.
Anything to enhance the pain. Slap me, scalp me, make me cry blackened white-trash tears as I avoid
the clinic and ride the bus to the wig shop. How terrible I am for hoping for such butterflies of middle-age." Anne Gaile, Tedious

"A man named Teddy is easily trusted right? Even as he scoops your meth-head frame off his door-step
and straps you to his dining room. That shouldn't bother you, right? What about when he takes a wooden-
spoon to your soft-pallete and shines it through your nasal cavity? Do you want Layman's terms? He fucked me,
forcefully, without consent. Did I scream? As much as the blood pooling in my throat would let me. Did I give up?
Twelve years ago, when the needle was thick with so many others and I couldn't see the wall I was licking speed
off of. Need not want not, child." ~ Kimberly Fault, The Letting

"I knew you, I was practically your surgeon all those nights. Your heart
beating against my palm. I wonder if it accused me, something I may have
done to make the blood inside stutter so. Awkward glances, as it ended,
when it should have begun in such a manner. I smell daisies - black." ~
Sarah Kiln. To Ache Inside a Lightbulb

"What is a love no greater than ten but idolized by one? Two of us, but we don't complete each other.
We're about as useless as money, but worse, we have heated blood and chilled hearts." ~ Sarah Kiln, The Roving

[addy]

Some heavy stuff here, and truly beautiful lines amongst the painful ugliness you portray. The narrative doesn't cut like a razor so much as like a rusty blade, the kind that scars really badly. Outside my realm of experience, but very powerful nonetheless. On the content I am smitten and can find no fault.

It's a bit too prose, but as an experimental style that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you plan to maintain this format rather than breaking it down to clearly lined stanzas, then maybe you can make up for it in the flow... read it out loud, and hear how well it works as recited poetry. Pare down where the flow weighs too much, or doesn't work. But really, this is good work.

"I don't suspect you care much about me, I don't even trust that you'll open the door for me on our first date. Right now you could be stirring your coffee, psyching yourself out of work, if you have a job. I can't say much more about my self, I sit at a typewriter and tickticktick my eyes out whilst filtering my dreams through a bow. I don't suspect you care much about anything. Nor do I." ~ Sarah Palsy, The Dream Quake This part was effectively affecting... the stiff-lipped tone has a nice sad resonance to it

"Strike me, please. I'll do anyone you want me to, like the books the vets read when clipping another bitch. I don't want your pity, your love, or your wallet. Nice one I want some substance, coke, smack, acid, 'shrooms. Anything to enhance the pain. Slap me, scalp me, make me cry blackened white-trash tears as I avoid the clinic and ride the bus to the wig shop. How terrible I am for hoping for such butterflies of middle-age." Anne Gaile, Tedious

"A man named Teddy is easily trusted right? Even as he scoops your meth-head frame off his door-step and straps you to his dining room. That shouldn't bother you, right? What about when he takes a wooden spoon to your soft-pallete and shines it through your nasal cavity? Do you want Layman's terms? He fucked me, forcefully, without consent. Did I scream? As much as the blood pooling in my throat would let me. Did I give up? Twelve years ago, when the needle was thick with so many others and I couldn't see the wall I was licking speed off of. Need not want not, child." ~ Kimberly Fault, The Letting i could barely read this. Not in a bad way

"I knew you, I was practically your surgeon all those nights. Your heart
beating against my palm. I wonder if it accused me, something I may have
done to make the blood inside stutter so. Awkward glances, as it ended,
when it should have began (begun) in such a manner. I smell daisies - black." ~
Sarah Kiln. To Ache Inside a Lightbulb This part is my favorite, I think... there's something ephemerally cinematic about it

"What is a love no greater than ten but idolized by one? Two of us, but we don't complete each other. We're about as useless as money, but
worse, we have heated blood and chilled hearts." ~ Sarah Kiln, The Roving

[jadielue]

Thanks, Addy. Your suggestions helped a ton.