(content) Love Story: A Poem in Dramatic Form
#1
- I love you.

- I need you.

- There are times when I lay on my bed and pretend my left leg is yours as I stroke my right with it.

- There are times when I eat too much and I tell myself the resultant heart pangs are for you.

- When I take off my hat on a hot summer's day and my forehead is soaked in sweat I speak softly and sharply as though we've just made love.

- The sun is sinking behind the shed. Not the horizon. The shed. It will be stored where we once grew tomatoes and I told you I loved you and the light and the heat will wait there instantly killing any insect or animal unfortunate enough to pass by.

- I am sixteen years old and I carry a pen knife around with me. So are you. So do you. We are those children who are laughed at and scorned by anyone with sense who despises our self-pity. I finger you to the music of some heroin addicted American who ended up shooting himself. You suck my cock while pretending to pretend I'm your father.

- I am seventy-five years old and my wife has been dead for a year. You are seventy-two and have never been married. Though you once had a string of lovers as you worked your way through London society. We meet in one of those depressing halls where old people are herded to eat undercooked duck while social workers recite pleasantries. We make love on your flower print couch and I come.

- We are both middle aged and living with ten children on a pebble dashed estate. Two of them are yours. Three of them are mine. Three of them belong to your sister who's now in prison. Two are the children of one of mine and one of yours. We smoke weed as the audience applaud entertainers we aren't paying attention to on a TV thick with filth and dust.

- The sun is rising from the soil. Burning the tomatoes and the print your shoe made as I pinned you and kissed you and told you I love you against the sodden wall. The sun is rising and now I will benefit from the light and the heat.

- I love you.

- I need you.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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#2
Can I just say I love this first? I will flail in a more in-depth critique later Big Grin
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#3
This poem is amazingly, a joy to read. I pretty much lost myself as i read this, for me it was that richly textured and affecting. Brilliant stuff.

(06-23-2011, 10:14 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  - I love you.

- I need you.

- There are times when I lay on my bed and pretend my left leg is yours as I stroke my right with it.

- There are times when I eat too much and I tell myself the resultant "resultant" seems a bit technical but that's just imo heart pangs are for you.

- When I take off my hat on a hot summer's day and my forehead is soaked in sweat I speak softly and sharply as though we've just made love. These last three scenes are the perfect mix of hilarious and bittersweet... there's a naivete there that makes it work so well

- The sun is sinking behind the shed. Not the horizon. The shed. It will be stored where we once grew tomatoes and I told you I loved you and the light and the heat will wait there instantly killing any insect or animal unfortunate enough to pass by. i love this, but maybe it could be more emotionally descriptive? Like maybe "burn" or "vaporize" rather than "kill"

- I am sixteen years old and I carry a pen knife around with me. So are you. So do you. nice one We are those children who are laughed at and scorned by anyone with sense who despises our self-pity. I finger you to the music of some heroin addicted American who ended up shooting himself. You suck my cock while pretending to pretend I'm your father. This screams "teen years" so well Smile

- I am seventy-five years old and my wife has been dead for a year. You are seventy-two and have never been married. Though you once had a string of lovers as you worked your way through London society. We meet in one of those depressing halls where old people are herded to eat undercooked duck while social workers recite pleasantries. We make love on your flower print couch and I come. I really like how you capped it off with "... and i come" like it's worthy of remark: it captures the feel of this part so well, more mundane than desperate, longing grown dulled.

- We are both middle aged and living with ten children on a pebble dashed estate. Two of them are yours. Three of them are mine. Three of them belong to your sister who's now in prison. Two are the children of one of mine and one of yours. We smoke weed as the audience applaud entertainers we aren't paying attention to on a TV thick with filth and dust.

- The sun is rising from the soil. Burning the tomatoes and the print your shoe made as I pinned you and kissed you and told you I love you against the sodden wall. The sun is rising and now I will benefit from the light and the heat. Love the resurrection image you capped this off with... so vivid I can almost taste it

- I love you.

- I need you.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#4
Thank you very much for your feedback and kind words AddySmile
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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