Carnivale

[jadielue]

The beautiful people's corpses being puppeted, a reenactment for the rich powdered players whom's price is of ribs and rent.
East LA's garbage, slops raining down on me, animals, penny-takers. A side-show cage amongst the many others. The announcer
blares on the megaphone:

"Ladies and GentleMEN! Please, may I have your attention? Today we have a special treat, a marvelous true sight to be seen by
YOUR eyes only."

He grins at the rich, fragily incestuous crowd and laughs. Not even the pasty white could cover the alcoholic blush that lurched
across his complexion.

"A sight to behold! Truly! Don't be frightened, it's really a pleasure." He winks across the eager, gathering mass at a robust woman,
a cherry red corset set to the bursting point about her belly. The sun shone through the holes in her parasol, leaving dust to envy.

"An event to remember! Only a quid a peek! A quid is all you, yes you, need to see the amazement and awe of......." all at once, with
the announcer they inhaled and held it, as though their petticoats would fall to shreds if not inflated, "HUMANS!"

The women screamed, two fainted dead away. The men laughed heartily at the gall this man had. HUMANS? Ha.

"Oh, yes yes yes, don't doubt it, dearies!" He waddled over to the candy-stripe curtains and stuck his head in. A faint argument ensued
behind the stripes and he turned back giddily to the eavesdropping people.

"Once in a lifetime! Pay up now and regret it lat-er, you only live twice!" He bounced about the stage and warbled on to any patron that
would listen. Little Bit, a young scruffy boy weaved through the crowd accepting quids left and right in a bowler hat. He seemed a bit tipsy
as he hiccuped "Thanks, love." to an older gentleman by the name of Danson.

With a loud snap the spotlight went on like a target on the megaphoned man in center-stage. "Prepare." He sinisterly whispered. He tipped
his top-hat and bowed down, then just disappeared.

The crowd huddled in fear and the women shook to fight the chill that suddenly began. The curtain rings whistled across their rod without help,
it seemed, and before them were an unmistakable phenomenon. A man and a woman.

The couple, together, rooted in place. Her coiled and curled bleached-blonde hair, lost in places, spaces underground. His suit, dirt patched, holes
and lead ladened - glory laid down.

Her arms, upraised, fingers strumming along loose tendons, her corset in ribbons, uncovered bones, lust, and bones.

Together, in tune, together, showing peers what love was for an instinctive primitive species such as man - a suicide, an assassination, a pleading,
a giving, a taking asunder, a click, a loose tendril, a mishap, a recurring death, an affair.

Fluid, natural, longing caresses, against bones, against lust, against bones.

[addy]

I really love some of the elements here. The macabre quality plus the narrative peppered with dialogue reminded me of Stan Rice (one of my favorites). Quirky and clever indeed.

I guess the most obvious issue I have with the piece is the structure... the line breaks seem random? I know you're going for a more free-flowing narrative style, but for me the lack of structural logic impedes the flow. Nothing an edit wouldn't easily take care of

The beautiful people's corpses being puppeted, a reenactment for the rich powdered players whom's price is of ribs and rent.
East LA's garbage, slops raining down on me, animals, penny-takers. A side-show cage amongst the many others. The announcer
blares on the megaphone:

"Ladies and GentleMEN! Please, may I have your attention? Today we have a special treat, a marvelous true sight to be seen by
YOUR eyes only." the announcer's spiel is serviceable (tells the scenario well enough) but imo it's a little generic and didn't grab me... you can spice it up, add a bit of cheek and character

He grins at the rich, fragily incestuous crowd and laughs. Not even the pasty white could cover the alcoholic blush that lurched
across his complexion. I'm trying to decide if this character aside would be better placed where the announcer was first introduced... of course it's up to your discretion

"A sight to behold! Truly! Don't be frightened, it's really a pleasure." sounds like a strange spiel at this point? is there reason yet for them to be frightened? He winks across the eager, gathering mass at a robust woman,
a cherry red corset set to the bursting point about her belly. The sun shone through the holes in her parasol, leaving dust to envy. possibly an unnecessary aside? up to you

"An event to remember! Only a quid a peek! A quid is all you, yes you, need to see the amazement and awe of......." all at once, with
the announcer they inhaled and held it, as though their petticoats would fall to shreds if not inflated, "HUMANS!" very nice

The women screamed, two fainted dead away. The men laughed heartily at the gall this man had. HUMANS? Ha.

"Oh, yes yes yes, don't doubt it, dearies!" He waddled over to the candy-stripe curtains and stuck his head in. A faint argument ensued
behind the stripes and he turned back giddily to the eavesdropping this is an example of a few points in the poem where you tend to "tell" too much rather than "show" people.

"Once in a lifetime! Pay up now and regret it lat-er, you only live twice!" He bounced about the stage and warbled on to any patron that
would listen. i think this is obvious already, so it might be unnecessary to repeat Little Bit, a young scruffy boy weaved through the crowd accepting quids left and right in a bowler hat. He seemed a bit tipsy
as he hiccuped "Thanks, love." to an older gentleman by the name of Danson. I think my contention at this point is than, since you've already given your game away with "humans", for me it feels unnecessary and even a little boring to drag it on too long. You could cut off huge chunks of this and I wouldn't miss it, just imo.

With a loud snap the spotlight went on like a target on the megaphoned man in center-stage. "Prepare." He sinisterly whispered. prefer that you showed sinister He tipped
his top-hat and bowed down, then just disappeared.

The crowd huddled in fear and the women shook to fight the chill that suddenly began. The curtain rings whistled across their rod without help,
it seemed, and before them were an unmistakable phenomenon. A man and a woman.

The couple, together, rooted in place. Her coiled and curled bleached-blonde hair, lost in places, spaces underground. His suit, dirt patched, holes
and lead ladened - glory laid down.

Her arms, upraised, fingers strumming along loose tendons, her corset in ribbons, uncovered bones, lust, and bones.

Together, in tune, together, showing peers what love was for an instinctive primitive species such as man - a suicide, an assassination, a pleading,
a giving, a taking asunder, a click, a loose tendril, a mishap, a recurring death, an affair.

Fluid, natural, longing caresses, against bones, against lust, against bones. These last four stanzas seem to have a flow all their own, like a different poem. It's not bad thing... in fact it's fascinating and I liked it. However, couldn't you make some allusion back to the setting, or the crowd (maybe a reaction)? Remember, they still have an audience.

[billy]

The beautiful people's corpses being puppeted, a reenactment for the rich powdered players whom's price is of ribs and rent. 'whom's' made me falter, apart from that the opening line is full and surreal
East LA's garbage, slops raining down on me, animals, penny-takers. A side-show cage amongst the many others. The announcer
blares on the megaphone: slops feels redundant the last line for me could be done away with in order to make the next line more potent

"Ladies and GentleMEN! Please, may I have your attention? Today we have a special treat, a marvelous true sight to be seen by
YOUR eyes only." i think the emphasis should be placed on please, PURLEESE! the 'may i have your attention' feels a little weak

He grins at the rich, fragily incestuous crowd and laughs. Not even the pasty white could cover the alcoholic blush that lurched
across his complexion.

"A sight to behold! Truly! Don't be frightened, it's really a pleasure." He winks across the eager, gathering mass at a robust woman,
a cherry red corset set to the bursting point about her belly. The sun shone through the holes in her parasol, leaving dust to envy. the barker sounds too unassuming

"An event to remember! Only a quid a peek! A quid is all you, yes you, need to see the amazement and awe of......." all at once, with
the announcer they inhaled and held it, as though their petticoats would fall to shreds if not inflated, "HUMANS!"

The women screamed, two fainted dead away. The men laughed heartily at the gall this man had. HUMANS? Ha.

"Oh, yes yes yes, don't doubt it, dearies!" He waddled over to the candy-stripe curtains and stuck his head in. A faint argument ensued
behind the stripes and he turned back giddily to the eavesdropping people.

"Once in a lifetime! Pay up now and regret it lat-er, you only live twice!" He bounced about the stage and warbled on to any patron that
would listen. Little Bit, a young scruffy boy weaved through the crowd accepting quids left and right in a bowler hat. He seemed a bit tipsy
as he hiccuped "Thanks, love." to an older gentleman by the name of Danson.

With a loud snap the spotlight went on like a target on the megaphoned man in center-stage. "Prepare." He sinisterly whispered. He tipped
his top-hat and bowed down, then just disappeared.

The crowd huddled in fear and the women shook to fight the chill that suddenly began. The curtain rings whistled across their rod without help,
it seemed, and before them were an unmistakable phenomenon. A man and a woman.

The couple, together, rooted in place. Her coiled and curled bleached-blonde hair, lost in places, spaces underground. His suit, dirt patched, holes
and lead ladened - glory laid down.

Her arms, upraised, fingers strumming along loose tendons, her corset in ribbons, uncovered bones, lust, and bones.

Together, in tune, together, showing peers what love was for an instinctive primitive species such as man - a suicide, an assassination, a pleading,
a giving, a taking asunder, a click, a loose tendril, a mishap, a recurring death, an affair.

Fluid, natural, longing caresses, against bones, against lust, against bones.

for me it reads too much as prose. the narrative while good in places needs a some strong images in others. i think a brave edit is needed to make it shout out like a barker at a carnivale would shout out.
i'd also like to see more of a juxtaposition between the human exhibit and the non humans (in one place you wrote 'The women screamed, two fainted dead away. The men laughed heartily at the gall this man had. HUMANS? Ha. ) here everyone sounds human. that said i guess a vampire can be a man or woman as can others but i get a feel that isn't what's intended.. i did enjoy the content though as i say i would have liked it to be more compact. jmo

as always jadie thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

An intensely lyrical piece. Sometimes I worry that the style comes at the expense of the narrative, which is a bit too vague now and then. But the style is so lush it doesn't affect one's enjoyment of the piece for the duration. My advice would be to talk more about the couple, which would put some meat on the bones. Thanks for the read Jade.

[jadielue]

Thanks, to you all.