Today I Climbed A Mountain

[Cthonian]

[Note - written in the winter of 2009. Some minor edits since then. Awaiting honest serious critique.]


Today I climbed a mountain.
I put on my boots,
red, dead, leather boots, and
looked up at the hulking mass,
from beyond the ancient church,
writhing with flora,
living earth.

I scaled the cusp,
scrambling amongst the livestock,
falling several times
in mires of black mud.

Circling the summit,
spiralling skywards,
on hard rock and grass,
I looked down at the villages surrounding.
Like moats of mortar and brick,
the villages seemed frozen.
Enveloped with scorn, I turned my head away.

Reaching the climax
of this trembling mountain,
I stood proud on an ancient cairn.
Then, the wind spoke to me,
slapped me,
whipped me.
Face red with broken skin,
and hair snapping, icy strands.

As if esoteric royalty screamed at me,
the wind tossed me again.
What words are these?
What language?

I ran backwards,
south,
towards the hillocks and vales,
terrified of the ghosts of the mountain,
urging me, I thought, to descend.

And then, before me,
in a sunken lay,
a megalith,
pouting at the sky,
penetrating the earth
stopped me running.
Commanded my inertia,
demanded silence and respect.

Upon it, scrawled in some ancient hieroglyph,
"Tef Roihi", read like dark magic,
and I remain motionless.

[Leanne]

"Commanded my inertia,
demanded silence and respect." -- They do indeed. This is a perfect description of the feeling I get when I'm confronted by some ancient monument, regardless of its state of repair.

I really like the assonance of "red, dead leather" (though I think you could actually do without "boots" on that line), and "mass" followed by "church" is clever wordplay. I notice that you do use a lot of -ings -- these can become repetitive very quickly, regardless of the root word. In S2, for example, you could just as easily have "scrambled amongst the livestock". (If you wanted to increase your alliteration, you could also use "stumbled several times" instead of "falling".)

"Enveloped with scorn" is an odd phrase. Perhaps "enveloped by" or "infused with"?

I don't think you need to say "hard rock". Hard is pretty much implied.

You control the rhythm of the poem well with your sounds and line breaks. There is a lot of detail here and the picture is very clear. I enjoyed reading it, thank you.

[Cthonian]

Thank you very much for the critique, Leanne. Notes and suggested duly taken on board! I'm glad you noticed the mass/church pairing

As for the experience of seeing ancient monuments - I have started actively seeking these artefacts out, which correlates perfectly with my lack of poetry-writing. I'm blaming the monuments for stealing my creativity.

EDIT - RE: Your suggestions.

I think I prefer "enveloped by scorn" rather than "enveloped with..." I think I'll change that.

[billy]

[Note - written in the winter of 2009. Some minor edits since then. Awaiting honest serious critique.]


Today I climbed a mountain.
I put on my boots,
red, dead, leather boots, and
looked up at the hulking mass,
from beyond the ancient church,
writhing with flora,
living earth. for me this line needs to be more, would 'on a' help the flow, or something else along the same line as it is it feels disjointed.

I scaled the cusp,
scrambling amongst the livestock,
falling several times
in mires of black mud.

Circling the summit, this line feels odd for me as you haven't yet attain the height of the summit yet
spiralling skywards,
on hard rock and grass,
I looked down at the villages surrounding.
Like moats of mortar and brick,
the villages seemed frozen. i really like this line,
Enveloped with scorn, I turned my head away.

Reaching the climax
of this trembling mountain, trembling feels a little off for me
I stood proud on an ancient cairn.
Then, the wind spoke to me, what did it say,
slapped me,
whipped me.
Face red with broken skin,
and hair snapping, icy strands.

As if esoteric royalty screamed at me,
the wind tossed me again. tossed feels sexual (could just be me though
What words are these?
What language?

I ran backwards, that would be a dangerous thing to do on a mountain.would retraced or traced my steps back work better
south,
towards the hillocks and vales,
terrified of the ghosts of the mountain,
urging me, I thought, to descend.

And then, before me, is 'and then' needed?
in a sunken lay,
a megalith,
pouting at the sky, pout seems too feminine for a megalith
penetrating the earth
stopped me running.
Commanded my inertia, good line
demanded silence and respect.

Upon it, scrawled in some ancient hieroglyph,
"Tef Roihi", read like dark magic,
and I remain motionless. remain or remained?

first off, great to see you post here.

some good use of poetic device. for me it could do wit tightening up a little.
lines such as;
terrified of the ghosts of the mountain,

would from me read better as;
terrified of mountain ghosts,
as it gets rid of two unneeded words,
i think if you went through the poem and got rid of all the small words which don't add it would be a lot tighter.

lot's to like about the poem. the atmosphere of it. the exhilaration the 1st person is feeling. for me it's a good solid base of a poem to work from. jmo.

[peter6]

Cthonian,

You captured the feeling of the mountain, its surroundings, as well as the rawness and mystery of nature. I was with you every step of the both the physical and spiritual journey. I truly enjoyed this poem.

My only suggestion would be to find a way to reword the stanza that has two references to 'villages'. Perhaps a pronoun?

I looked down at the villages surrounding.
Like moats of mortar and brick,
they seemed frozen.
Enveloped with scorn, I turned my head away.

[Cthonian]

Thank you to all who read and critiqued this poem. It's been a big help. Truthfully, I think this is one of my better poems, but the feedback is very much appreciated. Hopefully when I find time to write this weekend, I'll make a few changes and maybe post "Today I Climbed A Mountain - Version 2.0" on here for you all to read.

A few responses to your suggestions:

Billy - With regards to the lines "circling the summit", "trembling" and "pouting" - I suppose these are in the poem just because I'm trying to best recall the experience and put it to paper. This particular mountain has a very odd summit, or set of summits. This is part of the reason why I decided to write this piece, the mountain seems alien at times. I wrote "pouting", as this megalith lies in a very strange way, and I'm told parts of it have been attacked with an angle grinder(!), so the position of it resembles a kind of puckered plant.

Peter6 - Thank you for the suggestion - it's things like repeating myself and, as Leanne wrote earlier, the repetition of the "-ings", that I have the most trouble with when writing. I generally like to blast the poem out as quickly as I can remember my experience, usually as the expense of other things such as this.


But again, thank you all for your comments! I'm truly grateful that you all gave some time to this little poem.

[billy]

this megalith lies
in a very strange way,
parts of it have been attacked
with an angle grinder,
so the position of it resembles
a puckered plant.

it's one of the reason's you'll hear show, don't tell.
saying "i love her" is never enough, the above is show, though it could be made into a sharper image still.
below is tell;

a megalith,
pouting at the sky,

often we don't know what the writer knows, so certain phrases or simple tells leave thinking as what was said. and why. jmo.

i do how we see more of your poetry, don't forget the mild crit forum where people can just point out one or two points, instead of an in depth crit.

just keep writing and reading, getting feedback is the finest way for us all to improve.

[Cthonian]

Thank you again for the critique Billy. Can you tell me more about this "show, don't tell" perhaps? Please correct me if I'm mistaken, but do you suggest "showing" (i.e. explaining the crooked nature of the megalith) rather than "telling (i.e. presenting the image without an explanation)? I am curious and I feel I have a lot to learn.

Also, I am new here so I just wanted to check if it's okay to post a few of my poems in the critique boards so that I may collect the feedback and suggestions for myself to spend an afternoon revising my pieces? Thank you.

[billy]

the image can often be the explanation.
while some poems can be tell. image for me is almost as important as originality.
yes of course it's okay to post your poems here or on the mild critique forum.
in fact i would personally advise it if you wish to improve.

a megalith,
pouting at the sky,
the above comes over as a metaphor (is a metaphor) and as such leave us (me wondering what was meant and why. and while it works as metaphor it's a little to abstract, without extending it.
and image would show us;

the megalith lay askew
its scar raked flanks
scream as it pouts at the sky. most who read the word pouting will associate it with lips and sulking, but word choice is always yours.

often we try and be to poetic.
in a reply you said.
"the mountain seems alien at times"
to me thats a good line of poetry, works on more than one level and expresses how you felt in part about the mountain. remove the 'like" add a comma, and you end up with;

the mountain, alien at times
trembled as my feet shifted shale

the above has little to do wit the poem and more to do with forgetting you're writing poetry. (just my opinion)