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05-28-2011, 05:52 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-04-2018, 01:29 PM by billy.)
this was one of my first sonnets. i never did do an edit on it even a small edit. thankfully those who left feedback are still here [leanne, addy, heslopian] thank you and sorry. the main sticking point was L4 in the first four lines. a good while ago i learned that iambic pentameter can have variations, based on this and on the advice of addy and Leanne. thanks girls.
1st edit [a small one]
Autumnal Kill.
The clouds labour, breaking waters thunder--
Umbrellas set by summer’s warming hand
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land.
My feet follow muddy scar tissue down
a well trodden track, sided by granite,
and weeping spruce. Foliage bends to ground;
burdened with God’s tears, in declining light.
Forest odours; old burnt toast and leaf mold
almost deny a hint of juniper
and wild berries with hardy thorns, to scold
the unwary woodsman or hiker.
Red deer shelter near an aspen-faced blind.
Startled they bolt, all except the dead hind.
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This is excellent. I won't give you an in-depth analysis of the form because I don't feel I'm qualified enough. But an originality of expression and above all coherence shone through the form, making it seem as though the structure was at the service of the narrative and not vice versa, which must have been incredibly hard to pull off. Thanks for the read Bilbo.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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don't worry about not being qualified enough.
just jump in and say what you feel about the form or anything else jack 
thanks for the kind words.
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this is great billy  . I always like poems about nature, and you have a particular flair for making such rich imagery of it
(05-28-2011, 05:52 PM)billy Wrote: The clouds labour; dunno if semicolon is necessary, or if comma will do breaking waters thunder--
Umbrellas set by summer’s warming hand
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
a dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land. I quite liked this... but what is tethered to the land?
My feet follow muddy scar tissue makes more sense to say scarred mud down
a well trodden track, sided by granite,
and weeping spruce. Foliage bends to ground; comma rather than semicolon?
burdened with God’s tears, in declining light.
Forest odours; old burnt toast and leaf mold
almost deny a hint of juniper
and wild berries with hardy thorns, to scold
the unwary woodsman or hiker. Loved this stanza
Red deer shelter near an aspen-faced blind.
Startled they bolt, all except the dead hind. Loved this as well
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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tethered means connected i think as in rain touched the cloud and the land at the same time,
tethered also means moored, tied or connected. a boat can be tethered to a quay and a balloon to a wrist.
My feet follow muddy scar tissue makes more sense to say scarred mud down
yeah it does sound a little forced, i had to have ten syls, will see what i can do with it later.
yep t the grammar changes, will do a small edit later,
thanks for teh feedback addy.
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Excellent enjambment and clever use of sight/near rhymes bring this sonnet into the contemporary while still maintaining the overall "romantic" feel. You cover all the senses and S3 is particularly aesthetic.
I find S1 L4 a bit rushed and "sky-born" almost turns into two unstressed syllables following the strong and slightly longer sound of "dark" when you consider that there's a comma in that line also. The previous line ends with "under", a feminine rhyme, and I wonder if you might not be better of starting L4 with a trochee, even removing "a" and not worrying about syllables for the sake of feet?
It could be worse
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thanks for the kind words and feedback leanne.
i'll look up trochee as i'm not as well up on formal verse as i should be,
the sky-born i think i can do something with. i have a feeling it's a three footer, da dee da ?
anmyway, thanks again and great to see you giving feedback
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06-04-2011, 08:47 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-04-2011, 08:50 AM by Leanne.)
I scan it as:
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
a dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land.
FAIL, and/ SODden/ BRANCHes/ BUCKle/ UNder (all trochees -- DA dum -- a backwards iamb)
a DARK /sky-born BIRTH, /TETHered /TO the /LAND. (iamb, anapaest, trochee, trochee, trochee -- though the last one is tailless)
Actually, scanning it out like that, if you get rid of the a at the start of the line, dark slips down to unstressed so you end up with:
dark SKY/ born BIRTH (caesura) TETH/ered/TO the/ LAND
which actually shifts it back to an iambic line, just with a caesura that acts as the first half of that foot.
PS. Scansion is a tricky beast that relies heavily on accent, so don't take my word for it. If it sounds right when you read it aloud, always go with that.
It could be worse
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my brain just exploded hehe, i'll give it a better look later, (thanks for the heads up)
Posts: 5,057
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this was one of my first sonnets. i never did do an edit on it even a small edit. thankfully those who left feedback are still here [leanne, addy, heslopian] thank you and sorry. the main sticking point was L4 in the first four lines. a good while ago i learned that iambic pentameter can have variations, based on this and on the advice of addy and Leanne. thanks girls.
1st edit [a small one]
The clouds labour, breaking waters thunder--
Umbrellas set by summer’s warming hand
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land.
My feet follow muddy scar tissue down
a well trodden track, sided by granite,
and weeping spruce. Foliage bends to ground;
burdened with God’s tears, in declining light.
Forest odours; old burnt toast and leaf mold
almost deny a hint of juniper
and wild berries with hardy thorns, to scold
the unwary woodsman or hiker.
Red deer shelter near an aspen-faced blind.
Startled they bolt, all except the dead hind.
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