Impulse

[jadielue]

You unravel your suit in the sickly pale color of the
room, and I lay in bed with my curlers, conjuring
up images of your equally pale frame climbing into
the comfort of our bought home. Like once spoiled
and now motionless pet parakeets stuffed uncomfortably
in a shoe-box labeled 'lovely' we seem slothful, I suppose
'He' was watching us then.

Your lips catch mine and set sparks off in the room like
flints, our surroundings blur and change into a vintage
50's TV scene brought to you by: impulses: the lead
paint that varnishes your mind.

[billy]

You unravel your suit in the sickly pale color of the
room, and I lay in bed with my curlers, conjuring
up images of your equally pale frame climbing into
the comfort of our bought home. Like once spoiled
and now motionless pet parakeets stuffed uncomfortably
in a shoe-box labeled 'lovely' we seem slothful, I suppose i love this line and the one above
'He' was watching us then. this line is one of those extra specials that only come now and again.

Your lips catch mine and set sparks off in the room like
flints, our surroundings blur and change into a vintage
50's TV scene brought to you by: Impulses: The Lead
Paint That Varnishes Your Mind. and these two

i am enjoying your stuff jadie
the caps in the last line tend to make me forget what i've already read
and in doing so take a way the enjoyment of an otherwise great poem. i
thought the parakeets lines were superb

lips sparking while a little cliché still works well.
i did a line by line and couldn't see how as i'd change anything bar the caps in the last line,
an excellent read, thanks for it

[jadielue]

Thanks so much, Billy. Finally an honest perspective! Haha, I agree totally, I guess I just got so stuffy being in my head and all that I didn't really see the flaws. Much appreciated.

[addy]

You unravel your suit in the sickly pale color of the not sure this sentence makes grammatical sense... "unravel in the sickly pale color"?
room, and I lay in bed with my curlers, conjuring
up images of your equally pale frame climbing into
the comfort of our bought home. Like once spoiled
and now motionless pet parakeets stuffed uncomfortably
in a shoe-box labeled 'lovely' I adore this image unreasonably. It's so atmospheric and weird and interesting like an absurdist novel we seem slothful, I suppose
'He' was watching us then.

Your lips catch mine and set sparks off in the room like
flints, our surroundings blur and change into a vintage
50's TV scene brought to you by: Impulses: The Lead
Paint That Varnishes Your Mind. OMG that's fantastic

This is really great stuff. Not sure of this counts as a criticism but I didn't quite get the title after reading the poem... I felt you were making more of a commentary about love nests/ domesticity and I was confused about the meaning then of "Impulse"... but that's just imo

[jadielue]

Addy, my titles are meant to be weak and somewhat understating of the poem that it covers. Like a really beat-up old wedding veil over a treasure chest, you know? The first line is just odd, I'll give you that but it is what it is and I loves it. ^_^ Thank you.

[addy]

Ah I see . Well, the intriguing title aside, it is a lovely piece

[jadielue]

Thank you.