Retro Airport Yardsale

[jadielue]

Industrial-grade oil tears
spilling down to meet you,
to touch you, to somehow
intertwine with you.

Please, let me lay with you,
we can disappear forever
in a movie-still of cigarette
smoke and traffic lights.

I wanted nothing more than to be
like you, to be a similar dose of
perfect, but I cant. I'll never be
empty enough to hold you.

If only we could lose our heads
in baggage claim and forget what
never happened.

Please, let me lay with you.

---

Note: I will admit, a little light-weight compared to most of the other works I've done/posted but it's just as much apart of me as they are.

[Todd]

Hi Jadielue,

It's good to read your work. I hope that the comments I give you will be helpful to you (if they aren't please disregard them). I know you called this poem light-weight but it has a few really killer images in it. I'll give you some things to consider think of this more as options rather than me making some edict of "The poem must be this way" the internet doesn't convey tone really well. I am going to rearrange the lines a bit and I mean no disrespect merely want to show you some optional looks. Here goes:

Industrial-grade oil tears
spilling down to meet you,
to touch you, to somehow
intertwine with you.

While I like industrial-grade oil tears, I honestly didn't find this a strong enough lead-in for your poem. I would almost rather see you cut this and lead with S3.

Please, let me lay with you,--I think you could cut this line. I also could see you moving it into S1. Something like:

Please, let me lay with you
spilling down to meet you like (minor tweak)
Industrial-grade oil tears
to touch you, to somehow intertwine. (another minor tweak)


we can disappear forever
in a movie-still of cigarette
smoke and traffic lights.--these three lines are an incredibly evocative, lovely image. They're the type of lines that I remember and make me happy I've read the poem. The "in a movie-still" phrase is what elevates the entire image. Such gorgeous writing

I wanted nothing more than to be
like you, to be a similar dose of--interesting phrasing with dose. I'd consider moving the of down a line the break on the noun would be stronger than the preposition in my opinion
perfect, but I cant. I'll never be--might be stronger if you cut "I can't"
empty enough to hold you.--what a beautiful line

If only we could lose our heads
in baggage claim and forget what
never happened.--again great conclusion I like the way you changed it up

Well, I know I took some liberties there. For what you consider light-weight, you have some breath-taking writing in it.

Best to you,

Todd













Note: I will admit, a little light-weight compared to most of the other works I've done/posted but it's just as much apart of me as they are.

[jadielue]

Thank you!