~Who Will Be Responsible?~

[ficosdarkness]

I asked myself how could I let this happen? And I watched it spinning around collecting the dirt and pollution that has surrounded me, so much so that when I held it up to the sun it refracted a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful. Then I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe hoping that it would come back to me somehow different than what it was or not at all. As I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun, I was blinded to the fact that a piece had torn itself away from my question and remained planted firmly before me. I started to run frightened and blind, afraid that my question would come back the same , then tripped over the pieces that remained in front of me. I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on my question until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there, planted so deep, unmoving. There it was different but the same and the words read,
"I let this happen."


~Who Will Be Responsible?~ Revised Version

I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?"
I watched it spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted
a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful.
I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe
hoping that it would come back different, or not at all.
Anxietiously, I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun,
I was blinded
A piece had torn itself away and it remained firmly before me.
Frightened and unable to see past the sunbursts in my eyes,
I tried to run, afraid that my query would come back the same ,
I tripped over the pieces in front of me.
I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on it,
until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there,
standing tall, planted deep, like the crusifix of the Christ.
It was different, ominous, yet simple, almost the same
and the words read, "I let this happen."

[billy]

content -wise; very profound, very excellent, very very good (jmo)
it feels that the poem is about questioning the self and getting an answer we didn't expect.
i really loved it. and i think it's publishable. again jmo.

my nit. for me it needs enjambment. the reader needs a little time to catch breath in order
to follow the poem. that said it's just my opinion and i still think ita very good poem no matter how it's written.
this way it a prose poem with enjambment it's not so much a prose poem.

thanks for a great read fd

[ficosdarkness]

content -wise; very profound, very excellent, very very good (jmo)
it feels that the poem is about questioning the self and getting an answer we didn't expect.
i really loved it. and i think it's publishable. again jmo.

my nit. for me it needs enjambment. the reader needs a little time to catch breath in order
to follow the poem. that said it's just my opinion and i still think ita very good poem no matter how it's written.
this way it a prose poem with enjambment it's not so much a prose poem.

thanks for a great read fd

Thank you, Billy! As you can see I'm still having problems with punctuation and form, but I'm glad that didn't interfere with the poem itself!

[billy]

i didn't struggler with the grammar, just a little with the form.
i have to say your writing has come on leaps and bounds since the 1st reading i had of one of your poems.

[ficosdarkness]

i didn't struggler with the grammar, just a little with the form.
i have to say your writing has come on leaps and bounds since the 1st reading i had of one of your poems.

Thank you so much, billy! That means so much to me! I've been trying to go deeper and open my mind up at the same time! I've found it to be quite a tricky bit, but very exhilarating!

[billy]

I asked myself how could I let this happen? And I watched it spinning around collecting the dirt and pollution that has surrounded me, so much so that when I held it up to the sun it refracted a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful. Then I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe hoping that it would come back to me somehow different than what it was or not at all. As I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun, I was blinded to the fact that a piece had torn itself away from my question and remained planted firmly before me. I started to run frightened and blind, afraid that my question would come back the same , then tripped over the pieces that remained in front of me. I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on my question until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there, planted so deep, unmoving. There it was different but the same and the words read,
"I let this happen."


~Who Will Be Responsible?~ Revised Version

I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?"
I watched it spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted
a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful.
I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe
hoping that it would come back different, or not at all.
Anxietiously, I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun,
I was blinded
A piece had torn itself away and it remained firmly before me.
Frightened and unable to see past the sunbursts in my eyes,
I tried to run, afraid that my query would come back the same ,
I tripped over the pieces in front of me.
I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on it,
until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there,
standing tall, planted deep, like the crusifix of the Christ.
It was different, ominous, yet simple, almost the same
and the words read, "I let this happen."

what an edit. anxiously and crucifix.

much much better. if i had one dribble of advice now, it would be this;
don't go too far in the removal of short words. or try an mix up the I's a little
I tripped over the pieces in front of me.
could be;
and tripped over the pieces in front of me.

another technique is letting the sentence run on but only a small amount like so;
I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?" I watched it
spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted

but the edit itself is very brave and form wise excellent. it looks and reads better (for me)

it's really refreshing when you see someone make a leap as big as the one you have made Fd. excellent.

thanks for the new read

[ficosdarkness]

I asked myself how could I let this happen? And I watched it spinning around collecting the dirt and pollution that has surrounded me, so much so that when I held it up to the sun it refracted a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful. Then I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe hoping that it would come back to me somehow different than what it was or not at all. As I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun, I was blinded to the fact that a piece had torn itself away from my question and remained planted firmly before me. I started to run frightened and blind, afraid that my question would come back the same , then tripped over the pieces that remained in front of me. I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on my question until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there, planted so deep, unmoving. There it was different but the same and the words read,
"I let this happen."


~Who Will Be Responsible?~ Revised Version

I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?" I watched it
spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted
a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful.
I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe
hoping that it would come back different, or not at all.
Anxiously, I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun,
I was blinded
A piece had torn itself away and it remained firmly before me.
Frightened and unable to see past the sunbursts in my eyes,
I tried to run, afraid that my query would come back the same ,
and tripped over the pieces in front of me.
I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on it,
until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there,
standing tall, planted deep, like the crucifix of the Christ.
It was different, ominous, yet simple, almost the same
and the words read, "I let this happen."

what an edit. anxiously and crucifix.

much much better. if i had one dribble of advice now, it would be this;
don't go too far in the removal of short words. or try an mix up the I's a little
I tripped over the pieces in front of me.
could be;
and tripped over the pieces in front of me.

another technique is letting the sentence run on but only a small amount like so;
I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?" I watched it
spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted

but the edit itself is very brave and form wise excellent. it looks and reads better (for me)

it's really refreshing when you see someone make a leap as big as the one you have made Fd. excellent.

thanks for the new read

Refreshing? How about petrifying? At least from my POV! But I think that the new form will work for me. Thanks billy!

[addy]

A poem is akin to a sculpture in that aspect, where the structure and enjambment releases the poem's form and frees it's beauty... letting the lines and curves and spaces of the words carry the readers mind or let it linger like a sculpture would draw the eye. I think you did an amazing job with your edit here

[heslopian]

A profound and affecting piece which goes places not many writers would in such a way, so the skill of your craft is accentuated by your bravery.

[ficosdarkness]

A poem is akin to a sculpture in that aspect, where the structure and enjambment releases the poem's form and frees it's beauty... letting the lines and curves and spaces of the words carry the readers mind or let it linger like a sculpture would draw the eye. I think you did an amazing job with your edit here

I love that explanation, addy! Thank you for that and for the compliment on my work, you are certainly appreciated. I fear that I may be "working" to hard on something that has come natural for a long time. Although I do feel the need to apply form more often, I've been trying to rope myself in, when maybe I should leave a little play in the rope? Thank you again, Addy!
Sincerely,
fd

---

A profound and affecting piece which goes places not many writers would in such a way, so the skill of your craft is accentuated by your bravery.

Jack,

I so love to hear from you on these pieces. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
fd