Nauticus

[Verbavore]

22March2003

Surely we were meant to be.
But a wave is just a part
of an endless ocean of sea,
and as far as lonely me,
I could only barely start
to compare to an ocean of sea.

Surely we were meant to love.
As lovers we were great.
But, could we ever rise above
the ocean of our love
and navigate our fate?
Could we ever rise above
and do much more than mate?

Surely we were meant to fight
as arguing is called.
It never felt that it was right,
It may be me, it may just might
be the reason that I stalled
and put you on a pedestal
in an artificial light.

Surely we were meant to break
as the sun breaks anew each day
to shine on a new emotional lake.
More than hearts were meant to break.
It was more than love we were meant to make.
As tears are cried ‘cause I can’t stay
they fill up an ocean of sea.
And as far as you pertain to me,
I’m drowning in your lake.

[Ris Yerg]

Hi!
Once more I have a real regret that I can't give you "rep. points" for such wonderful poem!
Anyway! 5 stars and exalt!
Wonderful, wonderful poem!
Thanks for sharing!
R.Y.

[billy]

22March2003

Surely we were meant to be.
But a wave is just a part
of an endless ocean of sea,
and as far as lonely me,
I could only barely start
to compare to an ocean of sea.

Surely we were meant to love.
As lovers we were great.
But, could we ever rise above
the ocean of our love
and navigate our fate?
Could we ever rise above
and do much more than mate?

Surely we were meant to fight
as arguing is called.
It never felt that it was right,
It may be me, it may just might
be the reason that I stalled
and put you on a pedestal
in an artificial light.

Surely we were meant to break
as the sun breaks anew each day
to shine on a new emotional lake.
More than hearts were meant to break.
It was more than love we were meant to make.
As tears are cried ‘cause I can’t stay
they fill up an ocean of sea.
And as far as you pertain to me,
I’m drowning in your lake.

you'll be surprised how many don't know the ocean is comprised of the seas.

the ryhtm is good though a little shaky in the last verse.
lake and ocean/sea is a mixed metaphore (though it could be a salt water lake )

the 3rd verse was my fave, i think it's a great base for the real poem to grow from, i see the poem was done in 2003;

thanks for the read and the 1st poem, they're always the hardest

i'd love to see you do an edit on it VB.

[Verbavore]

Thanks guys. Don't worry Ris, I take fake 'rep. points,' too. 8^ )
billy, I am not often the one to re-do my poetry, but you do have a point; this is an old poem and there are some elements that I think are a little 'hokey' (e.g. "As tears are cried 'cause I can't stay"), so I'd say I could improve it, and now I have a mind to actually do some editing.
Yeah, I know I use ocean/sea/lake synonymously in this one, for effect. But, if it is made up of tears, it is definately not a freshwater lake.

[billy]

whatever feedback anyone gives is only their opinion, the poet can always disregard or use it as they see fit.

i've yet to see a poem that really works well without it having some kind of edit.
the general consensus is; as we improve in our writing we are able to see how some of our poems can also be improved.
some poets have hundreds of poems in the drawer and every now and then they'll take em out to see if they can make em work.

point taken on the lake