dinner at a burger joint

[heslopian]

lining the walls are brown sofas,
before tables perfectly square,

and several dozen odd shaped chairs,
with coloured seats and slanted legs.

a pointless patchwork of soot streaks,
cordoning off obscure white shapes,

decorate one windowless wall.
a lonely girl sweeping the floors,

her hair tied up in a sanitary bun,
a plastic nametag on her shirt,

wears an all black uniform,
like a Death Star caterer.

I lick the slop from my fingers,
the strange and sour garlic sauce,

finish my coke and eat the ice,
bust my tray then step into the night.

[billy]

for me the poem has some good couplets.

5, 6, 7, and 8. the preceding ones feel too weak for me.
while the 1st one could be used as the lead in, 2, 3, and 4, feel
to me not to be enough to carry the poem along.
all the couplets are able to stand on their own except the 4th:
which if read as a singular couplet doesn't work to well.
i think this one needs more than narrative. other than that it's a nice sedate poem.
all jmo and as always thanks for the read.

i'll try and do a couplet poem later (i need something to kick start me up again, hope you don't mind if i use the form )

[heslopian]

Of course I don't mind. I don't own the patent to couplet poems Thanks as always for your feedback. I might scrap this poem later and return to the drawing board. I feel it has too much setting and not enough action.

[billy]

i think you can keep some of it as a base to work from.