(content warning) duskless summer

[heslopian]

here i am and there are you
attractive
indifferent
in your duskless summer

the sun doesn't move
(you've broken its legs)
it tans you a healthy whiteness

white white white

the colour of oblivion
and blank paper

i want you because my windows won't close
they stay open always on your duskless summer

i want to fuck you and kiss you
and buy you ribbons
and eat your anus
and feed you teacakes

i want to crawl into
your duskless summer
shit on the roses and heal the sun's legs
watch it scuttle off
like a beetle down a wall

then mount you in the dark
and violate you
while muttering
how pure my love is

[Lawrence]

Your poems are often difficult to critique because they are so ambiguous, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

here i am and there are you
attractive
indifferent
in your duskless summer (I'm fine with all of it so far)

the sun doesn't move
(you've broken its legs) (I'm unsure about this line. "You've broken its legs" falls a bit sort for me.)
it tans you a healthy blandness ("A healthy blandness" also sounds odd.)

white white white

the colour of oblivion
and blank paper (I don't have much to say about this part)

i want you because my windows won't close
they open always on your duskless summer (I love these two lines)

i want to fuck you and kiss you
and buy you ribbons
and eat your anus
and feed you teacakes (This part had me laughing pretty loudly)

"i want to break into (Is "break" the correct verb?)
your duskless summer
shit on the roses and heal the sun's legs
watch it scuttle off
like a beetle down a wall" (If the "sun's legs" line worked for me, I'd applaud the great image.)

then mount you in the dark
and violate you
while muttering throughout
how pure my love is (Good close)


I wish I could provide a less general critique, but as a poem becomes more vapory, so do its mistakes.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed this; I loved the "teacakes" line.

[billy]

"please open the curtains" - last line of 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane why is the line here?

here i am and there are you
attractive
indifferent
in your duskless summer looks weak but upon a more than passing read comes off as quite strong i like it

the sun doesn't move
(you've broken its legs)
it tans you a healthy blandness i like the way the line juxtaposes physical with inherent quality

white white white

the colour of oblivion is oblivion white? though i like the image
and blank paper

i want you because my windows won't close
they open always on your duskless summer if they open they must close, would 'stay' work between 'they' and 'open'?

i want to fuck you and kiss you
and buy you ribbons
and eat your anus
and feed you teacakes a perfect verse, i laughed at eat your anus, i have no idea why

i want to break into
your duskless summer
shit on the roses and heal the sun's legs
watch it scuttle off
like a beetle down a wall i also like this verse, originally i asked why not use 'bike' which ='s 'cycle' but i withdrew the comment because it would have meant changes here as well and this verse works for me

then mount you in the dark
and violate you
while muttering throughout is throughout needed?
how pure my love is

i think you have a rare gift jack. and that gift is style, you have a bona fide style all of your own, while i can see some leanings towards others styles it is most definitely jack's style. for me that in itself is a success. (when i say style i don't mean genre, ie; nostaligic, depressive etc)

this poem is in jacks style. it's mainly narrative with a lot of originality that feels as if it starts off slow and culminates in a canter that's given us a slice of life, we don't care whose slice or whose life. it has a sad quality with a hint of funny, even bizarre at time but the quality is usually good (as this one is for me) and the themes are relatively similar.

i wasn't keen on the topnote. it makes me spend too much time wondering whi it is and what it pertains too, sorry but all i want is the poem hehe. (just my take of course)
and that's it. sorry for not replying sooner, thanks for the read. (jmo)

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback and kind words Lawrence. I'll change "a healthy blandness" to "a healthy whiteness" as I myself find it a tad unsubtle. Do you think "climb" or "crawl" would work better than "break into/your duskless summer"?

Thank you for the feedback Billy. I'll remove the epigram once I've finished this. I added it after I'd posted the poem on DU and people had commented, because I liked the connection between it and the open windows (yep, my thinking was really that shallow). I agree about the windows staying open; I'll use your suggestion there as well. Thanks also for your kind words about my style!

[billy]

Do you think "climb" or "crawl" would work better than "break into/your duskless summer"?

i think either would work. as would crash, smash, fall, and a host of others. i agree that break could be changed.