Floorboards (One more revision to go! Taking all suggestions!)

[Lawrence]

Props to Billy and Jack who helped me create this. I'll revise it one more time, and then I'm putting it away for two months. Have at it!

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves,
And shadows loiter shopping malls,
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalks with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with void, which arches up
And paints the walls with cobalt dust.
The ceiling zooms beyond my view,
The windows shut themselves, and soon-
I am alone.

This is a special loneliness-
No rosary or crucifix
Fearfully clutched against my chest
Will make it easier to rest.
I look at where the clock is hung.
It’s like some taunting, ticking sun
Radiating seconds slowly.
I watch night crawl like slime above me

Dawn comes like a lazy savior
Weakly waving rust-stained banners.
Irritated, the void retreats;
The floor returns. Some nights, I sleep
Through this. That, I most dislike.
I wake, my room is warm with light.
The windows grin, no longer closed
The floor stares from its ordered rows-
The azure wallpaper, the clock-
My nick-knacks in their proper spots.
Outside, a sun-drenched cloud goes by-
It’s all a sick and specious lie.

---

PREVIOUS VERSION
(Sorry Jack, I accidentally deleted the last one :/. I still used most of your advice.)

---

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls
And when the strands of streetlights sign
My sidewalk with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with black, its nails with void
And any structure be destroyed.
The ceiling, zooming out of view
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone.

This is a special loneliness-
Picture a shack in the wilderness
One small, unfurnished moon-lit den
Doors missing, ivy creeping in,
And you inside. Nearby, a book
Its cover titled, “DO NOT LOOK”;
Curious, you lift a corner
Nothing! You turn the cover over
And scan its pages, each one blank-
You reach the end; written in black
Is your name, and the following words-
“And that is what your life is worth”

[billy]

Props to Billy and Jack who helped me create this. I'll revise it one more time, and then I'm putting it away for two months. Have at it!

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves,
And shadows loiter shopping malls,
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalks with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with void, which arches up
And paints the walls with cobalt dust.
The ceiling zooms beyond my view,
The windows shut themselves, and soon-
I am alone.

This is a special loneliness-is this line needed, feels weal and telly
No rosary or crucifix
Fearfully clutched against my chest would 'fearful, cluctched against...work better.?
Will make it easier to rest.
I look at where the clock is hung.
It’s like some taunting, ticking sun
Radiating seconds slowly.
I watch night crawl like slime above me not sure why but this line bothers me a little, i think it's the meter being a tad to long

Dawn comes like a lazy savior
Weakly waving rust-stained banners.
Irritated, the void retreats;
The floor returns. Some nights, I sleep love this line
Through this. That, I most dislike.
I wake, my room is warm with light. feels a little weak, use an image
The windows grin, no longer closed like this line a lot, good image
The floor stares from its ordered rows-
The azure wallpaper, the clock-
My nick-knacks in their proper spots.
Outside, a sun-drenched cloud goes by-
It’s all a sick and specious lie. loved the last 4 lines though the last feel a little forced

i think you did really well on the edits lawrence, glad you stuck with it, i think the poem deserved it. most of what i said are just little nits really and as always jmo's.
i think the edit has made the poem much more stronger. the 2nd verse in the last edit felt a little washy/telly here it's sturdy. i saw the two floor's in the last verse but the repetition works for me.

in general the poem has really good meter and content, lots of imagery and metaphor going on which is always a good thing. not sure i'm to keen on some the "the's" though.

anyway, i think you did a splendid edit on it.

thanks for the read as always.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

Great poem! Let me give you some comments:

Props to Billy and Jack who helped me create this. I'll revise it one more time, and then I'm putting it away for two months. Have at it!

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.--love the break on floor and the follow up in L2 very strong and cool opening. I normally am not attracted to rhyme but this entire piece has a nice creepiness to it
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks--These two lines work well and build the momentum
Must dissipate as night evolves,--great word choice on dissipate and night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls,--this is one of my favorite lines
And when the strands of streetlights sign--sign felt a little off to me
The sidewalks with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face--good break on face and I love the addition of "of wood" on the next line
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with void, which arches up--nice sense of movement here
And paints the walls with cobalt dust.--love the line and the image
The ceiling zooms beyond my view,
The windows shut themselves, and soon-
I am alone.--nice surprising change up from the meter you've established. It gives the sense of building and building and then a quick stop. I really liked this.

This is a special loneliness---don't think this adds anything that I am alone didn't accomplish better
No rosary or crucifix
Fearfully clutched against my chest
Will make it easier to rest.
I look at where the clock is hung.
It’s like some taunting, ticking sun--gorgeous well-done image. I love ticking sun
Radiating seconds slowly.--radiated seconds extends the metaphor well
I watch night crawl like slime above me--I also stumbled here a bit. Maybe: The night crawls like slime above me.

Dawn comes like a lazy savior
Weakly waving rust-stained banners.--the dawn line falls a bit flat because it changes the mood to abruptly for me. I think if you led with this line and then followed with "Dawn comes..." It would be stronger.
Irritated, the void retreats;--I'd like you to show irratation here rather than just telling me
The floor returns. Some nights, I sleep--great line
Through this. That, I most dislike.
I wake, my room is warm with light.--maybe substitute now for is
The windows grin, no longer closed--love the image
The floor stares from its ordered rows-
The azure wallpaper, the clock---azure sounds too poetic. I'd find somethinng more simple
My nick-knacks in their proper spots.--Minor spelling: knick not nick
Outside, a sun-drenched cloud goes by---goes is too vague (drifts, floats, etc)
It’s all a sick and specious lie. --this line was a bit of a let down. I'd almost rather see something abrupt like earlier. "I am still alone" or something like it. The ending line as you have it feels too pat

---

Great poem though! I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd