Floorboards, revision two

[Lawrence]

First two stanzas of a larger poem
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I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate when lights are out
And hazy whispers haunt the house
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalks, with their blazing lines


The floorboards drop like bits of sand
The clock withdraws its face and hands
The clouds outside eclipse the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
Residing in an empty home
Containing silent telephones
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PREVIOUS
I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bond its rigid ranks
Must dissipate when lights are out
And hazy whispers haunt the house
And when my family sits and signs
The sandman’s contract’s dotted line

It’s been this way since I was young
The floorboards melted with the sun
The clouds outside eclipsed the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I was alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
On ice-skinned mountains, empty homes
Containing silent telephones

[billy]

First two stanzas of a larger poem
__________________________________
I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate when lights are out
And hazy whispers haunt the house
And when the strands of streetlights sign like this line better
The sidewalks, with their blazing lines lines doesn't work for me


The floorboards drop like bits of sand bits feels wrong for me, but i prefer this line
The clock withdraws its face and hands
The clouds outside eclipse the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
Residing in an empty home it's plainer but i prefer it
Containing silent telephones
________________________________
PREVIOUS
I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bond its rigid ranks
Must dissipate when lights are out
And hazy whispers haunt the house
And when my family sits and signs
The sandman’s contract’s dotted line

It’s been this way since I was young
The floorboards melted with the sun
The clouds outside eclipsed the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I was alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
On ice-skinned mountains, empty homes
Containing silent telephones

i like the edit better, a few really small nits is all. it's not far off being nailed.
all the rhymes and half rhymes work for me except;
out
house

young
sun