windows

[heslopian]

A thousand windows pass me by,
the majority lighted, allowing view of corridors,
whitewashed walls and half-glimpsed doors.
The bus curls round them like wrapping paper
and in the dark they become eyes;
I wonder how many students live there,
if any of them have caught sight of me.

[billy]

a thousand windows pass me by,
the majority lighted, allowing view of corridors,
whitewashed walls and half-glimpsed doors.
the bus curls round them like wrapping paper
and in the dark they become eyes;
I wonder how many students live there,
if any of them have caught sight of me.

it's so hard to give an in depth crit of a short poem if you really like it.
okay here goes, seeing as you've used grammar i think caps should also be used where they would normally go. after all they are part of grammar.
would allowed work better instead of allowing on the 2nd line?
loved L3, and L4. L4 invokes a feeling of closed community.
i also like the rhetorical question and answer of the last two lines.
it gives the poem that day dream state we get when travelling by bus
all in all i found the poem a delight to read. it was light and airy, the transition of light to dark worked effortlessly in opening up the eye metaphor. reversing the role voyeur.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback Billy. Wouldn't changing "allowing" to "allowed" alter the present tense of the piece? I will go back and use capitals. I typed this into my phone in the form of a series of memos while on the bus.

[billy]

i don't think the tense would be changed seeing as the windows are moving, you were allowed.
on consultation with the god of tense.
i have been informed the best usage to use would be allowing, i hate you
i also hate gerunds because it's something i overuse

i was going to say you could use allow but was also told that that wouldn't be proper

[heslopian]

haha Who informed you of this?

[billy]

addy, I hate her

[Lawrence]

This piece is rather sad to me. Have you been feeling a little disconnected from the world, Jack?
"A thousand windows pass me by,"
I have no issue with this line. I rarely do with the first part of a poem, unless the author is Angelou.
"the majority lighted, allowing view of corridors,"
I'm with billy on "allowing"; It's a rather dry word. I cannot tell you how to remedy this, but I would like to see something that SHOWS the inside to be illuminated. Perhaps a more direct image?
"whitewashed walls and half-glimpsed doors."
Half-glimpsed doors is unique and interesting, not to mention dynamic. I feel as if I'm barely catching a view of these "doors", which is an image that gives this line a sense of motion. "Whitewashed" is okay, but I don't feel like it adds too much. I already pictured these walls as "whitewashed", so I'm not sure if you'd rather replace it with something a bit more surprising. Again, this is just my opinion, and the adjective isn't much of a problem. At least you're not saying "bright".
"The bus curls round them like wrapping paper"
I'm ambivalent about this line. It's unique, and a great, simple image. HOWEVER...When I picture wrapping paper being wrapped around an object, I visualize an item that starts out wrapped, and ends completely concealed by it. I guess you could say that the bus wrapped it in its "path", but, you know what I'm getting at. It's probably just me; I'm fighting off the flu and feel worse than a woman at a monastery.
"and in the dark they become eyes"
Solid.
"I wonder how many students live there,
if any of them have caught sight of me."
Bringing the poem to a good close.

I liked it. Makes me feel a bit lonely
Good work.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, Lawrence Would "sterile" work better than "whitewashed"?

---

addy, I hate her

Good ole' Addy

[Lawrence]

Sonically, whitewashed works better. White-washed-walls. The reiteration of W sounds nice. I think it's something that you could probably keep and not too many would raise an eyebrow.

[addy]

A thousand windows pass me by,
the majority lighted, allowing view of corridors,
whitewashed walls and half-glimpsed doors.
The bus curls round them like wrapping paper (honestly I liked this line; combined with the image of the lines, it sounds to me like being in the bus simultaneously blocks your view while offering a glimpse of something tantalizing)
and in the dark they become eyes;
I wonder how many students live there,
if any of them have caught sight of me. (Love how you did these lines; you don't wonder wonder about who live there, but instead wonder how many. It suggests a comfort in merely observing from afar, and in just accepting the perfect whiteness and light you see. Curious but not overanalyzing. The eyes of windows, just like the boy on the bus, are just fascinating strangers )

Don't have any issues with this. Lovely, solid read, and certainly one of my faves. I've felt like this quite a few times