College Elections

[heslopian]

Black and white pictures of a po-faced young man
litter the columns in each college square.
Placed always just above my headline,
his features loom down like a stern mother's.

On the bus I trudged through sewers of despair,
dull ache in one ear and a bloated stomach;
the world is brimming with sadness,
a thought which won't let my Shreddies digest.

Now, staring at the photograph,
I realise I hate that young man.

[billy]

Black and white pictures of a po-faced young man
litter the columns in each college square.
Placed always just above my headline,
his features loom down like a stern mother's might. might feels a little weak

On the bus here, I trudged through sewers of despair, is here needed
dull ache in one ear and a bloated stomach;
the world is brimming with sadness,
a thought which won't let my Shreddies digest. this line needs to be saved by the smithsonian

Now, staring at this photograph, would the work better than this?
I realise I hate that young man.

how do i do a two paragraph crit of this?

the scene is set by the title. it lets me imagine the hallowed squares being tainted with proclamations of vote for me.
i loved the shreddies lines jack.

the piece is imbued with a sense of melancholy yet at the same time it has humour. telly but not in a bad way. for me it's the narrative that makes the poem work. it has an undercurrent which juxtaposes nicely with the soul of a lad who seeming wouldn't normally hurt a fly.

for me it's one of those reads that start off light and go deeper emotionally with each read. i really enjoyed it.

thanks for the read .

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind words and feedback Billy. I'll use all three suggestions you made. Glad you liked the Shreddies line