The Next Best Award

[waitingforgodet]

The next best award would be,
ah, yes, what women have given me.
Accolades of love, sex and sensuality
imbued with varied scents and tonality.

But unlike notions of regret,
it is best that I do not forgot,
The key to their magic kingdoms aside,
They dwell in my heart wherever they reside.

And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy
but a real and tactile memory
indelibly placed by this species of femininity.

Indeed the next best award I’ll ever know
til the next owns my heart and doesn’t go.

[Lawrence]

Here I go, with a line by line.

"The next best award would be, (7 Syllables)"
Okay....

"ah, yes, what women have given me.(9 Syllables)"
I'm immediately thrown off. "Ah, yes" seems superfluous to me.
Please try to avoid fillers. Other than that, I have nothing else
To say regarding these two lines


"Accolades of love, sex and sensuality"
Very abstract, and provides me with nothing too interesting
Or startling. It's also very "telly". And it's twelve syllables.
I'm not saying that you cannot take liberty with a form; I think
If you'd like to, then that's perfectly acceptable. I'm saying that most poets
Who want to rhyme like this stick to the old-fashioned because
Old-fashioned knows best. Meter is there to make you think
Beyond yourself; to put you into a trance and give the reader
A place to dwell in.

"imbued with varied scents and tonality."
Word liked "varied" are almost always weak, and I'm still
Not getting ANY imagery. The vocabulary is also a little over-the-top
For my tastes.

"But unlike notions of regret"
Again, I'd like to see illustration, please.

"it is best that I do not forgot,"
Do you mean forget? You didn't write this too
hastily, did you? If so, why?
Sonically, these two lines sound nice.

"The key to their magic kingdoms aside,"
PLEASE with "magic kingdoms" Abstract and cliche...
You can do better, I know it!

"They dwell in my heart wherever they reside."
Refer to previous comment.

"And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy"
These two lines are alright. With rhythm, these
Two are keepers.
but a real and tactile memory
Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. Nouns and verbs
(Along with very SHOCKING adjectives) stimulate the mind.
These are not shocking.
indelibly placed by this species of femininity."
Have you ever crossed paths with a women who wears
Too much perfume? That is the feeling I get with this
last line.

I hope I don't sound harsh. Most poems, if not all poems,
Posted here need to be heavily tempered and re-vamped.
Read it over, fill it with images and meter, and then I'd love
to see the second draft.

[waitingforgodet]

Lawrence, you've done a wonderful technical analysis of my poem and I agree with almost everything you've said. The only thing you left out was the intent of the poem. You asked if I wrote it hastily. Yes, I did. Obviously, this did not escape you. The only thing I changed when I typed up the poem were the last two lines. I had no intention of posting this poem, and then it ocurred to me--who knows why, but probably because there are poems I'm writing and rewriting that I cannot seem to let go--perhaps you and others are in the same state with some of your work--in this state, it no longer becomes poetry, but something else: A kind of laborious and precision -like process that becomes so premeditated and conscious that the joy of writing poetry (my reason for writing poetry, anyway) and playful use of words are lost. Perhaps we might even start a new section for poems called, say, blueprints or origins or genesis, not because any of us wish to read sloppy writing, but to help the poet at the very beginning so as not to lose the idea and intent of the poem before it becomes overladen with this quest for perfection which, I think, anyway, does not exist. You're right, of course, in what you said about most poems, if not all, need to be revamped or heavily tempered, and your point does not apply to the poets on this site alone. I've been reading some Dylan Thomas and Carl Sandburg poetry and if they were posting on this site today, I know that I for one, anyway, could think of many ways of changing their syntax, rewriting some of their lines and replacing some of their words. I would like to know your thoughts on my idea, Lawrence. I'd welcome Billy's, Todd's, Addy's, Jack's, anyone's thoughts, for that matter. And Lawrence, don't ever think you're being too harsh with your criticism. That's one of the beautiful things about this site, that we can say what we truly think about the poems we read. There has not been a criticism I've read regarding my poems or anyone else's that I have not gained some insight as to how to improve them. Right off the bat, Lawrence, regarding my poem here, you mentioned "filler's"--right on the money comment--and it will indelibly stay in my head and improve my writing. Thank you, Larence--Jim

[Lawrence]

I'm glad you're so receptive, and I can hope I receive all commentary directed toward me in the gracious spirit. I'll think about your idea.

[waitingforgodet]

When you think about it, Lawrence, there's no alternative than to be receptive to what we say to each other about our poems; afterall, we're all trying to be better at it. If we benefit by what we say, and that's the point even when a poem is misunderstood by the critic--I know this happens in my case from time to time when I critique a poet's work, but there is still something beneficial to be gotten, a better idea or another poem can emerge. One of the problems I've seen in poems I've read, mine included, is that there seems to be a fighting of ideas and conflict with the poet's own intent, namely not sure of what they are saying and feel impelled to throw everything in and hoping they'll hit the mark somewhere. I think it is best to focus on one idea at a time; with many poems I've read on this site, I 've actually seen two or three good or even great poems in one chaotic one. I am not a hunter, but if I were, I would shoot at one animal at a time. One other thing: I've gotten more out of this site than I have in reading books about improving the writer's art or craft. I've never taken a poetry writing class, but have sat in on a few fiction writing classes; honestly, didn't get much at all out of them. We all like to hear praise--helps us to some extent and feeds the ego, of course, but only when the critic can say why something is good or why a phrase works well or how the intent was resoundingly clear-- this is what truly benefits the poet and, conversely, why it doesn't work but can offer very good suggestions on how to improve. I now have a call to the people who read the poetry here, but don't comment on it: Raise your voices and let us know what you truly think about the poetry you're reading. How can we get 40 or 50 reads of a poem and only a few comments and always by the same three or four or five people? I do go on, don't I? But I think what I have to say is important. The other beautiful thing about this site is that it is on the internet and we don't know each other; there's no distraction by someone's physical presence; there's also nothing to be gained or lost monetarily or politically. Ever wonder why meetings at offices with the boss present are usually futile, even ridiculous. No one has the balls to be honest. There is too much perceived pain in that; consequently, we all suffer the feeling of being unclean or dirtied just by being present in those situations. I'm sure you could think of other situations too where this premise might be applied--jim

[Lawrence]

Sorry for the typo. "Your" gracious spirit. I haven't been sleeping well lately, college is a real chore .
"I've been reading some Dylan Thomas and Carl Sandburg poetry and if they were posting on this site today, I know that I for one, anyway, could think of many ways of changing their syntax, rewriting some of their lines and replacing some of their words."
I certainly would request this, because they were composing their poetry 75-100 years ago. Language was somewhat different back then, and, if used in such a way today, would make me question why it wasn't written in modern diction and syntax. Certainly these men should be studied, even emulated in a sense, but like old Frost says, "All poetry is the reproduction of the tones of everyday speech" I wouldn't enjoy an archaic piece written by a 21st century poet; kind of like a larger lady looks ugly in a slim dress.

I don't disagree with anything you've said. There is no shortcut to success. Good comments.

[billy]

The next best award would be, is next needed?
ah, yes, what women have given me. is ah yes needed?
Accolades of love, sex and sensuality
imbued with varied scents and tonality.

But unlike notions of regret, is but needed?
it is best that I do not forgot, is that needed?
The key to their magic kingdoms aside,
They dwell in my heart wherever they reside.

And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy
but a real and tactile memory
indelibly placed by this species of femininity.

Indeed the next best award I’ll ever know
til the next owns my heart and doesn’t go. these two lines feel forced

for me the poem needs at least three solid images, 1 in each verse. while end rhymes can carry a poem. internal rhythm makes it lighter, easier to read. if possible use at least 3 poetic devices in a poem of this length.
you have end rhymes which is one. assonance and alliteration are the most commonly used. (jmo) imagery should be one of the most important along with meter. if possible try and get an internal rhythm going by using meter. not all lines have to have the same meter but rhyming poetry does work best with some kind of pattern to the meter.

for instance an 8887 syl verse is common. as is 87876 verse. what we want to establish is a flow, the way the words trip of the tongue. a great way to notice the flow/meter apart from counting the syllables is to read the poem out loud in your normal force, pretend you'd never seen the poem before. i like the concept and intent of the poem and think a minor edit could bring out a great write.

thanks for the read jim.(all jmho)

[waitingforgodet]

The next best award would be, is next needed?
ah, yes, what women have given me. is ah yes needed?
Accolades of love, sex and sensuality
imbued with varied scents and tonality.

But unlike notions of regret, is but needed?
it is best that I do not forgot, is that needed?
The key to their magic kingdoms aside,
They dwell in my heart wherever they reside.

And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy
but a real and tactile memory
indelibly placed by this species of femininity.

Indeed the next best award I’ll ever know
til the next owns my heart and doesn’t go. these two lines feel forced

for me the poem needs at least three solid images, 1 in each verse. while end rhymes can carry a poem. internal rhythm makes it lighter, easier to read. if possible use at least 3 poetic devices in a poem of this length.
you have end rhymes which is one. assonance and alliteration are the most commonly used. (jmo) imagery should be one of the most important along with meter. if possible try and get an internal rhythm going by using meter. not all lines have to have the same meter but rhyming poetry does work best with some kind of pattern to the meter.

for instance an 8887 syl verse is common. as is 87876 verse. what we want to establish is a flow, the way the words trip of the tongue. a great way to notice the flow/meter apart from counting the syllables is to read the poem out loud in your normal force, pretend you'd never seen the poem before. i like the concept and intent of the poem and think a minor edit could bring out a great write.

thanks for the read jim.(all jmho)

I like what you said, Billy. Thank you.