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I ponder on a pattern of picture I drew.
Flat landscape.
On flat grass shines flat morning dew.
Flat wind bends flat bushes, flat trees.
A flat stag, in alarm, scents
Flat new prints in a breath.
A lot of images - one dimension for all.
Whether you're shapeless, a square or a ball.
And flat sound from picture of a flat copper bell,
Said: you are here.
You are a flat square dog in this hell.
There's something I like here - or rather I see potential - but I'm not much good at critique. Keep going in this direction, defining shapes, etc. or don't keep going in this direction as you so choose. You know, I think it would be stronger without the rhyme. I don't mean rewrite it without the rhyme, but why not try without rhyme in the future? Or better yet why listen to me? I don't even listen to me! Ha ha!
Cheers!
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Hi!
It seems to me that this your comment is the best I have ever got!
Thanks!
R.Y.
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11 'flat' words add a lot of depth to this poem!
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the last verse turns the poem from a pleasant jaunt in
flatness to something more macabre.
with that last verse the poem became more that two dimensional.
thanks for the read.
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Hi!
MadA, Billy - thanks a lot!
Yep, I like this piece! Because too often I feel myself like that "flat square dog"! Ha-ha!
R.Y.
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I really like the concept of this poem, and with a few minor edits this could be brilliant. It's a bleak and cynical piece of verse which still retains a strange passion.
(02-08-2011, 06:37 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote: I ponder on a pattern of picture I drew. The syntax here doesn't quite make sense. Would "I ponder the pattern of a picture I drew" work better?
Flat landscape.
On flat grass shines flat morning dew. Great line.
Flat wind bends flat bushes, flat trees. Is the second "flat" needed?
A flat stag, in alarm, scents
Flat new prints in a breath.
A lot of images - one dimension for all.
Whether you're shapeless, a square or a ball.
And flat sound from picture of a flat copper bell, This line tripped me up a bit. Would it work better like this: "And the sound from a picture of a flat copper bell"?
Said: you are here.
You are a flat square dog in this hell. I f****** love this final line. The rhyme is exquisite, perfectly placed, and the image is unique, quietly terrifying.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
