Like The Surgeon's Knife

[waitingforgodet]

Yes, confined in my home.
But I am not alone.
My right, Mr. Thoreau.
Rebel at some cost, though.
Philosophical, wise,
Led us through nature’s eyes
toward redemption and hope.
The tree would help us cope.
My left, Albert Camus;
on my chest, John Keats too,
who wrote of love sublime.
Still yearned for in our time.
Camus showed our fall
through our human call
for lies and subterfuge
covered by modern rouge.
As I lie in my bed,
their words live in my head.
And like the surgeon’s knife
that saved my own short life.
The fate that might have been:
No poems and books from them.

[billy]

a nicely done unobtrusive piece of verse.
i like the way you use Camus (pronounced cameu)
to rime with too.

i like the idea of thoreau on the right and camus on left. for me on the chest is the right place for keats to be.
he seems to be the master of the heart. the right for the moralist author and left for novelist
if i have a nit it would be that a little prune would help in making what you have stand out.
of course it would have to be done as to not interfere with the rhyme scheme. it flows well and carries the rhyme scheme well.

my fave lines are;

Led us through nature’s eyes
toward redemption and hope.
The tree would help us cope.
My left, Albert Camus;
on my chest, John Keats too,
who wrote of love sublime.
Still yearned for in our time.

thanks for th eread as always.

[waitingforgodet]

Thanks, Billy. Yes, I have a nit with it myself, needing something more powerful. I think "heart" works better than chest, also, never realized it until you mentioned it: moralist on the right, novelist on the left, Keats over the heart, yes, it came out that way, but not intentional; sometimes things are less indiscriminate than we think--jim

[heslopian]

This is a beautiful poem. Not sure if this means anything, but I was listening to Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself as I read this and and in a weird way it synchs up. Don't worry, I'm not crazy I wish I could establish a rhyming piece as natural and moving as this; it's been so long since I tried proper form that I've somewhat lost my touch with it.

[waitingforgodet]

Thank you, Jack. I'm not completely satisfied with it yet--are we ever, though?--proper form, I think, is tough, but when we come close to it or at least think we're on the right track, I feel that it reads easiest. I got the idea for it while recuperating after surgery and reading poetry and books in bed; a Dylan Thomas poem about why he writes gave me the idea for counting syllables--thanks--jim

[addy]

Excellent and fascinating premise. An elegant and prim piece that doesn't need to show off much. Much like what the piece said, it cuts like a knife

[waitingforgodet]

Thank you, Addy. I think I've improved it, though. Will post revision today--jim

---

This is a beautiful poem. Not sure if this means anything, but I was listening to Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself as I read this and and in a weird way it synchs up. Don't worry, I'm not crazy I wish I could establish a rhyming piece as natural and moving as this; it's been so long since I tried proper form that I've somewhat lost my touch with it.

Jack, I just listened to Billy Idol's Dancing with myself. I do like the song, but don't understand what you mean regarding my poem. I've reworked the poem and will post the revision today--jim