Large Cappuccino

[billy]

The jungle sings
a million tones
pacifying concrete’s million
tints of grey

canopies that will
no longer shelter fern and frond
shout a singular defiant shade
to civilised Starbuck's coffee cups
sipped from;
alfresco at the corner of the mall

a pox and plague
of open wounds
fester by the asphalt scars
wallets lined
with high-rise smog
and leaves of paper green

the jungle sings
a million tones
concrete trumps the notes
with grey

[heslopian]

The jungle sings
a million tones Would a comma help the rhythm here? Also, would "notes" make more sense? That may just be me being ignorant though.
pacifying concrete’s million
tints of grey

canopies that will
no longer shelter fern and frond
shout a singular defiant shade Can you shout a shade? Again, this may just be my ignorance.
to civilised Starbuck's coffee cups
sipped from; In my opinion, punctuation in a poem should be all or nothing. One solitary mark looks shabby to me. Also, the syntax here seems slightly confused. Do you need the adjective "civilised," or the words "sipped from"? They sound a bit blunt and add too much (IMHO). And could you shorten "a singular" to "a sole"? I feel that might improve the rhythm.
alfresco at the corner of the mall

a pox and plague
of open wounds
fester by the asphalt scars Fantastic image.
wallets lined
with high-rise smog
and leaves of paper green Ditto.

the jungle sings
a million tones
concrete trumps the notes
with grey Like the idea of the closing refrain.

I love how this has a message, but doesn't pound it in like a horny freshman nailing his first prostitute. It has great imagery and unique ideas.

[billy]

The jungle sings
a million tones

a metaphor used to show that there is still some green canopy

shout a singular defiant shade Can you shout a shade? Again, this may just be my ignorance.

i think you can with a metaphore

In my opinion, punctuation in a poem should be all or nothing. One solitary mark looks shabby to me.

good point.

thanks for the feedback jack. i'll ponder your feedback when i do an edit.

[addy]

Great, vivid images... it engaged all my senses (metaphorically of course): sight, feel, smell, etc. The color green and grey left such a distinct impact in my psyche after reading. Nice work

[billy]

thanks for the kind words addy

[Ris Yerg]

Wonderful images and metaphors in this wonderful piece!
R.Y.