The Disused Canal;

[billy]

a graveyard for rusty bicycles
and missing shopping trolleys,
once crawled the urban sprawl.
Some lazy snake, its sandstone scaled belly flattened
tall grasses on spectacular sunny days.

I fished with bread for slabs of bream
and carp the size of dirigibles. Sipping cold tea
from a Stanley stainless steel Thermos was easy on sun-blistered lips
My arms ached like a mothers to hold one of those buggers
A big fat mirror carp with scales you could shave in
Seventeen pounds was small compared to some fabled
fishy tales that spoke of forty plus or more, caught with spider web
and dog meat. Hooked upon a number four; spade ended and barbless of course
Aside from metal corpses, all it holds now are fishy figments of better days
and cold tea sipped from a Stanley stainless steel Thermos
that was easy on the lips.

[waitingforgodet]

The disused canal:

You've got great images here that convey a sense of loss and decay. These images stay fixed in the reader's mind. Some of the lines are wonderful--my arms ached like a mother's to hold one of those buggers--a graveyard for rusty bicycles and missing shopping trolleys--these are my favorite lines. I would take out, "once crawled the urban sprawl and replace it with another image, like discarded clothing or shoes or a big cardboard box that once embraced a refrigerator, something like that, anyway. Also, I would do this piece in a rhyme scheme. And add a few more living images like the snake or birds too.

I'm not quite sure of the Stanley stainless steel thermos that was easy on the lips--you mention it twice.

So, if the intent, the premise of the piece is to remember a once great place and juxtapose it with the bleak reality it is today, then I would add a few more things that would show us what it was like, crowds of people fishing on a sunny day, voices, children laughing--some guy selling ice cream. Just my idea here if that was part of your intent. Or perhaps add more fish stories. As the piece stands now, I'm not sure what I would classify it as--maybe it is not necessary to classify it as anything, but I do not think I would call it a poem. Would love to hear your thoughts on my comments--jim

[billy]

thanks for the feedback

i'm not that into rhyming poetry jim. i think you have a valid point that it could have more stanza
and maybe the stanely though the reiteration was intended as it was the thing most remembered.
your opinion of whether it's a poem or not is something i can't really comment on as it is your opinion.
i accept that it's your opinion and gratefully accept it's honesty.

[waitingforgodet]

Regarding a rhyme scheme or not: Sometimes, Billy, it is good to attempt something that you're not into, because by doing it, say in the Disused Canal, what happens is that the exercise offers you an added flexibility and arsenal, so to speak, that otherwise you wouldn't think of, and more importantly, it allows the poet to grow hugely. What's interesting about it too is that sometimes the entire (but not always) premise of the poem changes, whether good or bad, better or worse or simply different emerges when you do it--jim

[billy]

Regarding a rhyme scheme or not: Sometimes, Billy, it is good to attempt something that you're not into, because by doing it, say in the Disused Canal, what happens is that the exercise offers you an added flexibility and arsenal, so to speak, that otherwise you wouldn't think of, and more importantly, it allows the poet to grow hugely. What's interesting about it too is that sometimes the entire (but not always) premise of the poem changes, whether good or bad, better or worse or simply different emerges when you do it--jim

when i started writing poetry a lot of what i did was rhyme. after a while i just moved to free verse
i do always try and use at least two or three poetic devices when i write and sometimes i do use end rhyme as opposed to internal rhyme. here's one
we do have a poetry practice forum where people can can put forward an exercise.
being someone who tries to answer every post in the poetry section means i'd take part should you pose an exercise there

[waitingforgodet]

Regarding a rhyme scheme or not: Sometimes, Billy, it is good to attempt something that you're not into, because by doing it, say in the Disused Canal, what happens is that the exercise offers you an added flexibility and arsenal, so to speak, that otherwise you wouldn't think of, and more importantly, it allows the poet to grow hugely. What's interesting about it too is that sometimes the entire (but not always) premise of the poem changes, whether good or bad, better or worse or simply different emerges when you do it--jim

when i started writing poetry a lot of what i did was rhyme. after a while i just moved to free verse
i do always try and use at least two or three poetic devices when i
write and sometimes i do use end rhyme as opposed to internal rhyme.

Billy, I can't think of any exercises for their own sake. I can only suggest them when I see the possiblitity within an existing work. But Thank you.

jim




here's one
we do have a poetry practice forum where people can can put forward an exercise.
being someone who tries to answer every post in the poetry section means i'd take part should you pose an exercise there