The Coat

[Lawrence]

After work, he always sits
By his kitchen window.

Outside, It’s winter. The sun
Sinks into a hammock
Of oaks and rusted fire;
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace

He smiles.
To him, it’s satisfaction.

Minutes later, blackness.
Below, streetlights direct ghosts-
Their green-yellow-reds
Now meaningless; the language
Of a vanished race.

He collects his coat
and steps out into the city.
It’s not too cold, so tonight
He’ll walk as far as the park.
He looks upward; the moon
Is a broken monocle
Glowing with sagacious light.
It’s odd. Weeks ago, it was Christmas-
Wires woven onto windows,
Bulbs illuminating snow-
It almost makes you forget
That the moon exists at all.

The park is a white carpet
Crowded with fern trees.
Even late at night,
It’s the only place
That escapes the city.
No man is an island,
But cities, cities leave you landlocked.

He sits on the bench, thinks
Of the sun. Happy-
That there’s nothing here for him.


He loves nothing; inhabits it
The way a rattlesnake
Cools beneath stone.
Sometimes, he lays in bed;
Pretends he is ascending
Floating higher and higher
Until he becomes a star-
Invisible to even God.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

I read this poem and I like it. I won't go through a detailed line-by-line but one thing struck me as problematic (could of course just be me). Here it is:

Outside, It’s winter. The sun
Sinks into a hammock
Of oaks and rusted fire;
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace


This is really cool writing. I absolutely love of oaks and rusted fire. I also like what your doing with the entire hammock metaphor. Here's my small issue, I think you need to consider replacing alive in L4 with awake. You can still use death in the following lines but I think you need to carry the idea of your metaphor through to its conclusion. I found the shift as you have it a little jarring and frankly needless.

Just my take.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

(please try and put them o the same page to save us work, and tell us it's an edit; take a look at how todd did his last edit, thanks)

---

let look at the edit:

It’s winter. The sun better and direct

It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace while i did love the nail thing you had going on, this for me is a more solid simile and woks better than the nail metaphor.

He smiles.
To him, it’s satisfaction. i'm on the fence with this part, leaning towards the fact it does add something,


He collects his coat
and steps out into the city.
It’s not too cold, so tonight
He’ll walk as far as the park.
He looks upward; the moon
Is a broken monocle
Glowing with sagacious light.
It’s odd. Weeks ago, it was Christmas-
Wires woven onto windows,
Bulbs illuminating snow-
It almost makes you forget
That the moon exists at all. 'is at' all needed?

this extension of the original verse works well it ties in with the title. and gives more depth and lends character to the he and the coat.

The park is a white carpet
Crowded with fern trees.
Even late at night,
It’s the only place
That escapes the city.
No man is an island, [for me this line is way too cliché (frank drebban could be speaking it)]
But cities, cities leave you landlocked.

apart from the cliché i found this a worthy addition. again it adds content and depth to and for the coat in the title. plus it's a good verse.

He sits on the bench, thinks
Of the sun. Happy-
That there’s nothing here for him.
with these three line i get the feeling the guy is a free spirit. no sense of depression or disturbed emotions. for me it shows someone whose at peace with himself

---

for me this is a far better poem with the edit. the title change makes it work much better as do the additions to the piece. and excellent edit [jmo]

[Lawrence]

Thanks you guys! I think I'm going to make a series out of this....I already have a story, and have posted the second part.
You've all been so instrumental in my development as a writer. Cheers!