Yesterday’s snow sits frozen on my sidewalk
Embracing the fossils of yesterday.
Yesterday, autumn reclaimed the sky for awhile,
And clouds wept themselves like oak trees, yesterday.
Yesterday, before rain and its erasers craft came
And tried to wash away the wine-glasses and footprints of yesterday.
Yesterday, when I felt flint strike steel and the comfort of a closing-
Heard the book slam shut upon itself, yesterday.
Yesterday shall sit like a hand-print sunken into sand
And I will not welcome anything else.
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(01-02-2011, 04:16 PM)Lawrence Wrote: Yesterday’s snow sits frozen on my sidewalk
Embracing the fossils of yesterday.
Yesterday, autumn reclaimed the sky for awhile,
And clouds wept themselves like oak trees, yesterday. [i struggle to understand the metaphore or simile, though perversely enough i love the line]
Yesterday, before rain and its erasers craft came [eraser's]
And tried to wash away the wine-glasses and footprints of yesterday.
Yesterday, when I felt flint strike steel and the comfort of a closing-
Heard the book slam shut upon itself, yesterday.
Yesterday shall sit like a hand-print sunken into sand
And I will not welcome anything else. [a grand line]
it feels like the writer is glad to be out of the old year and into the new one. i'm not keen on reiteration in poetry but the way you use yesterday works well for me.
the first along with the last two couplets i felt were particularly good though i did stumble on the 2nd one.
as always thanks for the read lawrence
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Hi Lawrence,
Some great lines here! This may just be my preference (probably is) and it doesn't mean that there's a flaw in the poem by going another way, but I think I only like the repetition of yesterday in the first couplet. It works very well with fossils. That aside, a few comments below:
(01-02-2011, 04:16 PM)Lawrence Wrote: Yesterday’s snow sits frozen on my sidewalk
Embracing the fossils of yesterday.--love this. It works visually. Snow sits frozen is very cool. The only call out is do you need MY? The might make it a more universal observation.
Yesterday, autumn reclaimed the sky for awhile,
And clouds wept themselves like oak trees, yesterday.--just a thought: I'm not sure what for awhile buys you (yes I know it refers to winter winning the battle) but what about cutting "for awhile" and pulling up "and clouds" adding the necessary punctuation and breaking there--it might be stronger. Again just a thought up to you of course.
Yesterday, before rain and its erasers craft came--nice idea but the line feels awkward to me
And tried to wash away the wine-glasses and footprints of yesterday.--I like this
Yesterday, when I felt flint strike steel and the comfort of a closing---couple things: I don't know if you need "when I felt" if you pull it you would probably need to change strike to struck. I wasn't following and the comfort of a closing
Heard the book slam shut upon itself, yesterday.--like this
Yesterday shall sit like a hand-print sunken into sand
And I will not welcome anything else.--fantastic ending
I very much liked this Lawrence. Its a well crafted poem. My issues may for the most part be style choices.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(01-02-2011, 04:16 PM)Lawrence Wrote: Yesterday’s snow sits frozen on my sidewalk
Embracing the fossils of yesterday. Perfect. Melancholy and strong.
Yesterday, autumn reclaimed the sky for awhile,
And clouds wept themselves like oak trees, yesterday. I don't quite understand the phrase "wept themselves." What does that mean? Would it work better like this: "And clouds wept rain like oak trees shed leaves, yesterday"?
Yesterday, before rain and its erasers craft came Why is the word "craft" in there?
And tried to wash away the wine-glasses and footprints of yesterday. Are the "wine-glasses" really needed? Also, this may be just a personal thing, but I think I would have written footfalls instead of "footprints."
Yesterday, when I felt flint strike steel and the comfort of a closing- The syntax feels rather awkward here. What's closing? I think it might be easier to read if you ended that first line with a full stop instead of a dash. Then the reader would be sure that the sentence is over.
Heard the book slam shut upon itself, yesterday.
Yesterday shall sit like a hand-print sunken into sand
And I will not welcome anything else. Perfect. Again, melancholy and strong. Gives satisfying closure to the piece.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
