A Poem For My Private Parts

[heslopian]

I have exploded again.
Leaking fluids, I stifle a scream,
as my skull hits the headboard
and my fingers become lost
in a forest of pubic hair,
beset by this useless teenage seed
I was warned against using on comely lasses.

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom,
after school has finished. I never reach it.
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance.

Now falling backwards,
blue walls like receptionists
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way.
The pale morning sunshine slices
my face like a rusted car bonnet.
I've bled the dream out through my genitals.
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,
choking me with its grey realism,
its lack of come and purple thoughts.

[billy]

I have exploded again.
Leaking my fluids, I stifle a scream,
as my skull hits the headboard [this line is my fave for some odd reason]
and my fingers become lost [i hope you mean metaphorically ]
in the forest of my pubic hair,
beset by the useless teenage seed
I was warned against using on comely lasses.

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light [for me it's not original and needs a modifyer to lift it]
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom,
after school has finished. I never reach it.
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance. [this verse for me is a poem in it's own right/write, excellent]

And now the falling backwards.
The blue walls like receptionists
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way. [a curisor 4 lines but i like them]
The pale morning sunshine slices
my face like a shaving razor. [is there any other kind.]
I've bled the dream out through my genitals. [i love this line which on 2nd thought is also my fave]
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,
choking me with its grey realism, [would the 'my father' quote work best after realism?]
its lack of come and purple thoughts.

quite an episode. unlike the watered up oransms in many poems this one has a tint of the sad sublime with a hint of a smile (the one line 3 gave me,) i felt the poem on the whole a good one the 2nd stanza for me stood apart and could as i previously said been a really good poem in it's own standing. jmo

thanks for the read jack. as busy as hell at the moment but will post more on monday .

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback, Billy I put "shaving" in as a way of lengthening the line, but yes, I see what you mean, it is unecessary, and I'll remove it once I've finished this.
Concerning the "point of light" line, do you think I should describe it more, go into detail about what the light is? Would that make it less cliche?
And yes, the fingers getting lost line was metaphorical. The character's bush isn't that plentiful

[billy]

yeah i think a good modifyier before razor could make it original.
and i think the same could happen with the point of light.

as in. point of pubescent light

though i'm not say ing use it unless you wish to. just slip a word in after point of, that fits in with your theme.

[cigarbabe]

Me likey!
C.B.[Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0003.gif]

[heslopian]

Thank you, cigarbabe

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Perhaps a subject we should all write about.

Comments in the lines:

I have exploded again. --great opening given the title
Leaking my fluids, I stifle a scream,--at every point that I can have you delete a "my" I'd like you to. Some lines you absolutely need them this one you could cut.
as my skull hits the headboard
and my fingers become lost--maybe cut my again here.
in the forest of my pubic hair,--and again maybe cut my
beset by the useless teenage seed--just an opinion but maybe substitute the with this. Good line. Useless teenage seed is great
I was warned against using on comely lasses.

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom,
after school has finished. I never reach it.
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance.--this entire part just takes off for me and while I can see some possible cuts they would be mostly style choices and the lines work well as they are. I love your repetition

And now the falling backwards.--this period feels wrong here. I also want to cut the "the" but that could just be me
The blue walls like receptionists--This is really cool
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way.
The pale morning sunshine slices--like this line. It seems to imply that what is done in darkness isn't what hurts it's the realization after. It's a nice image
my face like a razor.--plays well on the previous line break. I like this
I've bled the dream out through my genitals.
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,--there's something wasted about these two lines (spent). They are very good
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,--Might just be a preference but I'd prefer to cut this and go straight to the next line
choking me with its grey realism,
its lack of come and purple thoughts.--love the final two lines

Effective and strong Jack. Great work here.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd. Recently I've been trying to practice more economy of words, so I'll go back and remove those unecessary bits, though I think I'll keep the "my" before "fingers." Without it, to me, it just doesn't seem right.

[cigarbabe]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd. Recently I've been trying to practice more economy of words, so I'll go back and remove those unecessary bits, though I think I'll keep the "my" before "fingers." Without it, to me, it just doesn't seem right.

Hi Jack,

Perhaps a subject we should all write about.

Comments in the lines:

I have exploded again. --great opening given the title
Leaking my fluids, I stifle a scream,--at every point that I can have you delete a "my" I'd like you to. Some lines you absolutely need them this one you could cut.
as my skull hits the headboard
and my fingers become lost--maybe cut my again here.
in the forest of my pubic hair,--and again maybe cut my
beset by the useless teenage seed--just an opinion but maybe substitute the with this. Good line. Useless teenage seed is great
I was warned against using on comely lasses.

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom,
after school has finished. I never reach it.
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance.--this entire part just takes off for me and while I can see some possible cuts they would be mostly style choices and the lines work well as they are. I love your repetition

And now the falling backwards.--this period feels wrong here. I also want to cut the "the" but that could just be me
The blue walls like receptionists--This is really cool
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way.
The pale morning sunshine slices--like this line. It seems to imply that what is done in darkness isn't what hurts it's the realization after. It's a nice image
my face like a razor.--plays well on the previous line break. I like this
I've bled the dream out through my genitals.
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,--there's something wasted about these two lines (spent). They are very good
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,--Might just be a preference but I'd prefer to cut this and go straight to the next line
choking me with its grey realism,
its lack of come and purple thoughts.--love the final two lines

Effective and strong Jack. Great work here.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd. Recently I've been trying to practice more economy of words, so I'll go back and remove those unecessary bits, though I think I'll keep the "my" before "fingers." Without it, to me, it just doesn't seem right.

I was going to say to Jack that,if he removes the my from these lines, "my fingers" and "my pubic hair", who's fingers and hair would he be talking about?
It wouldn't make any sense to me as a reader of the poem which, I adore!
Just my2 cents! [Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0010.gif]
C.B.

[heslopian]

I was going to say to Jack that,if he removes the my from these lines, "my fingers" and "my pubic hair", who's fingers and hair would he be talking about?
It wouldn't make any sense to me as a reader of the poem which, I adore!
Just my2 cents! [Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0010.gif]
C.B.

That's sort of why I didn't want to remove the "my" before "fingers."

[cigarbabe]

I was going to say to Jack that,if he removes the my from these lines, "my fingers" and "my pubic hair", who's fingers and hair would he be talking about?
It wouldn't make any sense to me as a reader of the poem which, I adore!
Just my2 cents! [Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0010.gif]
C.B.

That's sort of why I didn't want to remove the "my" before "fingers."

Makes perfect sense to me Heslopian!
I'd love to read some more of your poetry if you'd let me?
C.B.[Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0003.gif]

[Todd]

Remove them or keep them Jack: Obviously your call. The reason that I don't feel that there is this ambiguity toward subject is because the poem is called: A poem for MY private parts. I think that points to who the pubic hair and the fingers belong to. Again, it is purely an opinion and editing and the final result is a very personal choice. Whatever you choose like I said earlier it's good work.

[billy]

if we're all gonna pitch in, i have to say. heed the title;

often specially to todd whose good at making use of the title i can go astary with a poem because i don't read the title.
if we think about it, the title IS the first line of a poem. it's the first thing we (should) read of the poem. so on this one i already knew it was you and your privates jmo. as todd says though and as you know yourself. the choice to change or not always resides with the writer.

feels a little like n us and them scenario doesn't it well, this happens when we address another persons comment.

CB if you were going to say to jack .... then say it to jack and not to someone else. after all it's their opinion. it's what they feel. there is no right or wrong even if it's right or wrong. and todd or me or anyone else will still see your opinion. (i'm not shouting at you so don't bitch slap me please )

the reason i've done this post is because all too often i've seen people in poetry groups take sides as to what is and isn't right about a poem. it why we comment on the poem and not another persons comment. (hope i have'nt offended anyone)

[heslopian]

Thanks for all your comments guys. I hadn't really thought about the title before, and how it might render allusion to narrative voice unnecessary, but I see what you mean. I'd still rather keep "my fingers" though; for me it just makes me more sense.

CB - Of course I'll let you! Just look for my name on the poem forums.

[Lawrence]

I have exploded again.
Leaking fluids, I stifle a scream,
as my skull hits the headboard (Great use of sound!)
and my fingers become lost (The reiteration of "my" sounds awkward to me)
in a forest of pubic hair,
beset by this useless teenage seed
I was warned against using on comely lasses. (Sounds a bit awkward. Maybe a bit of a run on?)

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom, (Beautiful)
after school has finished. I never reach it. (Wow! That was startling...After school has finished. Great enjambment)
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance.

And now falling backwards, (Is "and" needed?)
The blue walls like receptionists (Is "the" needed?)
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way. ("send you on your way" You're much more original than that, Jack!)
The pale morning sunshine slices
my face like a razor. (So-So metaphor.)
I've bled the dream out through my genitals. (Again, you're adept at dark imagery.)
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,
choking me with its grey realism,
its lack of come and purple thoughts.(Awesome and chilling ending)

Naturally an enjoyable read. I read it out loud, and unless indicated, most sections had a nice rhythm with a great use of sound! You remain one of the only teenagers I know that can write good, dark poetry about such things.

[heslopian]

Thank you very much for your kind words and feedback, Lawrence. I will use your suggestions once I've finished this. As for the "send you on your way" line, that's an example of me being functional rather than poetic. I like seeing such phrases as the nuts and bolts of a poem, keeping the better elements aloft and tying them together. Still, I take your point, and will definitely consider how I can change it.
Thank you again for your very kind words

---

EDIT: I've changed the razor simile you mentioned to "rusted car bonnet." Is that any good?

[billy]

hehe i like it (the car bonnet thing )

[kath3]

First of all great poem ... I really enjoyed it.
I agree with Todd about the over usage of "my".

I have exploded again. You've identified yourself
Leaking fluids, I stifle a scream,
as my skull hits the headboard it's your skull
and my fingers become lost must be your fingers also
in a forest of pubic hair,
beset by this useless teenage seed
I was warned against using on comely lasses

Favorite lines ...
I have exploded again.
Leaking fluids I scream.
beset by this useless teenage seed
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance
I've bled the dream out through my genitals

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind praise and feedback, kath3