First Kiss (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision 2

You smelled like imitation perfume
sold in gas stations—
plastic gardenias.
A too-tight, too-pink
sweater sliding up;
hands careless, the rough
taste of cranberries,

starving crows plucking
pieces from an apple.

We pretended to play chess,
as he came in to watch us
make move after move.

~~~

When I was commenting on Jack's Love Poem I'd made a comment that I liked starting and ending if possible with the strongest lines. It made me think of a poem I wrote 15 years ago (I did polish it up about 4-5 years ago). I decided to dust it off and take my own advice. I'm not sure if this works, if it's too drastic and I don't know how I feel about the poem in general. I will include an original beneath the revision even though no one on this site has seen either before. We'd talked about posting our early bad stuff--here's one of mine. Please let me know your thoughts (I'm never sure what early stuff should survive and what should just sit in the folder forever). Oh, and minor edit note: I originally had the UK smelt in the poem I switched it to the US smelled.

First Kiss (Revision)

You smelled like imitation
perfume sold in gas stations—
plastic gardenias.
A too-tight, too-pink
sweater sliding up.
Hands careless, searching,
face rising—a terrible moon.
taste of cranberries—rougher
than I’d imagined.
You were like a starving crow
plucking pieces from an apple.

A knock, muffled words

pretending to play chess
as he came in to watch
us make move
after move.

__________________________________
First Kiss (Original)

We were talking
like all the other times:
class was stupid,
your middle name,
Joy, first dog,
a corgi.
I wasn’t prepared.
Face close
filling my vision,
a terrible moon.
Wasn’t told.
Hands shaking
looking for somewhere
to hide, drawn to your side
then the back
of your neck, carelessly
searching.
You smelt like imitation perfume
sold in gas stations,
plastic gardenias.
Your too-tight sweater
pink sliding up.
Veered to the right
barely missing
your nose, breathless…
air caught in my throat.
Falling into the taste
cranberries
the feel leather,
rougher than I’d imagined.
You moved
with urgency, starving—a crow plucking
pieces from an apple.
Pecking away. Your last meal.

a knock…

muffled words
face flushed
pretending
to play chess
as he came in to watch us
make
move
after
move.

[billy]

First Kiss (Revision)

You smelled like imitation
perfume sold in gas stations—
plastic gardenias.
A too-tight, too-pink
sweater sliding up. [a great extended image]
Hands careless, searching,
face rising—a terrible moon.
taste of cranberries—rougher
than I’d imagined.
You were like a starving crow [is 'like' needed?]
plucking pieces from an apple. [great two lines]

A knock, muffled words

pretending to play chess
as he came in to watch
us make move
after move.

first off; for me there are way too many - (minus signs)
and second; a terrible moon. i'm struggling to comprehend it. (though it could just be my stupidity hehe)
the revision is much better in too many ways to mention. the main one being it's a much tighter write. the enjambment in the last verse feels a little off for me.

well worth the read. thanks todd.

[Todd]

Yeah Billy I see what you mean about the enjambment and I agree with you on converting the crow simile to metaphor. Thank you.

I'll make some changes on revision.

Best,

Todd

---

I made some revisions from Billy's comments.

[billy]

i think it's nailed. for me it's really tight.
i think you made a brave edit, and i think it was successful

[addy]

Great edit, you were able to pack it tight with palpable tension. Loved this.

[digna_sofia]

I rather like the way you phrased the whole situation and the way you arranged each line. The flow was just right.

[Lawrence]

Overall a great piece.

I stumble on lines 8-9. Other than that, I can't really see an issue.
Great as always!

[Todd]

Hi All,

Billy: Thank you. I appreciate the feedback especially on edits for poems this old.

Addy: Thank you for the look. Again the feedback is very helpful to know you're moving in the right direction.

Digna Sofia: Thank you. I'm glad the flow worked for you. It's nice to make your acquaintance. Appreciate your comments.

Lawrence: Thank you. I'll give some thought to lines 8-9. Always appreciated.

I'm going to have to look at more of this "is any of the old stuff salvageable with a face life. I hadn't thought to go back into the old files.

Again thank you all,

Todd

[billy]

it's a repository that will hopefully continue to grow.

if an edit gets a poem to the top again i'll always reply to it.