Flavored Kiss

[tidalnymph]

I let my fingers
chase you down
as you slither
effortlessly
from the tip
of my tongue
down to my throat
all the way
to my belly

I try not to
scream
as you wander
inside of me,
teasing my senses
making me
burn
at the same time
chill

Strong
and dark
bitter-sweet
flavored kiss
you got my
lipstick smeared
but my heart
is wildly tangled
to this hazy bliss

So I let you
linger further
my hands
are shaking
my heart
is beating fast
but i know
this love affair
couldn't last

So I just inhale
where you lay
one last time
and lick what's
left of you
and smile...

" I cant believe,
I got lost again
to a cup of coffee!"

[billy]

I let my fingers
chase you down
as you slither
effortlessly
from the tip
of my tongue
down to my throat [is there a need for 'to']
all the way [is this line needed?]
to my belly

I try not to
scream
as you wander
inside of me,
teasing my senses
making me
burn
at the same time
chill

great verse, wouldn't change a thing in it.

Strong
and dark
bitter-sweet
flavored kiss [if kiss goes on the above line would flavoured be needed?]
you got my
lipstick smeared
but my heart [would and work better than 'but]
is wildly tangled
to this hazy bliss

So I let you
linger further
my hands
are shaking
my heart
is beating fast
but i know [is 'but needed?]
this love affair
couldn't last

So I just inhale
where you lay
one last time
and lick what's
left of you
and smile...

" I cant believe,
I got lost again
to a cup of coffee!"

nice twist.

i want to give you my coffee

i like the twist at the end kass. a few small nits i posted in the body of the poem but nothing hard and fast.
all in all a delightful meander into the art of seduction by java.

thanks for the read

[tidalnymph]

Thanks, I appreciate it billy, but i'm following a certain tune in my head when i wrote it,that's why i still need to think about your suggestions... Thanks alot though!

[billy]

no prob's kass,

[tidalnymph]

hey billy, I'm having a fun time here... thanks a lot for suggesting this site to me

[Todd]

Hi Tidalnymph,

This is a fun poem with a surprising payoff at the end. I enjoyed this. Here are suggestions to consider which mostly are to intensify the surprise.

I let my fingers
chase you down
as you slither
effortlessly
from the tip
of my tongue
down to my throat
all the way
to my belly--all the way to my belly may be giving away to much. It's a judgment call and while there's nothing inherently wrong with the lines you may want to consider cutting them so as not to give away too much too early.

I try not to--normally I don't like breaks on prepositions but this works well because it's a complete thought that gets enhanced when you get to scream. It isn't choppy.
scream
as you wander
inside of me,
teasing my senses
making me
burn
at the same time
chill

Strong
and dark
bitter-sweet
flavored kiss--I wonder if you need flavored here since it's in your title
you got my
lipstick smeared
but my heart
is wildly tangled
to this hazy bliss--I like these last few lines here

So I let you--great line break
linger further--do you need further? Linger might give you the same thing on it's own.
my hands
are shaking
my heart
is beating fast
but i know
this love affair
couldn't last--can't may fit your rhythm better

So I just inhale--Do you need just?
where you lay--you might cut this line and not loose anything
one last time
and lick what's
left of you
and smile...

" I cant believe,
I got lost again
to a cup of coffee!"--you may want to lose the quotes and just go with italics.

Okay so this was a fun good poem. I hope the suggestions will give you options to think about whether you use them or not.

Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd[/b]

[LiteraryAntiquity]

I like the way you jump-space, mainly because as I was reading, for the second time, I thought about the words going down my throat. If they had've been long sentences it would have been one hard word-drink to swallow. My favourite piece has to be the last because we all love a good twist. At first I was preparing myself for a very dark, witty poem but you brought it right down to the sick, obsessed, teenage first-kiss character I had in my head to a light, fun coffee-addict. How very cool of you!