Thoughts Whilst Sitting in a Park

[heslopian]

For Susie, who'd never had a poem draft read to her before

"Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose garden." - T. S. Eliot, Burnt Norton

I
walking through the littered park
among brown leaves and old coke cans,
strolling down stone paths until:
I reach a bench with awesome view
of the wall and pond ahead.

here I sat as a child
(dad not seeing the sheer drop behind)
and there my mother took my hand
as said pond we strolled beside.

now as autumn strips the trees
like a brute rapist,
my fingers swell in its harsh breeze
and I write this simple verse.

II
The sound of teenage merriment
shortens my breath; I grasp for air:
a group of young Asian students
torment a squirrel near to me.
Why does their foreignness ease me?

Why if I'd seen our nation's flag
imprinted on their hearts, their hands,
their bright gestures and choice of dress,
would I have shuffled off just then?

[Lawrence]

Professor might get pissed, so I'm going to give this a brief overview and then I'll return to it later tonight and give the full enchilada

Stanza one has amazing enjambment.
A regal view of the wall? If that's intentional, bravo.

The last line of stanza two seems clumsy to me

Soul doesn't work too well for me.

Good rapist comparison.

Love the last stanza.

Be back with a full review in a few..

[billy]

For Susie, who'd never had a poem draft read to her before

"Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose garden." - T. S. Eliot, Burnt Norton

I
walking through the littered park
among brown leaves and old coke cans,
strolling down stone paths until:
I reach a bench with regal view
of the wall and duck pond ahead.

here I sat as a child
(dad not seeing the sheer drop behind)
and there my mother took my hand
as said pond we strolled alongside. (alongside feels like it has one syl to many would a two syl word work better?)

now as autumn strips the trees
like a brute rapist,
my fingers swell in its harsh breeze
and I write this simple verse. ( so you're at the park, the winds howling (okay it's just a harsh breeze) and your fingers are thick from the cold: and you decide to write a poem there? : for me this line feels a little too poetical)

II
The sound of teenage merriment
shortens my breath, makes my soul wince: (soul wince feels a little to poetical)
a group of young Asian students
torment a squirrel near to me.
Why does their foreigness ease me? (two n's)

Why if I'd seen our nation's flag
imprinted on their hearts, their hands,
their bright gestures and choice of dress,
would I have shuffled off just then? the past tense of this one throws me a little.

a fine write jack not sure the word regal worked for me though i see the irony of it. (i think thats just me though.) some good strong images.
thanks for the read jack

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Lawrence

Stanza one has amazing enjambment.
A regal view of the wall? If that's intentional, bravo.

Thank you, Lawrence. That first stanza was composed a day after the rest of the piece, so I worried that it might seem sloppy. Thanks for assuaging my fears. By "regal," I meant that, as I surveyed the wall ahead, received this panoramic view, I felt like a king presiding over his land. I don't like the word, however, as the syllables, I think, are too short, hence my subsequent edit.

The last line of stanza two seems clumsy to me

I agree, but for the life of me I can't think how to change it.

Soul doesn't work too well for me.

What about "eye twitch" instead?

Be back with a full review in a few..

I look forward to reading it.

---

Thanks for the feedback, Billy

( so you're at the park, the winds howling (okay it's just a harsh breeze) and your fingers are thick from the cold: and you decide to write a poem there? : for me this line feels a little too poetical)

What exactly do you mean by "too poetical"? As in too florid and baroque, with too much pretension, perhaps? I don't know why I decided to write a poem there either, but hey, shit happens haha. I simply described what I was doing because I'd run out of ideas, and thought it might be seen as "deep." I think I know what you mean by "too poetical" now.

(alongside feels like it has one syl to many would a two syl word work better?)

I think I'll change that to "beside." I had trouble assertaining the rhythm myself, so thanks for calling my attention to it.

(soul wince feels a little to poetical)

What about "eye twitch" instead?

(two n's)

Thanks for the heads up on the spelling mistake; I'll change that once I've finished this.

not sure the word regal worked for me

Not sure I liked "regal" either. I think I might change it to "awesome," as the longer syllables would improve the flow.

[billy]

besides works for me.

i like eye twitch better than soul wince. how about something
along the lines of "sit up straight." a movement as though you were startled.
an eye twitch does it but still lacks something.

[heslopian]

besides works for me.

i like eye twitch better than soul wince. how about something
along the lines of "sit up straight." a movement as though you were startled.
an eye twitch does it but still lacks something.

The second half of the line needs four syllables, leaving me only one to make the transition into "sit up straight," which isn't enough. How about: "shortens my breath; I clench my fist," or "shortens my breath; I grasp for air"?

[billy]

yeah something that shows you were taken by suprise without the use of the soul word.