Talking until the room fills

[Lawrence]

This poem annoys me to know end.
I spent awhile on it and it's giving me lots of trouble.
Advice is needed, thank you.

We sat so long in the empty cafe,
There in the webs of our conversation,
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees,
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,
That soon, it became dawn, and the heavy doors swung open,
And memories from both sides came pouring in,
Like the opening of a mall complex,
Filling the tables with fresh patrons,
With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire,
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on,
Some with teacup poodles in their purses.

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffee
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room
Though we noticed nothing but each other.

I think back to what my grandmother said
That someone is a conversationalist
If you know you could stay sane as Eskimos with them.
I smile, as I picture us alone in an igloo,
With a circle sawed into the ice,
Laughing at the thought of fire,
Neglecting the nibbles on our fishing lines.

[billy]

This poem annoys me to know end.
I spent awhile on it and it's giving me lots of trouble.
Advice is needed, thank you.

We sat so long in the empty cafe,
There in the webs of our conversation, would we work better?
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees, leaves
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,
That soon, it became dawn, and the heavy doors swung open,
And memories from both sides came pouring in,
Like the opening of a mall complex, complex feels redundant opening sale of a mall perhaps
Filling the tables with fresh patrons,
With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire, grandfathers
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on, carrying on feels a little weak
Some with teacup poodles in their purses. some what? use an image

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe another word for cafe to keep it sharp
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffeearoma of coffee beans maybe
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room is then needed?
Though we noticed nothing but each other. is though needed?

I think back to what my grandmother said
That someone is a conversationalist
If you know you could stay sane as Eskimos with them.
I smile, as I picture us alone in an igloo,
With a circle sawed into the ice,
Laughing at the thought of fire,
Neglecting the nibbles on our fishing lines.

another good write from you
i enjoyed the
too many good line to mention. but i may as well;

There in the webs of our conversation,
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees,
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,

With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire,
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on,
Some with teacup poodles in their purses.

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffee
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room
Though we noticed nothing but each other.

the last stanza worked well for me. a good narrative poem that reads well. all the suggestions are jmo.

thanks for the read lawrance.

[heslopian]

A good narrative poem with some very strong lines, some great images and a tender syntax.

We sat so long in the empty cafe,
There in the webs of our conversation,
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan, Like the rhyme of "conversation" and "Michigan".
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees, Is "dropped and" needed? How about just "died whilst raking levees"?
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,
That soon, it became dawn, and the heavy doors swung open, Would "that it soon became dawn and the doors swung open" work better? The sentence, as it is, seems slightly too elongated.
And memories from both sides came pouring in,
Like the opening of a mall complex,
Filling the tables with fresh patrons, Love this simile.
With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire, As, in this context, "grandfathers" is plural, it shouldn't have an apostrophe.
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on,
Some with teacup poodles in their purses. I like the phrase "teacup poodles," but I'm not sure these two lines are really needed. I think they make the simile go on for too long.

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffee
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room
Though we noticed nothing but each other.

Is the first sentence necessary? For me it just re-iterates what we already know. Would shortening the second line to "the scents of cologne and coffee flirted," removing "that was ever" in the third, changing "in that room" to "here" in the fourth, and "nothing but" to "only" in the last, so that it looks like how I've put it below, help the rhythm at all? Again, your sentences are great, but you bludgeon them a bit with excessive lyricism; I'd recommend you be more concise. That's a major fault of mine, and one I'm still struggling to overcome.

The scents of cologne and coffee flirted,
And everything alive in us
Was then alive and present here
Though we noticed only each other.

I think back to what my grandmother said
That someone is a conversationalist
If you know you could stay sane as Eskimos with them.
I smile, as I picture us alone in an igloo,
With a circle sawed into the ice,
Laughing at the thought of fire,
Neglecting the nibbles on our fishing lines.

Excellent last verse. The Eskimo comparison is simply divine; haunting yet funny and romantic yet strange.

Thanks for the read, Lawrence

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

I can see why this one might annoy you. From my own reads I'm not sure what its fully trying to tell me. It may need to focused and cut a little more. Take these cut suggestions as only my opinion because I'm not sure if I'm going to suggest you remove something crucial. If I do please ignore. Here goes:

This poem annoys me to know end.
I spent awhile on it and it's giving me lots of trouble.
Advice is needed, thank you.

We sat so long in the empty cafe,
--That's a pretty static line to open up on. While there is a narrative in the poem I think you need to grab us quicker. I could see you cutting this entire line I realize that you later have a full cafe but I think it could be brought in in other ways.

For example, if I were to take what I consider one of your better lines here and start there it might be this--and I'm cutting it a little too (I'm also assuming levees is a typo for leaves):

We spoke of uncles who died while raking leaves
of camping in the hooded darkness of Vermont

Okay let's walk through the rest of the lines.

There in the webs of our conversation,
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,--what does this really add? When you do the better uncle line there's something happening. What specifically about these friends makes this important to relate.
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees,
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,--love these lines. So if we go back to this type of opening just as an example:

We spoke of uncles who died while raking leaves
of camping in the hooded darkness of Vermont

You could play the idea of the hooded darkness against the dawn in the next line. So maybe

Soon, it became dawn,
and the heavy cafe doors swung open,--you don't necessarily need a break just giving you options to think about.

And memories from both sides came pouring in,--you could cut "And"
Like the opening of a mall complex,
Filling the tables with fresh patrons,
With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire,
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,--you could cut "their"
With cousins and sisters carrying on,--something stronger than carrying on. Why does this need to be here.
Some with teacup poodles in their purses.

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe--don't see the need for the strophe break or for this line. I would pull this up. Just my opinion
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffee--good line. You could cut "While"
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room
Though we noticed nothing but each other.--I like these previous three lines

I think back to what my grandmother said--you could probably pare this down to "My grandmother said," or "My grandmother (once/often) said"
That someone is a conversationalist--you don't need "that"
If you know you could stay sane as Eskimos with them.--maybe break the line after "sane"
I smile, as I picture us alone in an igloo, --you could cut "I smile, as"
With a circle sawed into the ice,
Laughing at the thought of fire,--laughing here implies the earlier smile.
Neglecting the nibbles on our fishing lines.

I think the final strophe is great. I like the eskimo images and ideas a lot. Good luck with this. Again, if you disagree with any of this that's okay it's just my opinion. I hope some of it will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Lawrence]

I think I'm deleting everything but the last stanza.

[heslopian]

Why? The other stanzas are great. They just need a bit of editing.

[Todd]

Lawrence, you're a solid writer. There are good lines in more areas than the last stanza. If you choose to make the eskimo stanza sit in a different poem okay, but scrapping all the lines would be a shame (obviously your call though).

[billy]

of course the choice is yours, but for me it's fine, good even. by all means chop shop it but don't just trash it.
slip it in a draw for a week or a month and see how you feel then.