Villanelle contest

[heslopian]

The villanelle is a classic form of French poetry, consisting of five tercets (three line stanzas), one quatrain (four line stanza), and two alternating, rhymed refrains (lines repeated throughout a poem). Below are a couple of examples, one traditional and one more modern; I've also highlighted the aforesaid refrains, to show you how they're positioned:

Traditional:

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Modern:

The Revisionist Dream by Maxine Kumin

Well, she didn't kill herself that afternoon.
It was a mild day in October, we sat outside
over sandwiches. She said she had begun

to practice yoga, take piano lessons,
rewrite her drama rife with lust and pride
and so she didn't kill herself that afternoon,

hugged me, went home, cranked the garage doors open,
scuffed through the garish leaves, orange and red,
that brought on grief. She said she had begun

to translate Akhmatova, her handsome Russian
piano teacher rendering the word-for-word
so she didn't kill herself that afternoon.

She cooked for him, made quiche and coq au vin.
He stood the Czerny method on its head
while her fingers flew. She said she had begun

accelerandos, Julia Child, and some
expand-a-lung deep breaths to do in bed
so she didn't kill herself that afternoon.
We ate our sandwiches. The dream blew up at dawn.

***

For this contest, write one villanelle.

[billy]

will have a chop at one tomorrow or so

[Todd]

Jack, Cool I need to step out in form more. I've only ever written one or two villanelles. I'm going to try something more modern. Here's one I wrote a while ago. You guys are used to my free verse (here's my attempt at form). I'll give you a new one hopefully before the end of the week. Consider this one a place holder.

The Old Revolt from Awe

And he said to them, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.” Luke 10:18

Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
His voice once raised in praise began to scream.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

As did the host that thought it would defy,
The Three-in-Ones exalted high regime.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

He sought the ones most loved told them his lie—
To be like God—the substance of this scheme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

Fruit fallen from their hands raises a cry;
Eyes finally open waking from a dream.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

Cut off, now naked, they began to die.
Perhaps in this way he would be supreme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

Covering cherub thought to be so sly.
Deceiver always never what you seem.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.



(Title is adapted from Lucifer in Starlight - George Meredith 1883)

[heslopian]

Thanks for the brilliant entry Todd! I hope this thread garners interest; I do adore a good villanelle Here are my thoughts on your piece:

Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
His voice once raised in praise began to scream.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

Beautiful opening stanza. The second line is perfectly carved. The use of the word "forever" in the third line seems strange, but that could just be me. It just sounds a wee bit contrived, as though you were trying merely to beef up the sentence.

As did the host that thought it would defy,
The Three-in-Ones exalted high regime.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

Is the comma after "defy" needed? Other than that very good. I love the "Eastern sky" refrain.

He sought the ones most loved told them his lie—
To be like God—the substance of this scheme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

I think you need a comma after "loved" in the first line, otherwise the syntax doesn't work. I like the phrase "the substance of his scheme" very much.

Fruit fallen from their hands raises a cry;
Eyes finally open waking from a dream.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

The fruit raises the cry? I'd put a comma after open, again just to help the syntax.

Cut off, now naked, they began to die.
Perhaps in this way he would be supreme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

The first two lines of this are awesome. So potent and emotional, laden with meaning.

Covering cherub thought to be so sly.
Deceiver always never what you seem.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

The first half of this last quatrain doesn't quite make sense to me. "Always" and "never" don't juxtapose well, even if you're being ironic, in my opinion.

Aside from my quibbles, however, this is a lovely villanelle. I'm not normally found of poems about religion, but this knocked me for six, in a way. Thanks for the read, Todd

[Todd]

Hi Jack. Thanks for the comments and grammar scrub (I didn't do my typical OCD 35 revisions before posting). I'm looking forward to trying a modern version of one of these. Very cool prompt! I think the trick for a villanelle as I think about it (not sure if mine here does this) is to the refrain should probably be structured in such a way as to advance the poem in a non-repetitious way (which is tough since villanelles thrive on using repetition). Well, you've given me an excuse to test that out.

Best to you as always,

Todd

[heslopian]

Yeah I agree about the refrains. They have to look like a natural part of the poem's dialogue, and not just tacked on sentiments. I'm still learning that, as you'll see from my poem below, which relies a bit too heavily, I think, on semi-colons.

As we kiss the air grows stale,
when I come a brain cell dies;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

The morning pokes through dusty blinds,
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.

After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now
as we kiss the air grows stale.

A mordant cry escapes my lips,
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

Our bedroom now is a coffin,
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

[billy]

(content) Pass Me The Ketchup And Give Me A Fuckin Light by W. Marsland.

smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
super-sizing meals should not be apply
don't get your heart attack before it's time

wear the patient's gown at a later time
eat fruit and greens, don't bread or bacon fry
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

give up the lucky strikes, instead just mime
wear a patch, it helps; would the doctor lie
don't get your heart attack before it's time

have chicken cooked with rosemary and lime
not KFC or scrumptious pumpkin pie
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

pass it by if someone offers you prime
ribs are out, better to have fish on rye
don't get your heart attack before it's time

the advice given isn't worth a dime
nor should it ever see the light of day
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
don't get your heart attack before it's time

[billy]

Jack, Cool I need to step out in form more. I've only ever written one or two villanelles. I'm going to try something more modern. Here's one I wrote a while ago. You guys are used to my free verse (here's my attempt at form). I'll give you a new one hopefully before the end of the week. Consider this one a place holder.

The Old Revolt from Awe

And he said to them, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.” Luke 10:18

Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
His voice once raised in praise began to scream.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

As did the host that thought it would defy,
The Three-in-Ones exalted high regime. One's (i think)
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

He sought the ones most loved told them his lie—
To be like God—the substance of this scheme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

Fruit fallen from their hands raises a cry;
Eyes finally open waking from a dream.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.

Cut off, now naked, they began to die.
Perhaps in this way he would be supreme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.

Covering cherub thought to be so sly.
Deceiver always never what you seem.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.



(Title is adapted from Lucifer in Starlight - George Meredith 1883)

apart from the the grammar mentioned already, i think the forever thing could be solved with a : or a ; or a ,

for me the form is there and the content is but it feels a little too flat, i know the form leads to that but i think it could be perked up a little.

good job todd.

i'll get to yours later jack.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the entry, Billy! Here are my thoughts on your piece:

smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
super-sizing meals should not be apply
don't get your heart attack before it's time

"Should not be apply" doesn't make sense. I think that you could get away with a half rhyme and just put "applied." I had this trouble with my villanelle, which is why I made it more modern, and bent the rules a little bit.

wear the patient's gown at a later time
eat fruit and greens, don't bread or bacon fry
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

I think I would have put, in lieu of your first line, "don't wear green gowns whilst in your prime," but that's just a personal thing. "Don't bread or bacon fry" doesn't work for me. How about "don't everything fry"? Again, that's probably just personal.

give up the lucky strikes, instead just mime
wear a patch, it helps; would the doctor lie
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Love this stanza, partly because of the "lucky strikes" reference (my Nan, when she smoked, smoked only that brand). I found the "just mime" bit amusing as well.

have chicken cooked with rosemary and lime
not KFC or scrumptious pumpkin pie
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

"Scrumptious" seems unecessary, and to my mind disrupts the rhythm. Other than that though this is wonderful, especially the "rosemary and lime."

pass it by if someone offers you prime
ribs are out, better to have fish on rye
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Good. 'Nout more I can say.

the advice given isn't worth a dime
nor should it ever see the light of day
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Not sure I understand the first two lines; what advice are you referring to? The bits you've just given?

Aside from these quibbles, I liked this very much. I often think of villanelles as deadly serious, so seeing a comic one is nice, and this is filled with your great pithy wit. Thanks for the read as always.

---

i'll get to yours later jack.

That sounds ominous

[billy]

Thanks for the entry, Billy! Here are my thoughts on your piece:

smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
super-sizing meals should not be apply
don't get your heart attack before it's time

"Should not be apply" doesn't make sense. I think that you could get away with a half rhyme and just put "applied." I had this trouble with my villanelle, which is why I made it more modern, and bent the rules a little bit.

wear the patient's gown at a later time
eat fruit and greens, don't bread or bacon fry
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

I think I would have put, in lieu of your first line, "don't wear green gowns whilst in your prime," but that's just a personal thing. "Don't bread or bacon fry" doesn't work for me. How about "don't everything fry"? Again, that's probably just personal.

give up the lucky strikes, instead just mime
wear a patch, it helps; would the doctor lie
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Love this stanza, partly because of the "lucky strikes" reference (my Nan, when she smoked, smoked only that brand). I found the "just mime" bit amusing as well.

have chicken cooked with rosemary and lime
not KFC or scrumptious pumpkin pie
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

"Scrumptious" seems unecessary, and to my mind disrupts the rhythm. Other than that though this is wonderful, especially the "rosemary and lime."

pass it by if someone offers you prime
ribs are out, better to have fish on rye
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Good. 'Nout more I can say.

the advice given isn't worth a dime
nor should it ever see the light of day
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Not sure I understand the first two lines; what advice are you referring to? The bits you've just given?

Aside from these quibbles, I liked this very much. I often think of villanelles as deadly serious, so seeing a comic one is nice, and this is filled with your great pithy wit. Thanks for the read as always.

---

i'll get to yours later jack.

That sounds ominous

i meant applied

i thought the scrumptious line had the same ten syls, maybe they're not iambic

the advice of the poem.

thank for the feedback jack

[billy]

Yeah I agree about the refrains. They have to look like a natural part of the poem's dialogue, and not just tacked on sentiments. I'm still learning that, as you'll see from my poem below, which relies a bit too heavily, I think, on semi-colons.

As we kiss the air grows stale,
when I come a brain cell dies; comma after come?
I hear the pounding of the nail.

The morning shows through dusty blinds,
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.

After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now
as we kiss the air grows stale.

A pleasure moan escapes my lips, wtf is a pleasure moan should it be pleasure-moan?
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

Our bedroom now is a coffin, feels archaic in sintax
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

the meter feels a bit wobbly bob for me.
but the content feel fine.
a good effort

have you posting in the poetry practice thread yet

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Billy I've since changed "pleasure moan" to "mordant cry," after another user pointed out how weird and cheesy it was haha.
I agree with your comment on the archaic syntax in the last quatrain, but I really don't see a way around that. "Our bedroom is now a coffin" just doesn't fit the rhythm for me.

[Lawrence]

The Day the Sea died.

Today the sea has dried at last
My lighthouse shuts his eye, so then
I cut the sailcloth off my mast

The fishing lines shall not be cast-
Will never tempt a bass again.
Today the sea has dried at last.

I took a taxi to Iceland
And passed the stranded ships, when
They cut the sailcloth off their masts

They split it up, and changed the maps
New borders sprung across the land
The day the sea had dried at last

What kept us far apart has passed-
The nations war to steal the sand.
The day the sea had dried at last
We cut the sailcloth off our masts.

[billy]

a good modern milli vanilly

not a lot i can say really. i feel a little ashamed of my effort after reading this.
naw, i don't really. but for me this is at a higher level.

it's def not a classical ville because of the end rhyme structure but as i sad. an excellent modern one.
i liked everything about it. i hate back patting but this for me is so publishable

thanks for the read lawrence.

[Lawrence]

Why did this thread die!?!?!
Villanelles rule! I'm with Hes.

You know, I've never heard one written about tits?
Can someone fix this problem?

[heslopian]

Villanelles are quite hard to construct, which is probably why this thread has floundered.

[Lawrence]

You know, I agree, but I have a little something for you that might make it easier (although it may be standard process for most of you! )

I usually start with a couplet, like
"Today the sea has died at last
I cut the sailcloth from my mast"

And that's a good chunk of the poem right there!
The strict rhyme scheme and tricky verse does make it difficult, though.

[billy]

also remember we are few in number as of yet i just invited a couple but as of yet no reply)
if any of you know anyone please invite them over )
while a good villi is really good, they're not really my cup of tea. so all i only posted mine out of duty

and may i say (don't forget the poetry prompt if you're up to it )

[Lawrence]

Everyone abandons something. Sometimes
The page’s corner will stay turned;
Ships drift elsewhere. No ending is defined.

We do so to people. Entire lives
I have brushed away, unconcerned.
Everyone does it to someone, sometimes.

I’ve written whole books, and on their last lines
Locked them away, not to return.
Unbothered that for them, no ending was defined.

Though it isn’t a pious paradigm
If there’s one lesson I have learned
All give, and all are given up, sometimes

Even God himself, all-knowing, divine
Retracts his prying gaze and turns
From us. There’s nothing more he will define.

And this poem, I’ll likely not revise-
I don’t commit to written word.
Abandonment’s not my job to define.
Maybe another will, someday, sometime

[billy]

a good effort