Lost Appetite.

[billy]

The laughter in the kitchen
boils over on flames of indignation.
I open the door and de-volume the TV.
The maid as usual is unhappy with her lot;
it seems the wages are too low
and the meat is too tough.
I hear mention of a sore back and long hours,
the delusional rant spews out
over the kitchen sink and metal back-splash;
bounces off the stainless steel like one of her hard dumplings,
and assaults my burning ears.

The laugh returns, no I'm mistaken,
the hearty laugh is indeed a cackle
followed by an under-vocalised curse.
The sound of phlegm grating upward
along the back of her throat make me fearful of eating--
veal with oyster sauce, usually me favourite course.
Softly I close the door, not wishing to upset her
any more than I already have.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

A couple comments on this one (and maybe a few suggestions for you to think about--if they don't seem right for what you are going for please disregard them).

This is an interesting picture. Here are my comments:

The laughter in the kitchen
boils over on flames of indignation.

You may want to consider moving "boils" up to end L1. It seems like it would make the opening more arresting.

Flames of indignation seem a bit too telling for me (jmo).

I open the door and de-volume the TV.

L3: I wonder if this line really adds anything. It is clear that the narrator overhears. I do realize that you have to be in the other room for it to work. So, I'm a bit torn.

The maid as usual is unhappy with her lot;
it seems the wages are too low
and the meat is too tough.

I like the structure on the too low/too tough lines.

I hear mention of a sore back and long hours,
the delusional rant spews out

I think delusional is too telly here. I'd just let the scene or the characterization draw the reader to that conclusion.

over the kitchen sink and metal back-splash;
bounces off the stainless steel like one of her hard dumplings,

Those lines are solid. I like the hard dumplings showing what type of cook she is in general--also, defining the relationship between the two a bit more.

and assaults my burning ears.

Burning ears is a bit overused. I think you can do better than that.

The laugh returns, no I'm mistaken,
the hearty laugh is indeed a cackle
followed by an under-vocalised curse.
The sound of phlegm grating upward
along the back of her throat make me fearful of eating--
veal with oyster sauce, usually me favourite course.
Softly I close the door, not wishing to upset her
any more than I already have.


I hope some of that will be useful to you. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

Hi Billy,

A couple comments on this one (and maybe a few suggestions for you to think about--if they don't seem right for what you are going for please disregard them).

This is an interesting picture. Here are my comments:

The laughter in the kitchen
boils over on flames of indignation.

You may want to consider moving "boils" up to end L1. It seems like it would make the opening more arresting.

Flames of indignation seem a bit too telling for me (jmo).

I open the door and de-volume the TV.

L3: I wonder if this line really adds anything. It is clear that the narrator overhears. I do realize that you have to be in the other room for it to work. So, I'm a bit torn.

The maid as usual is unhappy with her lot;
it seems the wages are too low
and the meat is too tough.

I like the structure on the too low/too tough lines.

I hear mention of a sore back and long hours,
the delusional rant spews out

I think delusional is too telly here. I'd just let the scene or the characterization draw the reader to that conclusion.

over the kitchen sink and metal back-splash;
bounces off the stainless steel like one of her hard dumplings,

Those lines are solid. I like the hard dumplings showing what type of cook she is in general--also, defining the relationship between the two a bit more.

and assaults my burning ears.

Burning ears is a bit overused. I think you can do better than that.

The laugh returns, no I'm mistaken,
the hearty laugh is indeed a cackle
followed by an under-vocalised curse.
The sound of phlegm grating upward
along the back of her throat make me fearful of eating--
veal with oyster sauce, usually me favourite course.
Softly I close the door, not wishing to upset her
any more than I already have.


I hope some of that will be useful to you. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

for me any feedback is usefull
yours more so cos it usually makes sense.
i can't say i'd argue with any of it, i'll do an edit later using most, if not all of what you suggested.
as usual thanks for taking the time to read and leave your ideas Todd

[heslopian]

Slightly mean-spirited but excellent poem, the syntax perfect and the enjambment divine. The issues I have are mostly just grammatical:

The laughter in the kitchen
boils over on flames of indignation.
I open the door and de-volume (would "turn down" have been more succinct? "De-volume" sounds too elongated and fussy (IMHO)) the TV.
The maid as usual is unhappy with her lot;
it seems the wages are too low
and the meat is too tough.
I hear mention of (if I'd composed this, I would have written "her mention," because, in my opinion, the longer syllable ("her" as opposed to "of") flows better) a sore back and long hours, (would a semi-colon fit more here?)
the delusional rant spews out
over the kitchen sink and metal back-splash; (do you need punctuation here? It seems like this line should flow into the next)
bounces off the stainless steel like one of her hard dumplings,
and assaults my burning ears.

The laugh returns, no I'm mistaken, (I would have put a semi colon after "returns," and a comma following "no")
the hearty laugh is indeed a cackle
followed by an under-vocalised curse. (would "a barely vocalised" be more accurate?)
The sound of phlegm grating upward
along the back of her throat make me fearful of eating-- (needs an "s" after make)
veal with oyster sauce, usually me favourite course. (that's intentional, right?)
Softly I close the door, not wishing to upset her
any more than I already have.

[billy]

me isn't intentional

and you seem spot on with the rest. i'll incorperate them when i do an edit.
thanks for the feedback jack

[heslopian]

me isn't intentional

Really? Because I like it quite a lot, and think it works better than "my." Adds another dimension to the narrator.

[billy]

i wish i could remember what you said when i asked a rhetoric. (why not simply...)

maybe,it does, i'll think about it jack thanks.
actually i do like it as me

i think with the feedback given so far i can do a decent edit sometime today.