Posts: 5,057
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Personal Property
by
William Marsland
“No officer
I didn’t gut him first
nor did I knife him
splice him
cut and dice him
I merely stabbed him
through the heart
after telling him
not to ride my fuckin bike
then I shot my bike through the head
you’ll find her in the bedroom”
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Love how you did it. Didn't pull any punches at all. I like how the casualness almost denies the violence of the act, yet it's still wound so tight in the words. And that ending *brrr*
Maybe you don't need the quotation marks? I think it's clear enough that its a first person poem with someone talking. Other than that I can hardly find fault. Real solid work.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
In some bizarre way, I feel as though you were smiling while writing this. I enjoyed reading this too, but only as far as the poem would let me. I agree with Addy, that there are definately no puches being pulled. Why not? This is a straight shooter to the gut, and as a reader I feel that we don't have enough time to catch our breath before the poem is over. I do like the reverse anthropomorphization of your "bike" though. It's quite witty, almost surreal. The mind is confounded with the love triangle between two men and a bike. I believe it can also work both ways. Maybe a duality of a double feature? I want to feel confused about whether or not this person is simply riding your bicycle, or your girl. I think this needs some abiguity. That's just my opinion though. "Shot my bike through the head." Classic
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(01-19-2010, 12:08 PM)NadCloutier Wrote: In some bizarre way, I feel as though you were smiling while writing this. I enjoyed reading this too, but only as far as the poem would let me. I agree with Addy, that there are definately no puches being pulled. Why not? This is a straight shooter to the gut, and as a reader I feel that we don't have enough time to catch our breath before the poem is over. I do like the reverse anthropomorphization of your "bike" though. It's quite witty, almost surreal. The mind is confounded with the love triangle between two men and a bike. I believe it can also work both ways. Maybe a duality of a double feature? I want to feel confused about whether or not this person is simply riding your bicycle, or your girl. I think this needs some abiguity. That's just my opinion though. "Shot my bike through the head." Classic
@ addy;
thanks for the feedback and yep the quote marks can go.
@ Nad;
thanks for the feedback Nad, i think i did it more for the fun of it than anything else and yep i was smiling when i wrote it. that said it's placed here for crit and what you say is valid. it could be more ambiguous in the telling. i'll take what you said into mind when i do an edit.
