thoughts[comment please]

[srijantje]

My thoughts
written on ice...
Watery grave

[billy]

for a minute i had an image of
signing your sig in the snow
with piss. (sorry)
is it about the thoughts we sometimes have
and how we sometimes think them great until we try
and put them into practice. It's a little ambiguous for me as it is
srijanjte.

[srijantje]

never thought of the piss part but then the last line should be"melting away"
what"s ambiguous?

[billy]

it means open to more than one interpretation.
get a dictionary if you're gonna keep writing (and i hope you do ) it's a big help.

[addy]

I think the last line could be changed... my first thought upon reading it was that it was a poem on suicide, which clearly isn't your intention LOL

The sense I got is it's about how our own thoughts are fleeting. Even though they're "written down" they don't retain the same shape in your mind. I like it.

[srijantje]

yes,addy,thanks for your comment,it makes me trying again

[mikebauer]

i think it still comes off as a list, because the image isn't detached enough from the narrator's voice. in this kind of poetry, the image defining, is a kind of aside or immediate reflection, and on a separate plane.

my me,
written on ice:
so frozen.

-- you can see how basically trite the concept is, and that it needs a very evocative image to make the poem work. no one really cares if you have a thought or not, or if it's thinking you into depression... especially if they're reading this 300 years from now. so, why not give them a rich image, one they don't have to pay for by feeling sorry for you?

my thoughts,
clinking on the ice-cold:
butterfly crystals.

My thoughts
written on ice...
Watery grave

[NadCloutier]

It invokes something rather profound, but upon analyzing it, there seems to be something missing. How were your thoughts transcribed onto the ice? Being a watery grave, one would think first of a Viking funeral perhaps. Or better yet, it being "watery" as in transparent, fluid-like. Two ideas seem to be in opposition now. How about icy grave? frozen grave? tombcicles? But yeah, for only using seven words, this is quite good.

[srijantje]

thank you for the comment,watery as in fluid and melting to nothing again was meant
you gave me encouragement to try again

[NadCloutier]

Perhaps you could hint at the time lapse, between ice, and water. Like "written on ice - now a watery grave". After reading your comments, I now see more clearly what is going on. It works rather well as it is. But the thing about poetry is that it's not always written in stone, often times it's written in water, or in dirt.