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edited version
okay i tried to change it up with all ur guys suggestion and i used ur line addy. if u dnt want it to be there then i could change it and sorry for doing so with out ur consent lol here it is 2nd draft lol or 1st? o well!..
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Guys can you please give me your opinions and suggestions about this poem I wrote.. i did some other changes so tell me if the other one is more better. Thanks it will be very appreciated!
Does it make sense?
originals
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
OR...
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't love me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought our story wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
You shattered me into a million pieces, You destroyed my soul,
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see your shooting star gone,
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
I think its overly used but idk criticize this poem to the max
i placed it in the proper forum. the one it was in needs a relevant picture attached to it/admin billy
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for the question; Does it make sense, yes of course it does but as a piece of poetry it really needs to lose most of the cliche Therrin. (btw, glad to have you in the forum  )
theres too little difference for me to choose the best one so i'll start with the first one.
all i can do is try and break the poem down, sections in bold denote a cliche (a well used phrase or sentence)
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
half of my heart looks for your love
the other side can't be bothered
You don't want me and it hurts
You've moved on, left me alone.
You've left me
with all these memories of love,
I thought it wouldn't end,
but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool,
It was all about you
one day you will see how I felt
You will be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart
told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough?
I'm left with just one clue,
and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool.
It was all about you...
you need some strong original images therrin, in order to make it your own work. you could add only a few images and cut the poem by half. you have a lot of repeat concepts and phrases. (repetition) that don't add to the overall effect of the poem.
without being rude. why not put a short poem in and i/we'll when the others get on line help a little at a time. lets say we'll help with the cliche first, so as not to make you feel overwhelmed, maybe the form as well.
after that we can show you how to create an original image and use some poetic device such as alliteration internal rhyme and rhythm etc.
thanks for sharing the poem 
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I tend to stay away from writing love poems. And leave it up to experts. Because, I've never experienced or been in love. So, I wouldn't know what to say. To me, it seems like you're a beginner. Which is no problem. We all have to start some place. Anyway, it's not that love poems aren't good, they are usually cliche. And cheesy. Certain words you should avoid.. "heart, pieces.. and etc.. This seems to me someone who experienced unrequited love? and is suffering a broken heart. It would have been better, had it been a metaphor.
Your poem has potential , yet lacks. It lacks imagery(which is very important) especially in Love poems(IMO) though. Also, you need to structure your poem better. Decide if you want stanza's or what? Fix this up and you're good.
Loveblind.
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(06-26-2010, 06:36 AM)billy Wrote: for the question; Does it make sense, yes of course it does but as a piece of poetry it really needs to lose most of the cliche Therrin. (btw, glad to have you in the forum )
theres too little difference for me to choose the best one so i'll start with the first one.
all i can do is try and break the poem down, sections in bold denote a cliche (a well used phrase or sentence)
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
half of my heart looks for your love
the other side can't be bothered
You don't want me and it hurts
You've moved on, left me alone.
You've left me
with all these memories of love,
I thought it wouldn't end,
but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool,
It was all about you
one day you will see how I felt
You will be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart
told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough?
I'm left with just one clue,
and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool.
It was all about you...
you need some strong original images therrin, in order to make it your own work. you could add only a few images and cut the poem by half. you have a lot of repeat concepts and phrases. (repetition) that don't add to the overall effect of the poem.
without being rude. why not put a short poem in and i/we'll when the others get on line help a little at a time. lets say we'll help with the cliche first, so as not to make you feel overwhelmed, maybe the form as well.
after that we can show you how to create an original image and use some poetic device such as alliteration internal rhyme and rhythm etc.
thanks for sharing the poem
thanks for viewing and giving suggestions and advise... yes, I am a beginner but I Love poetry... I want to be able to create all that image and you know all that good stuff. I guess you could help to give tips, I'm a fast learner! lol Umm ill post another short poem which is like 6 lines. thanks and i appreciate all of this
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thats the spirit.
we also a have a few more who'll
help with suggestions.
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(06-26-2010, 10:28 AM)Loveblind Wrote: I tend to stay away from writing love poems. And leave it up to experts. Because, I've never experienced or been in love. So, I wouldn't know what to say. To me, it seems like you're a beginner. Which is no problem. We all have to start some place. Anyway, it's not that love poems aren't good, they are usually cliche. And cheesy. Certain words you should avoid.. "heart, pieces.. and etc.. This seems to me someone who experienced unrequited love? and is suffering a broken heart. It would have been better, had it been a metaphor.
Your poem has potential , yet lacks. It lacks imagery(which is very important) especially in Love poems(IMO) though. Also, you need to structure your poem better. Decide if you want stanza's or what? Fix this up and you're good.
Loveblind.
lol yes i am a beginner... I've tried to be different, you know without being so cliche but I guess I need to work on that... lol you know, you got me there with the unrequited word. I had to look it up but yes, It is about someone that is heart broken.. but is confused because he has tried several times to "win her back" but she doesn't want him anymore. He doesn't know what to do, whether to look for her love or to just drop it.
And when she notices that he is gone for good then she will feel like the fool cause she will know she had something good and lost it. Since she didnt forgive him for what he did to her, he thinks that she never loved him cause he thought their love was big enough to forget and says he was being a fool all along.. hahah i didnt want to interpret that but i didnt have nothing better to do..lol jk and sorry for the run on sentences jaja
thx for the comment and suggestions man i appreciate it...
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here's a halfway decent book if you can get hold of it;
POETS HANDBOOK
A Guide to Building Great Poems
By
Kenneth C. Steven.
but no worries.
throw something up and we can work on it together.
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The others have already commented on the imagery, so I'll first give a suggestion on the enjambment
I always repeat this advice my sis taught me to other poets because its so useful (even though I'm pretty bad at following it myself LOL)
Read the poem out loud. You'd usually be able to tell where to cut your lines by how you would pace it when you recite it. I noticed you had a few really long lines where you relied on commas to break up the phrasing... well in poetry, the rule of thumb is to rely on line breaks rather than too many commas.
As for imagery, all you need is inspiration! You can take elements you've already put in here and try to push them to make them metaphoric and not so literal: lines like " you swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake" or maybe "You are the ace and I am your fool" (LOL I'm sure you can come up with better ones that are more true to you  )
Keep it up! Hope to see more from you!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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06-27-2010, 03:12 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-27-2010, 03:14 PM by billy.)
a wake is something that's left behind
as it goes forward. as in:
the wake of a boat.
as a metaphor, it would relate as something that was but is no loner.
the wake of your smile
the wake of your warmth
the wake of nearness
the wake of you
the wake as you leave
i wallow in your wake.
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06-28-2010, 07:42 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-28-2010, 07:52 AM by billy.)
okay i tried to change it up with all ur guys suggestion and i used ur line addy. if u dnt want it to be there then i could change it and sorry for doing so with out ur consent lol here it is 2nd draft lol or 1st? o well!..
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
first off, i think the edit is much better in every way than the original.
the form is better. it reads better. it's a lot less cliche though some cliche remains. you use poetic devices. and the cut down version is way more appealing all round.
that said; we now have a definitive article to give feedback on.
first verse;
You swept on like a wind and I'm left in your wake
you swept on like the wind that left me in its wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
It was a book whose story was cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
a song without a chorus, played over and over
so it now looks like;
you swept on like a wind that left me in its wake
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
a song without a chorus, played over and over
enjambment is a poetic device used to make a line end act as a stopping point so lets try using it;
You swept on like a wind
that left me in its wake.
With our scrap book on my lap;
Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
A song without a chorus
played over and over.
of course what i did isn't the best of edits but it will hopefully give an idea on how to go through the rest of the poem. (jmo)
i have to say you did a great job
i see you wanted some feedback re ;
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
it feels a bit disjointed flow wise.
how about;
I once played melody
now I just strum melancholy,
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Of course you can use the line, no problem! You're free to make use of whatever suggestions we can give (or to not make use of it if it suits you)
I agree that this is improved, you were able to put in more imagery.To improve this you can shorten a lot of the phrases (remove "extra" words that only create padding but add no extra meaning to the line).
(06-26-2010, 04:33 AM)Therrin Wrote: edited version
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling. "Niagara falls falling" stuck out for me because its theme doesn't match the rest of the stanza. All the other lines in the first stanza talks about being old, abandoned, stuck in a rut. Maybe "Niagara falls falling" should be in a different stanza" for the sake of story progression
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy, agree with billy's suggestion on phrasing this
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green I like this line best, the sense of it: its like saying a leopard can't change his spots
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
I suppose to tie in the whole poem, you can end with a line that implies that even though things will come back/return as they were as the seasons do, that special person never will. Kind of like a 'some things pass, but some don't' meaning.
Good edit so far
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Guys thanks so much for the feed back and all the critique...
I dont think the enjambment is right or maybe it is? well
so here is my 3rd draft.... watchu think?
oh and the end where it says im cool yeah its cliche but i found it amusing lol wow... anyway
You swept on like the wind
and left me in it's wake.
With our scrap book on my lap
you left me in blank.
I was a book
whose story became cliché,
a song without a chorus
played on replay
I once played melody
now I just strum melancholy.
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
I danced, tried to catch you butterfly
So sophisticated
you knew my next move.
I ate your words every day to survive.
Believed you,
then stabbed me like a knife.
You swept on like the wind
and left me in it's wake
With our scrap book on my lap,
you left me in blank.
Summer fades
Clouds darken the sky.
It rains out side
When will the sun shine?
Oh misery, she sent you!
Flowers will bloom
kids will play by the pool.
Birds will flock North
I'll still be cool
You are a lost artifact
I am ill...
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06-28-2010, 05:34 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-28-2010, 05:39 PM by billy.)
It's good to see that you're so dedicated to editing your work
Here are a few more suggestions that might help
(06-28-2010, 04:21 PM)Therrin Wrote: You swept on like the wind
and left me in it's wake.
With our scrapbook on my lap
you left me in blank. this line's a bit vague... how about "my pages left blank" or "tomorrow's pages left blank"?
I was a book
whose story became cliché,
a song without a chorus
played on replay
I once played a melody
now I just strum, melancholy.
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green break this up into two lines
I danced, tried to catch you butterfly
So sophisticated
you knew my next move.
"I danced, tried to catch you
clever butterfly,
but you knew my next move" or something along those lines
I ate your words every day to survive. I find this image interesting, maybe if you develop the metaphor more, or extend it to two lines, it'll work better
Believed you,
then you stabbed me like a knife.
You swept on like the wind
and left me in it's wake
With our scrap book on my lap,
you left me in blank. I see you repeated these lines. Was it intentional? (Was it, for example, meant to allude to your earlier image about the song on replay?)
Summer fades
Clouds darken the sky.
It rains outside
When will the sun shine?
Oh misery, she sent you!
Flowers will bloom Since you're now describing things you anticipate in the future (the earlier stanza was the present) then indicate it with something like "Tomorrow, flowers will bloom..."
kids will play by the pool.
Birds will flock North
I'll still be cool
You are a lost artifact
I am ill... Hmm, not sure about this last line. Usually when you say "ill" you mean physically sick, and maybe you really mean in a more metaphorical sense. Think up an image for this, one that will complement your line "You are a lost artifact.."
As for the enjambment, that's not really my forte but I can give a few more suggestions. First, since this obviously isn't going to be a traditional rhyming poem (you don't use a consistent pattern of syllabication: for instance, in a traditional rhyming poem like Mary had a little lamb, you see a consistent 7 or 8 syllables in one line followed by 6 in the next. you follow no such pattern) then you don't have to focus so much in just trying to make the end bits of some lines rhyme.
There are many techniques you can use to suggest rhyme internally. For instance, you can make words that have rhyming syllable parts (you did it in one line: "scrapbook" and "lap" have similar sounds in them) and spread those words through consecutive lines. You can also use alliteration, or words beginning with the same letter/sound. ( example: "The cat sat crossly... Across his cot")
Another suggestion about the imagery: You don't have to wrack your brain trying to come up with a completely independent one for each line! What I mean is, think of the poem as telling a story, with a theme. You can use imagery and metaphors that can string together nicely under that theme, therefore using some of your images to inspire other images.
Hope to see more of your writing!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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06-28-2010, 05:41 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-28-2010, 05:41 PM by billy.)
i'll go with addy's suggestions.
thing is don't burn yourself out on
one poem. you can always put it t one side for a few days
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