Ever After

[addy]

Wow, I'm braving serious critique LOL

This is not my best poem... on the contrary its terrible right now, I can barely edit it. But I'm out of inspiration so I figure this is a great way to get some more ideas in it

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Once upon a time
A baby was born
Then died
The end.

Once upon a time
A baby was born
Crying buckets
Before he learned to laugh
And laugh til the years
left little lines
By his eyes
And his lips when
He smiled
Til he stopped
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
With brown eyes
And polished buttons
Who kissed good girls
Filed his taxes on time
And recycled
But was proudest
Of that one time
He punched Jerk-off Sid’s
Tooth out
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
Who was a man
And he loved three girls:
One he kisses
On mothers day
One on valentines
And one he carried
Round and round
In his arms
Til he couldn’t
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who loved lightning
And good opera
Hated politicians
And carnivals
And was ambivalent
About sunblock
(Too bad
But he liked the sun)
The end.

Once upon a time
Things happen in the middle
Then they pass like
The fading spots of
Seasons
Stars
And all those things
That stay even
After they don’t.

[Bianca Alabaster]

the best stanza is the last. I thought at first you had written different versions of your poem, but then I see it grows. I like the sarcastic twists at each end.

[billy]

Wow, I'm braving serious critique LOL

This is not my best poem... on the contrary its terrible right now, I can barely edit it. But I'm out of inspiration so I figure this is a great way to get some more ideas in it

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Once upon a time
A baby was born
Then died
The end.

Once upon a time
A baby was born
Crying buckets
Before he learned to laugh
And laugh til the years
left little lines
By his eyes
And his lips when
He smiled
Til he stopped
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
With brown eyes
And polished buttons
Who kissed good girls
Filed his taxes on time
And recycled
But was proudest
Of that one time
He punched Jerk-off Sid’s
Tooth out
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
Who was a man
And he loved three girls:
One he kisses
On mothers day
One on valentines
And one he carried
Round and round
In his arms
Til he couldn’t
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who loved lightning
And good opera
Hated politicians
And carnivals
And was ambivalent
About sunblock
(Too bad
But he liked the sun)
The end.

Once upon a time
Things happen in the middle
Then they pass like
The fading spots of
Seasons
Stars
And all those things
That stay even
After they don’t.

a little bit of work on the enjambment and everything's capitalized, thoughts not doing it is only a pref of mine


i loved the third stanza to the end. i think many men would see themselves in your poem addy.

And was ambivalent
About sunblock
(Too bad
But he liked the sun)
The end.
i found the above quirky and lovely. throat lumpy lovely actually

in truth i find it rather childish and it feels like it needs a complete overhauling edit.

yet i find it deeply, insidiously perfect (apart from a little enjambment).


i almost had a tear in my eye by the 2nd and 3rd read.

it's one of the silly poems that gets less silly and more perfect with each read.

thanks for the posting of it .hy:

[addy]

Thanks for the feedback guys

Yeah, the last stanza is the most polished, and the one with the most readily apparent depth... you're correct that it's a progression, so the last comes of as the "wisest" (or at least the one with the most backwards perspective). The rest of it... yeah, I'm not the best at enjambment, and it I'm sure it comes off as very clumsy at points

Even though you say that the childishness worked after a while billy, it would probably be better to polish it a little so it doesn't sound so grating upon first read (like you said, you didn't like it at first). The capitalizations are definitely distracting, so off they go

Again, thanks very much for the read and your helpful comments

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback guys

Yeah, the last stanza is the most polished, and the one with the most readily apparent depth... you're correct that it's a progression, so the last comes of as the "wisest" (or at least the one with the most backwards perspective). The rest of it... yeah, I'm not the best at enjambment, and it I'm sure it comes off as very clumsy at points

Even though you say that the childishness worked after a while billy, it would probably be better to polish it a little so it doesn't sound so grating upon first read (like you said, you didn't like it at first). The capitalizations are definitely distracting, so off they go

Again, thanks very much for the read and your helpful comments

the best poetry seldom works after the first read. (for me)
a good poem draws me back into it time and again

i think i've read this one about 6 times.

[addy]

Aw, well, glad you liked it anyhow

[digna_sofia]

I always liked the simplicity of your language and your ideas, sis. And I almost cried over how sweet and funny and quirky this poem is, while at the same time having a profound depth.

It made me think that the form didn't matter all that much, actually. And if a poem makes me not care about form, then it's a VERY good poem.

[addy]

wow that's high praise

Of course, a poem's form is always important too