Nagasaki TV

[robdaley]

With the volume off, I watch
the presenters bow their heads
like preening swans on the lake.
They might be talking about crime
the rise in obesity, or maybe
the price of steel. I wonder
if the news was on when
the bomb fell? Whether
in those last splashless moments
the calm was illusory
like the bleached shadows on the trees?

[busker]

With the volume off, I watch
the presenters bow their heads
like preening swans on the lake.  … excellent 
They might be talking about crime
the rise in obesity, or maybe
the price of steel. I wonder … surely the price of groceries would be more apt?
Who talks about the price of steel?

if the news was on when
the bomb fell? Whether ….. don’t mention the bomb. The title is Nagasaki TV. My expectations aren’t subverted.

in those last splashless moments …. Unsure about “splashless”….is it a worthwhile made up word?
the calm was illusory
like the bleached shadows on the trees? :..: the last line is excellent 

Overall, good pome, but a little predictable from the title 
A pome titled Nagasaki Tv should not mention the bomb, or only faintly, giving hints

[RiverNotch]

Quick note, but you do know that television barely existed during the war, right? That most people got their news at the time from papers or newsreels?

[busker]

Quick note, but you do know that television barely existed during the war, right? That most people got their news at the time from papers or newsreels?

That is an excellent point

[matsunosuperfan]

With the volume off, I watch     pretty good hook, why are we watching with the volume off? Some dread already creeping in
the presenters bow their heads     for me this wants another beat, maybe we could productively modify "presenters" or "heads" 
like preening swans on the lake.     this is a bit of a redundant gesture, as swans already suggests preening. I also resist what that word does to the tone. It's a very pushy word that strong arms me into feeling a specific way about the image.  
They might be talking about crime     provocative - maybe a bit facile, but provocative
the rise in obesity, or maybe
the price of steel.     this run fails to elevate the sum of its parts, for me. I want a more surprising arc. 

I wonder
if the news was on when     this enjambment feels overcooked to me
the bomb fell? Whether
in those last splashless moments    great sound with last/splashless - "moments" strikes me as comparatively weak diction 
the calm was illusory          hard to resist the urge to say "show don't tell" here
like the bleached shadows on the trees?    especially when the final image does it so much better