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Figuring it out
I was a lonely child, my dreams were wild
and dangerous: I’d read a Ranger Rick
about Brazil, and wake up wrestling
a hungry anaconda for my life.
When other children found me odd, I took it
as a compliment— Hello, they’d say,
and I’d recite the phases of the moon
or list the pros and cons of having toes.
When I told them the truth, adults would stare
at me, then laugh, embarrassed to remember
how they used to live in trees, how they liked to feel
the wind reach out and snatch their breath away—at first,
I was ashamed. I had no word for it. Later, I would learn
to call this rush of joy a joke.
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(Today, 04:45 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Figuring it out
I was a lonely child, my dreams were wild
and dangerous: I’d read a Ranger Rick
about Brazil, and wake up wrestling
a hungry anaconda for my life.
When other children found me odd, I took it
as a compliment—“Hello,” they’d say,
and I’d recite a fact about the moon
or list the pros and cons of having toes.
Adults, when I told them the truth, would stare
at me, then laugh—later, I would learn
to call this rush of joy a joke.
This looks like quite a few children I know
Adults, when I told them the truth, would stare
at me, then laugh—later, I would learn
to call this rush of joy a joke.
Children are all truth tellers, and therefore embarrassing. This third remembered factoid about N’s childhood is less unique than the first two. In fact, it’s so universal that it’s confusing as to why it’s mentioned at all. But of course it’s a setup for the last line. And it works in isolation. But read with the earlier parts of the poem, it does come across as a bit self indulgent and whiny.
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Hi,
(Today, 04:45 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Figuring it out
>I like the title, it what kids spend their childhood doing
I was a lonely child, my dreams were wild
>nice internal rhyme with child and wild
and dangerous: I’d read a Ranger Rick
about Brazil, and wake up wrestling
a hungry anaconda for my life.
>This example leans on wild and dangerous nicely
When other children found me odd, I took it
as a compliment—“Hello,” they’d say,
and I’d recite a fact about the moon
or list the pros and cons of having toes.
>I particularly like the line about the toes. I go back to the fight with the anaconda which has no toes
Adults, when I told them the truth, would stare
at me, then laugh—later, I would learn
to call this rush of joy a joke.
>Children make adults laugh with their truthfulness. That the boy is joking at the end feels resolved.
Thanks for the read, Rob
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(Today, 04:45 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Figuring it out
I was a lonely child, my dreams were wild
and dangerous: I’d read a Ranger Rick
about Brazil, and wake up wrestling
a hungry anaconda for my life. - entire stanza fantastic
When other children found me odd, I took it
as a compliment—Hello, they’d say,
and I’d recite the phases of the moon - nice edit, this line is much better now
or list the pros and cons of having toes. - another good stanza
When I told them the truth, adults would stare - sounds nicer if you cut "them"
at me, then laugh, embarrassed to remember
how they used to live in trees, how they liked to feel - "they liked to feel" is a bit weak(?) given the intensity of the sensation they're remembering.
the wind reach out and snatch their breath away—at first, - "their breath away" is a bit cliche.
I was ashamed. I had no word for it. Later, I would learn - "I had no word for it." is redundant given the next sentence. I'm also confused on how the shame fits in with the "rush of joy" in the final line.
to call this rush of joy a joke.
I really really liked the original version, but I think v2 is much weaker. The core of the ending is extremely strong, but you've added a bunch of stuff around it in v2 and I don't really understand why.
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