Sketches of Pampánga, v2

[RiverNotch]

Sketches of Pampánga


Egrets cut across
Aráyat's silhouette
over dried-up fields.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in hot oil.

Now taláhib blooms
where Pinatúbo lahar
levelled old homes.

With Christmas come lanterns
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers.

I beam at the sight
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil.

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms.

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers.

[lucienne24]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight  ||  unsure how i feel about this opening. the speaker doesn't maintain a presence in any of the other sketches, and i don't think their smiling does much to establish a mood/the stark black & gold contrast in the landscape
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields. || also i am an "amidst" hater in most contexts. subjective opinion, skill diff, etc.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil. || ugh almost an awesome turn/use of zeugma but i think it lands clunkily because specifying "their legs" breaks the parallel structure (though i do like how the l sounds in the last line fit with your choice of "swells" in the first). not sure how you'd fix it within syllable limits, admittedly

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms. || probably the haiku i feel the most unsure about. i think "cherished homes" feels too detached for me for some reason? or maybe you can get more emotional impact out of this sketch by starting with the taláhib and then revealing the history behind the land? i also looked up what taláhib was and i'm sure that fields of it in certain light must be quite striking. any way you can incorporate more sensory imagery here?

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers. || good ending i think. i like the quietly playful tone of this haiku

overall i liked these! take anything i say with a grain of salt because A.) i rarely write haikus myself and B.) i am brand new here and still learning how to critique! thanks for sharing

[matsunosuperfan]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight     "I beam" doesn't work for me, who describes themselves like that?
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.  "amidst" distracts me every time, line is difficult to say aloud

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water   don't frogs do this all the time?
or their legs in oil.    clever move, but execution could be improved

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now  wrath doesn't level anything. This stanza feels overcooked
the taláhib blooms.    Using blooms for grass is a strong choice. As an outsider, having to stop and look this up really took me out of the poem. 

With Christmas come lamps    such a weak line! And right when we need the opposite!
coiled into colorful wheels,        cool sound but idk what to picture, again as an outsider - how do you coil a lamp?
distracting drivers.                      so deflatory, but of what? I was almost pissed that the poem ends so meekly

Pretty good movement, and with the exception of the notably flat last stanza, the haiku cohere. Whether this is a thing that should be done with haiku is another question. I think it's a compelling effect.

Find the strict adherence to 5-7-5 distracting however. This makes me think of people who just found out about haiku, which I know does not describe the author. 

The muddy water/oil zeugma is not working. It's very clunky and so fails to shiver. And it screams "look, I did a thing" as a further result of that awkwardness. 

I feel like there is a cool tension here between narrative and anti-narrative that could maybe be explored even more intently. I also feel there's pregnant meaning coming from cultural references that are missing me. Not sure how much of that is my fault or the poem's so I leave it to the poet to decide

[busker]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields. .... 'golden fields' is cliche, and loses me

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil. ..... not familiar with the geography. are there oil seeps here? confuses more than anything. frog legs dancing when you pour salt on them? an unnecessary bit of savagery

Pinatúbo's wrath ... cliched
levelled cherished homes where now 
the taláhib blooms. 

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers. ..... this is a nice bit of ending. For me, and particularly for a short poem, this is it. This is the poem.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback. Bit looser with the syllable counts now.

[matsunosuperfan]

Thanks for the feedback. Bit looser with the syllable counts now.

Massive improvements, bravo

maybe,

their legs in spattered oil

or else their legs in oil

something to avoid landing on "or their" which now hits too arrythmic compared to the smoothness of the rest

just a really beautiful impressionistic rhythm and sensibility to these gestures now, great work

ship this someone will publish it

---

I keep reading it, it's really good

---

you can make whole little poems just by elision now

Egrets cut across
When the river swells
Now taláhib blooms
With Christmas
Come lanterns

[wasellajam]

Sketches of Pampánga


Egrets cut across
Aráyat's silhouette
over dried-up fields.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in hot oil.

Now taláhib blooms
where Pinatúbo lahar
levelled old homes.

With Christmas come lanterns
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers.

I beam at the sight
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil.

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms.

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers.

Lovely. Those frog legs read awkwardly, dancing says legs for me. I'd prefer
When the river swells
frogs dance in muddy water
or hot oil.

Or in the fry pan, or something more, just not legs.

Thanks for the read.