Love, After

[wasellajam]

Love, After (edit 1, the Pen)

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual
designated driving,
hand over glass.  "hand over glass" grows on me every read and I think its definitely one of the strongest lines. (In my defense) Most art I love starts off as confusion and when it hits, it hits better than the things already understood. 

Ten years now of you  
offering up the passenger seat,
I watch the hills roll. Just an option, "Watching" could evoke movement and present-ness. Instilling and idea that maybe this poem are the current thoughts of the narrator.  

Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual
designated driving,
hand over glass.  

Today, yesterday, tomorrow
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.

I love coming back to this poem and appreciate the changes. Having the "thirty, twenty, ten" first word of each stanza creates alot of context around relationships and change. 
 
Stanza three changes adds alot to the poem, but there is somethings left behind that the first edit offers. I feel like I prefer the edit overall, its a steady tone and consistent. "I watch hills roll" gives me a feeling of being reflective. Which is perfect for the themes of the poem, but doesn't spell anything out about the narrator overtly.

Where as the initial version has a tone shift that admits intention, compromise. I could honestly see some readers potentially liking the previous version because there is a looseness and humility behind the narrator. One idea could be blending the two keeping

Ten years now of you
offering up the passenger seat
I sink into....

Is this a good or bad idea, I have no idea. (moments like these are why I find crit hard haha)

Anyways awesome ideas and edit. Thanks for the read

just a note on a note, but "watching" could easily be read as "you offering, [you] watching", and i don't see that either being the intent or bettering the intention.

and to make this post worthwhile, i also like "hand over glass", also because of how it plays with the third lines of the other stanzas. "black ice", "glass", "I watch": to notice the recurring transparent imagery makes this read even tighter.

Thanks so much, River, I’m taking my time with what I hope is a final edit, this is very useful.

[rbamssy]

Love, After (edit 1, the Pen)

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual
designated driving,
hand over glass.

Ten years now of you
offering up the passenger seat,
I watch the hills roll.

Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual
designated driving,
hand over glass.

Today, yesterday, tomorrow
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.

Congratulations, you're being subject to my first critique.

That said I really do like this poem. I don't completely understand the meaning of it but the entire thing kind of evokes the feeling of driving through a foresty canyon at night in a blizzard, which is a seriously cool image. 

Good stuff, and I really like the newer version over previous