Posts: 651
Threads: 274
Joined: Dec 2017
When things really piss me off
I go and write a poem
or walk the dog and watch the trees
ensconced in their xylem, phloem,
reciting plant Hesiod in the breeze
with no tree linguist to know ‘em.
They don’t care about our goings on,
the anthropophagi of the wheat and corn
industries. We’re just consumers to them,
numbers on a spreadsheet, going
up and down as assumptions vary.
Give me a tale instead, of Mary
speaking to Hashem’s
son back from the desert, hairy
and full of smiles.
Posts: 269
Threads: 71
Joined: May 2026
(Yesterday, 01:30 PM)busker Wrote: When things really piss me off
I go and write a poem. Hahaha ok I am on board
or walk the dog and watch the trees
ensconced in their xylem, phloem, delete 'their' for meter perhaps
reciting plant Hesiod in the breeze big mouthful of a line that doesn't seem worth it
with no tree linguist to know ‘em. disappointing cliche rhyme, really limits the ambition of the poem as now it feels JUST silly
They don’t care about our goings on, true indeed
the anthropofagi of the wheat and corn idk what the cool word is sposta mean
industries. We’re just consumers to them,
numbers on a spreadsheet, going
up and down as assumptions vary. this doesn't strike me as particularly insightful or interesting
Give me a tale instead, of Mary
speaking to Hashem’s
son back from the desert, hairy
and full of smiles. over my head but feels like a provocation
Some good sound, some less good sound. Holds my interest mostly due to the interesting play with music and rhyme. No idea what speaker is on about. Started out with a clear occasion and suggestions of theme, then went off the rails to a destination I don't recognize
Posts: 651
Threads: 274
Joined: Dec 2017
Hi Matsun, I misspelled anthropophagi, which I’ve now corrected
Your first point about “to know ‘em” is bang on. Yeah, it’s a terrible way to end S1 but I couldn’t think of anything else
I’m aggrieved that you didn’t like the varying numbers on a spreadsheet. They’re so variable.
The final bit about Mary is just random, but I liked it. It’s the kernel of a whole new poem.
Posts: 269
Threads: 71
Joined: May 2026
(Yesterday, 03:47 PM)busker Wrote: Hi Matsun, I misspelled anthropophagi, which I’ve now corrected
Your first point about “to know ‘em” is bang on. Yeah, it’s a terrible way to end S1 but I couldn’t think of anything else
I’m aggrieved that you didn’t like the varying numbers on a spreadsheet. They’re so variable.
The final bit about Mary is just random, but I liked it. It’s the kernel of a whole new poem.
Yeah the end has heat. Maybe if you can focus the rhetorical energy more sharply in the preceding it will cohere more visibly for an unprepared reader. I see what you're going for with the varying spreadsheets and it's a clever gesture, I just feel the tenor of that stanza is a bit of well-trod ground. I want the speaker to inject more of their particular ontology into that passage.
Like ok I remain confused but "hairy and full of smiles" probably the best line in the poem. Elevate the rest to that standard language-making, if you can bear it
Posts: 277
Threads: 30
Joined: Jan 2026
(Yesterday, 01:30 PM)busker Wrote: When things really piss me off
I go and write a poem
or walk the dog and watch the trees
ensconced in their xylem, phloem,
reciting plant Hesiod in the breeze
with no tree linguist to know ‘em.
They don’t care about our goings on,
the anthropophagi of the wheat and corn
industries. We’re just consumers to them,
numbers on a spreadsheet, going
up and down as assumptions vary.
Give me a tale instead, of Mary
speaking to Hashem’s
son back from the desert, hairy
and full of smiles.
Enjoying the language and the need to replace the hard facts with something sweet..
S2L1 seemed to be about the trees (true) then the industries (true).
Heard this yesterday, one of my all time favorite lines. "I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused."
