A Sleight of Hand

[PoMo]

A Sleight of Hand:

rugs wither
the sky has sunk —
segue backwards, frozen sun
the whisper glitters,
mesmerizing lustre —
pristine, yet opaque

Please provide feedback and an overall rating. I appreciate it.

[CRNDLSM]

A Sleight of Hand:

rugs wither
the sky has sunk —
segue backwards, frozen sun
the whisper glitters,
mesmerizing lustre —
pristine, yet opaque

Please provide feedback and an overall rating. I appreciate it.

A sleight of hand: rugs wither, the sky has sunk - segue backwards, frozen sun, the whisper glitters, mesmerizing lustre - pristine, yet opaque

I'm really trying hard to imagine what I'm seeing, sleight of hand like nimble skill, stealing a moment, painting an picture, writing the poem...  Rugs wither like rustling, aging, with a sunken sky, like night falling or, sinking sadly. But then to segue backwards might indicate how we got to this point? Like a movie that starts at the end, cold stiff sun before a sinking sky, if the sky is sinking maybe the sun would seem rising, but this is frozen, while whispers glitter. Glimmer, whispers between two people, whispers of the universe to the observer, mesmerizing lustre... Lustre of the scene, the sun...  Rugs are usually indoors, maybe that's why it's withered, an inside setting outside, pristine like shining glitter, yet opaque like a canvas, or a stubborn listener, 

I have no idea what I'm looking at, I almost want this poem to be a setting to a poem, too much mystery not enough concrete imagery, ideas without substance, only because of how short the poem is.  I want to think your being crafty with your sleight of hand, 

I can't give a rating because for all I know this is perfectly how you want it.  Hope this helps

[PoMo]

A Sleight of Hand:

rugs wither
the sky has sunk —
segue backwards, frozen sun
the whisper glitters,
mesmerizing lustre —
pristine, yet opaque

Please provide feedback and an overall rating. I appreciate it.

A sleight of hand: rugs wither, the sky has sunk - segue backwards, frozen sun, the whisper glitters, mesmerizing lustre - pristine, yet opaque

I'm really trying hard to imagine what I'm seeing, sleight of hand like nimble skill, stealing a moment, painting an picture, writing the poem...  Rugs wither like rustling, aging, with a sunken sky, like night falling or, sinking sadly. But then to segue backwards might indicate how we got to this point? Like a movie that starts at the end, cold stiff sun before a sinking sky, if the sky is sinking maybe the sun would seem rising, but this is frozen, while whispers glitter. Glimmer, whispers between two people, whispers of the universe to the observer, mesmerizing lustre... Lustre of the scene, the sun...  Rugs are usually indoors, maybe that's why it's withered, an inside setting outside, pristine like shining glitter, yet opaque like a canvas, or a stubborn listener, 

I have no idea what I'm looking at, I almost want this poem to be a setting to a poem, too much mystery not enough concrete imagery, ideas without substance, only because of how short the poem is.  I want to think your being crafty with your sleight of hand, 

I can't give a rating because for all I know this is perfectly how you want it.  Hope this helps

Thank you for your response. I appreciate how accurate and thoughtful your critique is.
I titled it "A Sleight of Hand" because the poem is meant to evoke mystery and conjure up imagery that flows in a sequence, yet remains puzzling to the reader—like an unexplained magic trick. There is also a dual meaning, as the act of writing the poem is a trick in itself .
You picked up on the temporal shift I was aiming for. There is a concrete setting, but we work backward through it. The poem begins from the point of view of being indoors looking at the rug  (as if standing far behind a window) , and then transitions backward and up into the sky. The sun illuminates a lustre amongst the clouds, and the glitters move as if with the wind. The clouds are pristine yet opaque, which is designed to evoke that initial sense of magic for the viewer.

[CRNDLSM]

A Sleight of Hand:

rugs wither
the sky has sunk —
segue backwards, frozen sun
the whisper glitters,
mesmerizing lustre —
pristine, yet opaque

Please provide feedback and an overall rating. I appreciate it.

Maybe because there's so few words to illustrate your vision, you could use the formatting to your advantage




                                         
A sleight of hand:

                                                                                                            n  f r
                                                  m  e s  m  e  r    h     pristine      u           o
                                                 t                           a                          s          z   opaque
                                                 h                          s                               n e
                                                 e     i   z  i   n   g 
                                                 s                           s
                                                 k                           u
                                                 y                           n
                                                     l  u  s  t  r  e     k
                                            
                                             i.               r.
                                    g.         t.      e.
                                          l.         t.                           
                        whispers
rugs w it her,

[matsunosuperfan]

A Sleight of Hand:

rugs wither
the sky has sunk —
segue backwards, frozen sun
the whisper glitters,
mesmerizing lustre —
pristine, yet opaque

Please provide feedback and an overall rating. I appreciate it.

It feels like the poem wants to be read impressionistic so I receive it as a word-painting. I love the sound and tactical surfaces of the first two lines, those thudding "ug" "unk" "ther" syllables are so chewy. An unctuous image. Sets a particular mood, too. We are not having fun, maybe!

The rest isn't rousing much energy for me. L3 is near incomprehensible. L4 who or what is whispering, and how does it glitter? I feel more confused than transported or productively provoked. 

Last two lines feel like an overly precious attempt at summary.

I dislike  number ratings but a request is a request, so:
As a whole, 4/10.
Keep only the first two lines as a miniature, 7/10.