Condolences

[dukealien]

Condolences


Your scythe’s grown dull, old Harvester–
it cuts the bloom of grasses raggedly
and some heads not at all, they merely bend
as if a moaning breeze had passed
not lord of all Earth’s ends,
their pride and beauty’s grim dispatcher.

Instead of cleanly clipped they waver on
upheld as if by vigor but in truth
alive in overtime by clever tricks
of life-support which stay your fated arc
too long: they blink, forget, and fade
but not to dust.

How they must mock you at the Horsemen’s Club,
those fabled slayers Pestilence and War
and Famine, though they too have shrunk away
to sulk on thrones too massive, overgrown
with poppies and their terrors overthrown
by Public Health, Deterrence, UNICEF!

[busker]

This is really good

“ Your scythe’s grown dull, old Harvester–
it cuts the bloom of grasses raggedly
and some heads not at all, they merely bend
as if a moaning breeze had passed”

Recalls Hyperion, almost

I don’t think pestilence was a separate horseman, but the club is a nice touch
Though when I think of it, I see Bojack horseman’s like characters sitting around shooting the breeze
The rider has gone, but the horse lives on

[matsunosuperfan]

Condolences


Your scythe’s grown dull, old Harvester–
it cuts the bloom of grasses raggedly
and some heads not at all, they merely bend
as if a moaning breeze had passed      first four lines is very nimble passagework, feels like conservatory-trained counterpoint
not lord of all Earth’s ends,
their pride and beauty’s grim dispatcher.    I feel some strain in the language here not present in the preceding quatrain 

Instead of cleanly clipped they waver on
upheld as if by vigor but in truth       nice play with sound and syntax, "cleanly clipped," "waver/vigor"
alive in overtime by clever tricks       the enjambed "alive" is very satisfying, but the rest of the line waters it down considerably by being loose and difficult to parse
of life-support which stay your fated arc     more strained diction / register
too long: they blink, forget, and fade
but not to dust.         sounds good but I admit to being a little confused about sense

How they must mock you at the Horsemen’s Club,     hilarious turn
those fabled slayers Pestilence and War                    "those fabled slayers" least attractive language in the whole poem, for me
and Famine, though they too have shrunk away
to sulk on thrones too massive, overgrown            great sound and image again, shrunk / sulk
with poppies and their terrors overthrown             least convincing rhyme in the whole poem, made more glaring by inverted syntax
by Public Health, Deterrence, UNICEF!                  I don't really get the punchline I'm afraid 

 I don't understand this poem's project, but I enjoyed a lot of the language. Irony/farce seems the ostensible point, but public health/deterrence/UNICEF all famously have not managed to end pestilence, war, famine, to say nothing of death. So I don't get what joke the speaker is trying to make.

---

This is really good

“ Your scythe’s grown dull, old Harvester–
it cuts the bloom of grasses raggedly
and some heads not at all, they merely bend
as if a moaning breeze had passed”

Recalls Hyperion, almost

I don’t think pestilence was a separate horseman, but the club is a nice touch
Though when I think of it, I see Bojack horseman’s like characters sitting around shooting the breeze
The rider has gone, but the horse lives on

Interesting to see the same stanza jumps out for both of us. Really convincing work there IMO