Tampered Plates

[Harroldinho]

Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell.
Fresh rose ribbon.
That piercing red
riding through the hood
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.
I hate your prickles 
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.
Not the last name though.
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself.
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish.

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens.
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds,
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars.
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg,
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

[busker]

Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell.
Fresh rose ribbon.
That piercing red
riding through the hood … good up to this point. Passable wordplay
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes. - how is a strobe laser guided? What is a double Dutch strobe? 
I hate your prickles 
you should shave them. … a switch back into something sensible 
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter. ….we’re not even in dad joke territory now 
Not the last name though. …. Why is this needed?
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself. …. At this point, it’s clear that the poet isn’t attempting to make any part of the poem less cryptic 
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish.  …. Sheer nonsense by this point. The poem gives me no reason to try and resolve what it’s trying to say. It’s simply not good enough to warrant the effort.

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.  …. Yeah, yeah, plates. I get it. Not good enough.

You’ve blessed my lens. …. The rest is just unreadable nonsense. I check out at this point 
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds,
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars.
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg,
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

---

Summary feedback: it’s rubbish and should be rewritten

[Harroldinho]

1790069597[/url]']

1790056781[/url]']
Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell.
Fresh rose ribbon.
That piercing red
riding through the hood … good up to this point. Passable wordplay
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes. - how is a strobe laser guided? What is a double Dutch strobe? 
I hate your prickles 
you should shave them. … a switch back into something sensible 
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter. ….we’re not even in dad joke territory now 
Not the last name though. …. Why is this needed?
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself. …. At this point, it’s clear that the poet isn’t attempting to make any part of the poem less cryptic 
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish.  …. Sheer nonsense by this point. The poem gives me no reason to try and resolve what it’s trying to say. It’s simply not good enough to warrant the effort.

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.  …. Yeah, yeah, plates. I get it. Not good enough.

You’ve blessed my lens. …. The rest is just unreadable nonsense. I check out at this point 
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds,
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars.
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg,
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

---

Summary feedback: it’s rubbish and should be rewritten

The concept of the poem is to blend/compare flock cameras with the male gaze and how humans are similar in a surreal way that they become blended and indistinguishable. 

I think I was inspired similar to this poem about blending HR language in a surreal way https://imgur.com/a/i2DOcbn

Was the flock camera metaphor not working? I think I have found I need a specific audience to understand the references since I will admit there are alot.

[alonso ramoran]

The concept of the poem is to blend/compare flock cameras with the male gaze and how humans are similar in a surreal way that they become blended and indistinguishable. 

Was the flock camera metaphor not working? I think I have found I need a specific audience to understand the references.

I admire the concept and how the poem approaches it. I'll return later to give critique.

[Deor Ana Log]

Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell. 
Fresh rose ribbon. I am in the car with you - great imagery
That piercing red use a shade of red here
riding through the hood 
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.what is this referencing?
I hate your prickles hate seems like a pretty strong word here
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.
Not the last name though.
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself.
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish. these last lines don't make logical sense - do cut

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens. using 'lens' instead of eyes?
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds, assonance is appreciated here
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars. nice how this comes back in 'big brother' later
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg, plural noun is a great addition here
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers killer slant rhyme
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s why did you choose Wendy's specifically?
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American an unnecessary line break, and a middling to end the poem
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

This poem is overwhelming to look at. Whether that was the intention I do not know. I does have standout moments, but I must ask one question to the author. What is the audience supposed to take way from this poem. A flaw with many of my poems it that they don't serve a purpose, I believe this flaw is seen here.

I give this poem a 7/10 due to lack on coherence. The score is bumped up by the specificity that runs throughout. The biggest thing that needs to changes is the presentation and throughline. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

[Harroldinho]

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. The concept of the poem is to blend/compare flock cameras with the male gaze and how humans are similar in a surreal way that they become blended and indistinguishable. Also I believe the body positivity aspect of the cars/women embracing things that are pointed out like “wrinkles(paint/skin), postpartum bodystandards, transgender women etc. I believe my error was I tried to squeeze in too many subtle cultural/literary references(sylvia plath, jane eyre, joe goldberg, big brother, alpr’s/flock cameras that are an issue in the US now but if you aren’t american it might not make as much sense or be as big of a deal. that would do a lot of the work for the reader without giving enough plain language context like take the carpenter line in the beginning (savior complex).

[Deor Ana Log]

1790093913[/url]']

1790056781[/url]']
Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell. 
Fresh rose ribbon. I am in the car with you - great imagery
That piercing red use a shade of red here
riding through the hood 
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.what is this referencing?
I hate your prickles hate seems like a pretty strong word here
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.
Not the last name though.
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself.
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish. these last lines don't make logical sense - do cut

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens. using 'lens' instead of eyes?
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds, assonance is appreciated here
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars. nice how this comes back in 'big brother' later
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg, plural noun is a great addition here
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers killer slant rhyme
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s why did you choose Wendy's specifically?
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American an unnecessary line break, and a middling to end the poem
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

This poem is overwhelming to look at. Whether that was the intention I do not know. I does have standout moments, but I must ask one question to the author. What is the audience supposed to take way from this poem. A flaw with many of my poems it that they don't serve a purpose, I believe this flaw is seen here.

I give this poem a 7/10 due to lack on coherence. The score is bumped up by the specificity that runs throughout. The biggest thing that needs to changes is the presentation and throughline. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. The concept of the poem is to blend/compare flock cameras with the male gaze and how humans are similar in a surreal way that they become blended and indistinguishable. Also I believe the body positivity aspect of the cars/women embracing things that are pointed out like “wrinkles(paint/skin), postpartum bodystandards, transgender women etc. I believe my error was I tried to squeeze in too many subtle references that would do a lot of the work for the reader without giving enough plain language context like take the carpenter line in the beginning (savior complex). The 

could you edit the last part of your response to be bigger, so I can see

---

1790093913[/url]']

1790056781[/url]']
Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell. 
Fresh rose ribbon. I am in the car with you - great imagery
That piercing red use a shade of red here
riding through the hood 
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.what is this referencing?
I hate your prickles hate seems like a pretty strong word here
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.
Not the last name though.
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself.
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc 
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers.
You’re getting scammed.
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish. these last lines don't make logical sense - do cut

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens. using 'lens' instead of eyes?
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds, assonance is appreciated here
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars. nice how this comes back in 'big brother' later
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg, plural noun is a great addition here
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. 

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers killer slant rhyme
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s why did you choose Wendy's specifically?
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American an unnecessary line break, and a middling to end the poem
Kia’s.

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

This poem is overwhelming to look at. Whether that was the intention I do not know. I does have standout moments, but I must ask one question to the author. What is the audience supposed to take way from this poem. A flaw with many of my poems it that they don't serve a purpose, I believe this flaw is seen here.

I give this poem a 7/10 due to lack on coherence. The score is bumped up by the specificity that runs throughout. The biggest thing that needs to changes is the presentation and throughline. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. The concept of the poem is to blend/compare flock cameras with the male gaze and how humans are similar in a surreal way that they become blended and indistinguishable. Also I believe the body positivity aspect of the cars/women embracing things that are pointed out like “wrinkles(paint/skin), postpartum bodystandards, transgender women etc. I believe my error was I tried to squeeze in too many subtle references that would do a lot of the work for the reader without giving enough plain language context like take the carpenter line in the beginning (savior complex). The 

could you edit the last part of your response to be bigger, so I can see

[Harroldinho]

Ok I think I fixed it, Can you see it now?

[alonso ramoran]

Harroldinho,
I saw your message about wanting to compare flock camera surveillance to the male gaze, and I think it's an idea that's ripe with potential. However, the execution leaves more to be desired in clarity and conciseness. I think you can experiment more with the license plate stanzas. As is, it's kind of a slog to read through, all packed together in one stanza, and then it becomes predictable by the time the third stanza of plate "numbers" rolls around, as the reader catches on to the way the poem is sequenced.

Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell.
Fresh rose ribbon.
That piercing red
riding through the hood all i can think of here is the solar panel. honestly need something more concrete to have anything to say about the next couple of lines, but i appreciate what the writer is doing here, implying its own predatory nature by referencing lrrh. it is done very obliquely though and could use more umph
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.
I hate your prickles policing of women's bodies, i can see that. i'm not seeing the bridge yet between surveillance and the male gaze. and i want to, because it is there to write about
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.  carpenter v us?
Not the last name though. cut from here---
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself. ---to here, is my suggestion. i like the voice of it, but that's all there is to it. not clear what it is saying
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc what is sc?
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers. good voice, neat image
You’re getting scammed. cut
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish. cut

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens.
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds,
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars. This almost reads like a run of disconnected clauses. Unhealed blisterpacks and childhood scars I can work out. querying and hot wheels i cannot.
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg,
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. A bit too on the nose for this reader

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers cool image
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American
Kia’s. probably the clearest stanza in the piece, and captures most of what you set it out to do with this piece. have you thought of making this stanza your opening one?

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

Thank you for sharing.

[Harroldinho]

Thank you for your response, I think based on the feedback I received I need to add more clarity to the stanzas because it is too confusing as it is right now. I will make edits to improve the clarity of the metaphors and make it easier to read.