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Joined: Sep 2026
Sea, swallow me
sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim
nonetheless ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do
Posts: 348
Threads: 213
Joined: May 2013
This hits real hard. I feel like with a poem like this it is good to know what kind of critique you're looking for. With the lack of proper structure, and capitalization you're going for an expressive approach which I think works very well in this poem. The last line ropes me in "do not do". I wonder is the narrator out at sea while thinking this poem? "Do not do" alludes to present tense, they are actively choosing not / forced not too do the things. I love the length of the poem, and the tone. Using "things" twice creates mystery you could change the first "things" to "words" to keep it vague if intended.
Part of me thinks that changing the first "do" to "did" in the last stanza would make it read like "sailors regret" or maybe pirates lol.
Thanks for the read and welcome to the site
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Sep 2026
(Today, 09:41 AM)Bunx Wrote: This hits real hard. I feel like with a poem like this it is good to know what kind of critique you're looking for. With the lack of proper structure, and capitalization you going for an expressive approach which I think works very well in this poem. The last line is ropes me in "do not do". I wonder is the narrator out at sea while thinking this poem? "Do not do" alludes to present tense, they are actively choosing not / forced not too do the things. I love the length of the poem, and the tone. Using "things" twice creates mystery you could change the first "things" to "words" to keep it vague if intended.
Part of me thinks that changing the first "do" to "did" in the last stanza would make it read like "sailors regret" or maybe pirates lol.
Thanks for the read and welcome to the site
actually love the feedback, thx! changing "things" to "words" definitely makes it better
Posts: 610
Threads: 263
Joined: Dec 2017
(Today, 08:32 AM)piscui Wrote: Sea, swallow me
sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim
nonetheless ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do
I liked this poem.
Some suggested edit
Posts: 249
Threads: 28
Joined: Jan 2026
Hi, welcome to the Pen. Effective poem, you might consider a slight trim.
(Today, 08:32 AM)piscui Wrote: Sea, swallow me
sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim Have you thought about the subtle change in meaning if you drop "how"?
nonetheless ill be choking This line might be stronger as just "choking",
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do
Just a few things to think about. Here at the Pen even when we don't do we try at least to say.
Thanks for the read. Happy to have you here, check your PMs
