Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
Some brief notes:
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.
(7 hours ago)RiverNotch Wrote: Some brief notes:
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.
Hear me out, its also a sea shanty, and I didnt realize my reformatting rhymed as well! Thank you for the comments it needs some editing for sure
Exploding from the barrel, Lu-
ffy's stretchy rubber arms plow through
Alvira's pirate henchmen, terr-
ifying them. But Koby, her
young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shout-
ing, laughing, jabbing him about
not following his own dreams, cow-
ard Koby watches Luffy pound
Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
(8 hours ago)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
I think it's pretty dope, smooth meter, good use of enjambment, syntax is provocative and lively, gang gang
(8 hours ago)CRNDLSM Wrote: Exploding from the barrel, Luffy's stretchy
rubber arms plow through Alvira's pirate
henchmen, terrifying them. But Koby,
her young slave, amazed, gives food to this
new kid, whose only mission is
to be the 'King of Pirates!' Shouting, laughing,
jabbing him about not following
his own dreams, coward Koby watches Luffy
pound Alvira's crew to smithereens,
inspiring him to join Marines.
If I were to express a concern it is that the lines seem measured out like lengths of wood rather than planned which gives it the feeling of a prose poem chopped at regular intervals
