(Yesterday, 04:10 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: (Yesterday, 11:16 AM)busker Wrote: I must say I haven’t read such consistently high quality poetry on this site since Mercedes Webb Pullman used to write. Barring the odd poem from TqB or Todd.
There isn’t much to critique. It’s perfect
(Yesterday, 02:23 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Intersection With Unborn Child
What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind
the bright unblinking eye …. Touché
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread … nice word choice
I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand … touche again. Here it would be the green man, but the little hand is perfect foreshadowing
that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me
watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love
they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you … the reveal
who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars. … perfection
Wow I'm honored and flattered, thank you kindly. Doing my best not to totally spam the forum ://
This was written for a very beloved one who called me in sadness yesterday, so I'm glad it's doing something.
If you’ve whipped out this poem in a day and found such perfect pacing and word choice, then that’s doubly impressive
This is Claude, which I prompted to “find flaws”
I think it’s nonsense
The ending states its own theme. “Not to waste my life / looking for signs” tells us directly what the poem has been dramatizing indirectly through the crow and the crosswalk. Then the last three lines re-affirm the opposite (I will keep finding you in signs) — which is a nice reversal, but because the poem names the tension explicitly right before enacting it, the ending feels slightly over-explained. You might trust the images to carry that argument without the “warn me not to waste my life” line spelling it out.
Stanza 4’s syntax is doing a lot of gymnastics. “Good people / come over to watch me // watch the windows” — the double “watch” is clever but the sentence has to work hard to get there, and on first read it’s genuinely ambiguous whether the good people are watching her or watching the windows with her. Might be worth a beat of clarity here, even if you want to keep some disorientation elsewhere.
Title is a bit flat compared to the poem’s texture. “Intersection With Unborn Child” front-loads the crosswalk metaphor and telegraphs the ending before the poem gets to earn it.
None of these are fatal — the poem’s strongest quality (that collapse of the domestic and cosmic, the refusal to be reassured) survives all of them. But if you’re revising, the crow and the ending are where I’d spend the most time.
