Just keep sailing...

[N.A.]

Just keep sailing...

I’ve never liked smiling,
always thought I looked odd,
like a rippled reflection of myself. 

But recently,
the skin around my eyes crinkle
into origami boats.

My lips are sails,
unfurled to the corners of my face,
and my teeth slip out in every wave of smiles. 

It’s involuntary—
the joy that sparks inside me
scuds through my nerves
until it erupts into laughter.

Perhaps we are already sailing into something better. 

(I've honestly never written a poem before so I'm still very bad at this. I love reading poetry so I'm hoping to better my writing skills. Please give me any and every criticism you have <3)

[mark1tc]

Just keep sailing... - I feel the title could be improved to better do justice to the fresh imagery in your poem. - ellipsis necessary?

I’ve never liked smiling,  - just "'I""?
always thought I looked odd, - need always/odd?
like a rippled reflection of myself. - need like? often I find a better way to describe what I mean by "like" - same with "of" - like can be just assumed in this case, I think.

But recently, - I wonder what prompted this change and might it add to the poem? maybe not?
the skin around my eyes crinkle - crease?
into origami boats.

My lips are sails,
unfurled to the corners of my face, - on not of?
and my teeth slip out in every wave of smiles.  a not every?

It’s involuntary—
the joy that sparks inside me
scuds through my nerves - despite it's meaning scuds sounds and feels to me a negative here, something with a more joyful sound/feel?
until it erupts into laughter. I not it?

Perhaps we are already sailing into something better. - "I am" not "we are"?

I think the meaning I find in the ending hits a good spot though I wonder is the speaker still questioning if they are sailing into something better or is the speaker in fact sailing into something better? And this sudden "we" is interesting.

Hi N.A. - I think it's good that you are entering into poetry. I wouldn't have guessed this is the first poem you've written. I like what meaning I pick up in this poem and the imagery you carry in the second and third stanzas, boats and sails and waves. Because you said this was your first poem I was nitpicky with my perspective to tickle your thoughts and I advise you to consider my suggestions only as you see fit. As with any crit, I would take it with a shaker of salt. Thanks for sharing!

Just keep sailing...

I’ve never liked smiling,
always thought I looked odd,
like a rippled reflection of myself. 

But recently,
the skin around my eyes crinkle
into origami boats.

My lips are sails,
unfurled to the corners of my face,
and my teeth slip out in every wave of smiles. 

It’s involuntary—
the joy that sparks inside me
scuds through my nerves
until it erupts into laughter.

Perhaps we are already sailing into something better. 

(I've honestly never written a poem before so I'm still very bad at this. I love reading poetry so I'm hoping to better my writing skills. Please give me any and every criticism you have <3)

[brynmawr1]

Just keep sailing...    the title needs work but I see where you're going

I’ve never liked smiling,  liked my smile?
always thought I looked odd,
like a rippled reflection of myself. an ugly ripple in my quiet pond?  just riffing here...

But recently,
the skin around my eyes crinkle
into origami boats.

My lips are sails,
unfurled to the corners of my face,
and my teeth slip out in every wave of smiles. 

It’s involuntary—
the joy that sparks inside me
scuds through my nerves
until it erupts into laughter.

Perhaps we are already sailing into something better. 

(I've honestly never written a poem before so I'm still very bad at this. I love reading poetry so I'm hoping to better my writing skills. Please give me any and every criticism you have <3)

Hi N.A.
Welcome to the Pen!  This is a great first effort.  You have managed to avoid many of the pitfalls of first time poetry.  You have a nice metaphor going but you need to work on how to utilize it most effectively.  I started to go through it line by line, but in basic I'm going to give you some overall impressions.  Your poem starts as relatively conversational.  Continue with that voice.  The trick is to keep that poetic edge which means learning when to be expansive and when to be terse for emotional effect.  I would consider how you can be expansive, a little, at the transitions, then how to be direct in your language at those focal points.  That requires finding the essence and then continually reimagining how to make someone else feel it.  Think about what is implied by the situation and what you have already set up.  The things left unsaid are usually the most powerful.  That said, work your metaphor back into the last stanza.  I look forward to your edits.  I will be back.
Bryn