Unpredictable

[wasellajam]

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do

[matsunosuperfan]

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

This is a really well-crafted poem. It feels like a tightly woven basket. I guess that's apt!  I enjoy the music and rhythm and the clear thematic focus. It's a poem that knows what it wants to say. 

I have two main questions. The first is about content - I worry that the insights offered here are all pretty abstracted. OK prosaic reading: speaker reflects on the unpredictable nature of life and "growing up," using the loom as an extended metaphor for the relationship between parent and child. The parent would like to arrange life perfectly for their offspring but recognizes that this is impossible; a parent can arrange the characters and even provide the setting but it's ultimately up to the children, and circumstance/fate, to decide how the story ends. This is true but also bordering on being a truism. I think making some part(s) of the discourse more particular and vividly local could help resolve this worry. Like, do we have to JUST talk about "how things are" in general? What about how things are for this particular speaker, their particular children? 

OK, content aside, some thoughts on form. Again this is already strong use of rhymed verse. Mostly I don't feel the syntax is being made subservient to the rhyme scheme, so the few places this does happen prick out: 

a shed built strong but leaving room for life to wield the shuttle children ride.  As mildly verbose sentences go, you could do a lot worse, but still, for me this is the first place where the language feels a little awkward. It took a few tries to really parse this, and even then the syntax is kind of a mouthful. 

discerned - this is one of those words that almost always feels out of place to me. I just don't think most people have "discerned" as such in their working vernacular; it calls a lot of attention to itself as a "poemy" word used primarily to anticipate the rhyme with "returned." 


as weft threads slide then deftly are returned - by far the weakest line in the poem. This is the only place I feel the speaker fully loses command of the language. It's very difficult to say aloud, it's grammatically a bit of a chore, and it has this high-falutin' tone that I really resist instinctively. 

an artisan... the steady fall and peak - for me this is too much and starts to feel pedantic, even a little smarmy. Which I think is always going to be a central concern for this subject/occasion. 

I confess I don't really understand the ending. "No distance in the years between"? Sorry, I may be dense but I can't figure out what that's meant to mean. And "life's mystique" again is too on-the-nose for me. In general I think poetry resists these kinds of easy packagings of big ideas into abstract nouns. Leave that to the prose artist, I say! I think it's our job to replace such language with inventive gestures that point to the same idea more precisely, in a new way. 

Overall, I think you could call this poem finished as is and it would have an audience. But I think there's a second poem waiting in the wings that is considerably more ambitious and "professional." As the poem progresses, I find myself progressively less convinced by its form, as the language seems to become pretty beholden to rhyme by the end, with the unfortunate result that we begin to veer into the territory of the familiar and expected, the almost-glib summative impulse. There's clearly rhetorical heat in this occasion and I would love to see what happens if we're more exigent about bringing that heat to the surface with novel language-making. 

Thanks for sharing your work <3

[wasellajam]

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

This is a really well-crafted poem. It feels like a tightly woven basket. I guess that's apt!  I enjoy the music and rhythm and the clear thematic focus. It's a poem that knows what it wants to say. 

I have two main questions. The first is about content - I worry that the insights offered here are all pretty abstracted. OK prosaic reading: speaker reflects on the unpredictable nature of life and "growing up," using the loom as an extended metaphor for the relationship between parent and child. The parent would like to arrange life perfectly for their offspring but recognizes that this is impossible; a parent can arrange the characters and even provide the setting but it's ultimately up to the children, and circumstance/fate, to decide how the story ends. This is true but also bordering on being a truism. I think making some part(s) of the discourse more particular and vividly local could help resolve this worry. Like, do we have to JUST talk about "how things are" in general? What about how things are for this particular speaker, their particular children? 

OK, content aside, some thoughts on form. Again this is already strong use of rhymed verse. Mostly I don't feel the syntax is being made subservient to the rhyme scheme, so the few places this does happen prick out: 

a shed built strong but leaving room for life to wield the shuttle children ride.  As mildly verbose sentences go, you could do a lot worse, but still, for me this is the first place where the language feels a little awkward. It took a few tries to really parse this, and even then the syntax is kind of a mouthful. 

discerned - this is one of those words that almost always feels out of place to me. I just don't think most people have "discerned" as such in their working vernacular; it calls a lot of attention to itself as a "poemy" word used primarily to anticipate the rhyme with "returned." 


as weft threads slide then deftly are returned - by far the weakest line in the poem. This is the only place I feel the speaker fully loses command of the language. It's very difficult to say aloud, it's grammatically a bit of a chore, and it has this high-falutin' tone that I really resist instinctively. 

an artisan... the steady fall and peak - for me this is too much and starts to feel pedantic, even a little smarmy. Which I think is always going to be a central concern for this subject/occasion. 

I confess I don't really understand the ending. "No distance in the years between"? Sorry, I may be dense but I can't figure out what that's meant to mean. And "life's mystique" again is too on-the-nose for me. In general I think poetry resists these kinds of easy packagings of big ideas into abstract nouns. Leave that to the prose artist, I say! I think it's our job to replace such language with inventive gestures that point to the same idea more precisely, in a new way. 

Overall, I think you could call this poem finished as is and it would have an audience. But I think there's a second poem waiting in the wings that is considerably more ambitious and "professional." As the poem progresses, I find myself progressively less convinced by its form, as the language seems to become pretty beholden to rhyme by the end, with the unfortunate result that we begin to veer into the territory of the familiar and expected, the almost-glib summative impulse. There's clearly rhetorical heat in this occasion and I would love to see what happens if we're more exigent about bringing that heat to the surface with novel language-making. 

Thanks for sharing your work <3

Hi! Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to craft your excellent critique. I was ready for "life as a weaving" is too boring to bother with so being offered ways to improve this is encouraging. It will be fun to see if I can lift this into a keeper, I really appreciate you giving me specifics to work with and a picture of where it fails as a whole.

I hope you're enjoying the site, lovely to have you here.

[matsunosuperfan]

[/quote]

Hi! Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to craft your excellent critique. I was ready for "life as a weaving" is too boring to bother with so being offered ways to improve this is encouraging. It will be fun to see if I can lift this into a keeper, I really appreciate you giving me specifics to work with and a picture of where it fails as a whole.

I hope you're enjoying the site, lovely to have you here.
[/quote]

I'm glad you found my comments helpful, and I'm definitely happy to be here! Thanks for the warm welcome. Looking forward to seeing where you take this one.

[milo]

Your first analogy compares self to itself . . .it is called the fallacy of identity

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do 

---

Your first analogy compares self to itself . . .it is called the fallacy of identity

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do 

And thinking through it, it might be interesting if it were even more self-aware of itself - like mocking those who trust metaphor to describe their worlds "I am as much myself as any has ever been and bear the likeness - a striking resemblance to what I truly am" or whatever.

[wasellajam]

Your first analogy compares self to itself . . .it is called the fallacy of identity

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.
The final vision cannot be discerned
as colors side by side are amplified

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do 

Thanks, I guess I'll be starting my edit at the beginning, not a bad place to start. Gotta find a spark first, could happen.

[dukealien]

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom  "hand-dyed" is difficult to say and doesn't fit the theme of tension in the rest of the stanza.  "Hand-spun," perhaps?
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room  had to look up "shed" in this context - saw at first a slanted roof

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.  "wield" a bit off - perhaps something simple like "run"
The final vision cannot be discerned  perhaps "finished" vice "final?"
as colors side by side are amplified  good, better than "multiplied."

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;  a lot of passive voice here for a parent's active engagement
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.  perhaps "constant" vice "steady," which makes it sound plain rather than remorseless
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,  the three Fates?  just a thought...
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.  perhaps "with" vice "all"

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.  perhaps emphasize closeness rather than negating distance to simplify and add impact.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do 

In moderate critique, and not having looked at the previous critics or responses...

The notes above are off the cuff and not lengthily considered, so, take them lightly.  Suggested alternate words may alter your intended theme or meaning,

I noticed no problems with meter or rhyme.  The apophatic concluding line seems unduly circuitous (give a kid a new word and he works into every conversation, not so?)  Not sure the title matches the work, which stresses learning to deal with shocks and vicissitudes rather than their being, in fact, unexpected.

Hope there's at least one useful insight above!  Do parents share Lachesis' work?  Or only try to keep the thread from fraying before its time?

[wasellajam]

Unpredictable

Like hand-dyed threads drawn tight across a loom  "hand-dyed" is difficult to say and doesn't fit the theme of tension in the rest of the stanza.  "Hand-spun," perhaps?
a parent winds the sturdy warp stretched wide
but taut, a shed built strong but leaving room  had to look up "shed" in this context - saw at first a slanted roof

for life to wield the shuttle children ride.  "wield" a bit off - perhaps something simple like "run"
The final vision cannot be discerned  perhaps "finished" vice "final?"
as colors side by side are amplified  good, better than "multiplied."

as weft threads slide then deftly are returned;  a lot of passive voice here for a parent's active engagement
an artisan allows the work to speak
a language of its own that's only learned

by following the steady fall and peak.  perhaps "constant" vice "steady," which makes it sound plain rather than remorseless
The siblings give no thought to what's unseen,  the three Fates?  just a thought...
all consequences cloaked in life's mystique.  perhaps "with" vice "all"

They'll hold each other close as they careen
through life, no distance in the years between.  perhaps emphasize closeness rather than negating distance to simplify and add impact.

Any and all crit welcome.

pulled from the practice threads for something to do 

In moderate critique, and not having looked at the previous critics or responses...

The notes above are off the cuff and not lengthily considered, so, take them lightly.  Suggested alternate words may alter your intended theme or meaning,

I noticed no problems with meter or rhyme.  The apophatic concluding line seems unduly circuitous (give a kid a new word and he works into every conversation, not so?)  Not sure the title matches the work, which stresses learning to deal with shocks and vicissitudes rather than their being, in fact, unexpected.

Hope there's at least one useful insight above!  Do parents share Lachesis' work?  Or only try to keep the thread from fraying before its time?

Being forever myth deficient I had to look up Lachesis, thanks for that. I always thought of that thread of life being straight, not woven and I think there is something to be said for family dynamics weaving of those threads that makes a difference, though we may cause more fraying than protection from it.

As usual, your notes are right on point, thanks for the ammo to enter an edit with. As is often the case, first I have to figure out what I actually want to say.

[JohnS]

This is a really well executed exercise in meter and rhyme. 

I wonder if the effort to maintain that hasn't limited your options so that we see irrelevant content and, to a small extent, Yoda speak, creeping in. It'll take some skill and wit to bring out the full potential of this idea, but worth it I think.

You've had excellent critique from others more experienced than me, so I'll leave it there.

[wasellajam]

This is a really well executed exercise in meter and rhyme. 

I wonder if the effort to maintain that hasn't limited your options so that we see irrelevant content and, to a small extent, Yoda speak, creeping in. It'll take some skill and wit to bring out the full potential of this idea, but worth it I think.

You've had excellent critique from others more experienced than me, so I'll leave it there.

Hey, John, thanks for reading. If you could point out the inversions and padding that would be great, sometimes when I've read my own work a hundred times I don't hear it anymore and what bothers one reader might slip by another. And somehow if more than one critic is annoyed by something it becomes more urgent to fix it.
As far as content I probably can't blame the form as much as my own lack of focus, we'll see if a poem comes out of it.

[JohnS]

Hey, John, thanks for reading. If you could point out the inversions and padding that would be great, sometimes when I've read my own work a hundred times I don't hear it anymore and what bothers one reader might slip by another. And somehow if more than one critic is annoyed by something it becomes more urgent to fix it. 
As far as content I probably can't blame the form as much as my own lack of focus, we'll see if a poem comes out of it. 

I think they've probably been mentioned before - "hand-dyed", tight and taut in S1, "are returned". 
It's difficult to avoid padding or, perhaps, having to use the not quite right word here and there to satisfy the form. I'm totally new at poetry, but I have this issue all the time when writing song lyrics.

[wasellajam]

Hey, John, thanks for reading. If you could point out the inversions and padding that would be great, sometimes when I've read my own work a hundred times I don't hear it anymore and what bothers one reader might slip by another. And somehow if more than one critic is annoyed by something it becomes more urgent to fix it. 
As far as content I probably can't blame the form as much as my own lack of focus, we'll see if a poem comes out of it. 

I think they've probably been mentioned before - "hand-dyed", tight and taut in S1, "are returned". 
It's difficult to avoid padding or, perhaps, having to use the not quite right word here and there to satisfy the form. I'm totally new at poetry, but I have this issue all the time when writing song lyrics.

Thanks, I’ll try to take care of those spots, appreciate it!